32nd b'day

I love my b'day.
There's nothing about having a day where you are IT, where everything is all about you that makes you want to get up and bubble over.

Things I want to remember forever about this b'day:

• My dad's superfunny story of the shoddily arranged function he was forced to attend in Kerala and how gungho he was about complaining at said forum and how he dashed back home to write letter of complaint, all of which made the genetic code in my body tingle because we are that alike.
• My brother's song in a voicemail of a very literal malayalam translation of Happy Birthday kiddo (Santosham Janamadinam Kuttika), which was repeated ad hilarioum.
• My sister and my mom stories of fun stuff.
• The M.L's thoughtful gift of one lovely thing about why I was born sent to me every day for an entire week. She paints me in a way that makes me want to be better.
• The A.D & J.V staying up till midnight to wish me.
• The R.P & so very many other friends' little emails.

I am super blessed to have these people in my life who ground me and center me. Who know where I come from & what I am about, who have seen me grow, and who know all my contexts. & for whom, I shall always hope & strive.

And finally, the boy.
Sigh the boy. The boy has such a spotty record with b'day but Bless his embellishing heart, he tries so!!!
After very many failed attempts at gift giving (including one year where I got a fog machine and another where I got a chocolate fountain, which "babe also turns into a drinks fountain, come ON - how can you not like that??" and yet another where I got a 4 foot stuffed panda or teddy, all of which were returned, sold or abandoned), I wasn't very sure what to expect. I made multiple threats and threw multiple tantrums to ensure the boy looked at my wish list site at least once every day.

After a very wonderful dinner at a lovely high ceilinged, chandelier draped (can you tell we've been house hunting?) Italian restaurant where the gnocchi in truffle sauce, the mussels, the salad, the tiny lemon cookies were all lipsmackingly brilliant, I was given multiple gifts - all lovely and very technology driven from Sephora & Apple. We got home, popped in Seven Samurai in the wonderful DVD player that A.D & her boy sent us and revelled in us.

All I can say is thank you boy.
Though you did do your very unique brand of creative thinking, I do love my gifts. Much more than that, I love you. I am glad to have you and know that with you, I am completely, uninhibitedly myself.

The Boy's B'day

Saturday is the boy's b'day and when I asked him, many moons ago, what he wanted, he grinned & said nothing.
So that's what I thought I was going to get him.
But then I thought & thought and since I know how much he loves food, and how I haven't really cooked complete meals in forever, I thought I'd get him a v. lovely day at home with tons of good food & a play afterward.

What's on the menu:

Brunch:
Home made Muffins that we'll cook for the first time ever.

Lunch:
Mango shrimp appetizers
Borhani
Veg pulav
Bengali chicken roast
something called a Dherosh bhorta
& home made Pudding for dessert

Not sure if I am violating any Bangla rules of culinary etiquette with this recipe, but the boy got so super excited when he heard this, that I knew for sure I had hit ideal birthday gift nirvana.

And for dinner:
Lamb chops with veggies

Our weekend

1. Went sake tasting at a new Japanese grocery near the beach - learned little, tasted much and enjoyed the shrimp crackers a lot. We have loved it as kids & the boy seems to really enjoy the ones my dad brought us from his Japan trip
   
2. Bought tickets for the Whirling Dervishes show next week. I have high hopes for this one
3. Had the Nigorizake, the cloudy sake, bought from the tasting, with skinny vinegar wafer crisps, which was good but not as enjoyable as the shrimp crackers
4. Have been going to the farmer's market every weekend & buying fresh produce and making squash soup, stuffed acorn, crispy okra salad. I am loving the cooking time we are getting we each other and learning to photograph better
5. Talked to my sibs, who are doing great, especially my sis
   
6. Watched Frost/Nixon which was a tiny bit Hollywoodish for my taste, though I have to say Frank Langella was quite brilliant
7. Went for an tattoo exhibition, which was kind of boring because everything looked weirdly abstract, as if they were drawn after an acid trip
   
8. Made roasted eggplant dip and chicken roast
   
9. Baked fish
   
10. Went to the gym, where the cardio theatre is currently my fav

I was talking to a friend who's going through a divorce and the thing is, you never know right, what's going to push a couple to divorce.
They were one of those perfect couple, not one of those simpering I love you ones but reasonable, mature adults.
The ones who had funny jokes to say & funny dances to dance and loving care to give to each other. My friend is heartbroken because he didn't see it coming, and is terrified about his child.

The thing nobody tells you about marriage is that sometimes it can be so shatteringly lonely.
You love each other and there's real intimacy and all that but there are these rare (but extremely real) moments when you think - wow.wait.I am married to a really great person and I am still lonely???or bored???
Whatever the cause, I have been going through these moments, esp. last night when I couldn't find the boy because he was in the other room working. And all I needed to do was to wait and he would be there with me. But I just couldn't wait. I just wanted him there right at that minute. I couldn't get myself to wait.
I went for a drive to clear my head, and came back and he was all confused as to what I was doing.
I had got some bad news from my mom about my sis. she's not keeping as well as was expected.
Her stomach illness is not abating and she's in pain.
And yadaayadayada, I needed the boy and he was not there for yadadayadada reasons.
The boy is missing his family and his papers have still not come in. But I wish he would lash out and not contain himself.
But, like he says, what's the point of that?
What's the point of lashing out against something that can not be changed?
You just have to wait patiently and do all that you can to alleviate situations.
His mom and bro are applying for their visitor's visa but that opens up another can of worms.
I expected marriage to be hard and to work at it.
But after 7 years of being together and struggling and all that, I think I expected some sort of minor reprieve.
I feel as if I need a vacation from my life.
I was watching Titan a.e , which was one of those movies my sibs and I enjoyed way back then, and was thinking I want to see the end of the road too. Because after all that exile and terribleness of life in outer space, the Titan A.E did make a new planet (even though it was called BOB???), one that was fresh and nice and pretty.
I want to know that years from now, we are all going to be happy.
That my sister will be cancer free and be joyously happy.
Ditto for my brother - healthy & happy
Ditto for my parents, and the boy's remaining parent and his sibs
And that the boy and I and all of the happy above will live happily, somewhere nice, reasonably close to each other.

The other day the boy, suddenly in the middle of a conversation, had a O-M-G look on his face and turned to me to say - We'll be married in a month.
And oh, the moment was special, because I secretly think he should be tested for some mild form of autism. So for him to go 'all glowing and we'll be married in a month' warmed the cockles of my heart.
The cockles became cold immediately after when mister rainman went - and I never even got to do Amsterdam
Geez.
For the pot or pros, I asked
To sample one and check out how bizz is conducted for the other. I wanted to do it with the boys, sort of a single thing
This is news to me, your burning desire to check out AMsterdam.
Yeah, I figure, I should start opening up more because we'll be married in a month.

Uhmm...I am beginning to think for him, opening up is not quite what I think it is.

We are having to make tough adult decisions about issues in our life
and the more we are going through the decision making motions, the more impressed I am by the complexity of Boy (& bit perplexed - for, there are times when I find him so lacking in, what I perceive, are basic traits and then there are times when he does something, well, frankly noble, that I feel like the apemen in Kubrick's 2001, when they find the rectangular thing - ooog aaag, poke, beat - where does this come from? for really, how can one person have so many, sometimes contrasting layers)

He never complains.
Or whines.
about any situation.

And I find that hard to accept.
If I were denied anything, there is no stoicism in my gradual acceptance of the fact.
I cringe, whine, crib my way to it.

The Boy looks at situations and pragmatically analyzes the situation & when no avenue exists, accepts and moves on to different plans - there are no tearful wailing, no vengeful comparisons, no moody contrasts or covetousness.

You know how they say as couples evolve, they gradually start resembling each other - my biggest fear is that my corrosive personality will wipe over the boy's instead of his influencing mine.

Things they are a changing

They are,
they are!


a) I got a job offer, complete with visa change, in Boy's place in sunny place, which means I have more bargaining chips in hand to talk to new boss in old company about relocation & remote opportunities in boy's town, which means, I am not going to be in smalltown for long, which means I CAN be with boy soon (maybe a month or so)
We've waited and waited and wait-ed for this for so long that now that it's here, all I can do is giggle helplessly.
I called all and sundry and FB messages were sent fast and furiously and long conversations were had with the M.L. and a lot of stress has been drained away.

b) We got the deposit down for a place in Boy's sunny town
For what, you ask?
For a wedding.
a WEDDing between the boy and I.
oH HapPy dAy. I can't even type properly for I am all noodley with drained stress.
I keep comparing everything to last year, to see if I am dancing in the dark again or just doing stuff to keep the marriage hope alive,
And my mind keeps telling: oh QUIT.
quit your comparing.
quit your whining.
Quit emotionally whipping the boy about last year.
Apologies and flagellations have been made and must be forgiven and forgotten.
The parents (mine) are on board and suggested dates.
The parents (his) are not on board but the hope is that they will eventually come around.

Me: It's like I am not out of the tunnel yet but I can see the light peeping at the end.
M.L.: yEah. Now is the time for you to rub your hands like Mr. Burns and go 'aaaeeexcelllent'.



Though really, all credit goes to the Boy, whose over analytic, perfectionist nature has led to this 'the chips are falling into place' moment.

I hate that I whine about being bored when boy is filled to suffocation with his full-time job, his full-time Masters, and his family.
And all I have to contend with is staying put at work and losing weight.
Uhmm...
Though, once upon a time, I was that person - the one with the full-time job, a weekend internship, full-time Masters and my parents.
And all the boy had to contend with was his school and internships.

Can I just have perfection now please? with the two of us having nothing else to concentrate on but ME?

OH

frack a duck.

Not again.

Happy 6th Boy.

I love that you forget too.

And I love that you really are the coolest guy I know.

I love that when I moaned about how depressed I was getting reading about Heath Ledger, you told me - hon, then - quit.

I love that you laughed when I made you return the gigantic teddy bear with a sparkly heart that you got me for my birthday and that you even posed for photographs with it at the Return Counter.

Even after all the churned out, piddling, decomposing rubbish we went through last month, I still think you are it

I love that you bought me another one of these after I messed up the first one, without ever making a fuss about it.

And

So important, I love that you have a v.v.v hot body.

I wanted to wait till everything was right or atleast there was some perceptible change in my life before I blogged again
But that's far too long to wait.
SO much has been happening since last I wrote.
First,

The job/transfer that was offered was unoffered and taken back because of various variousness or however you want to call it but since HR had already told my current boss & department, it opened up a garbage load of mess that has been hell to live with.
Suffice to say I have lost any and all respect I have for 3 month old boss of current department.
HR decided to re-apply for visa for new job blah blah blah and informed me it would take a month to two to get it blah blah.
A month or two where I would be stuck in unpleasant situation where current department and nasty 3 month old current boss knows I had applied for job and didn't get it, a fact he kept reminding me of every single time we talked.
pricky jerk!

And then come the shocker with the boy.
Turns out his parents, after 6 bloody long years, are still not aware of the seriousness of the relationship and were unaware that we wanted to get married.
If i were to be completely honest, he hadn't told his parents the full story yet.
It made me feel betrayed, among other things, that while I was planing the wedding, he had not fully disclosed details of our life to his parents.
Which led me to believe that we may not be able to get married this year (Not BLOODY AGAIN)
So I just quit and took a leave of absence from him.
The whole situation with the job and the Boy really just broke me.
And I couldn't get myself to blog or do anything much.
I visited long lost friend in icy Minnesota and cried
And just generally tried to salvage things together.
Even as I write this, I can't begin to describe how desperately lonely and lost I was. And if I try, I can only string together cliches.
It is enough to say that December of 2007 ranks among the worst periods of my life.

After I cried and was silent bob to the boy for three weeks (which is forever for us), we met and I yelled and cried and screamed, then slept, then woke to yell and cry and scream and then slept again.

The comic bit was when the boy just looked at me sadly and asked me why I was yelling?
Why, why - you monkey?
Because we are supposed to be married this year and your parents are still acting as if this is a fling that you will get over?
You need to tell & impart on them how serious it is - my mom is enthused enough to try and book a ticket to freaking Dhaka to compare saris with yours.
In the end,
everything sorted itself out -kinda

His parents still refuse to talk to me and there is a chance they may not come for the wedding. But in parents' mind, this is because the bOy's father is desperately ill (which he was but is now recovering).

But miraculously, my father is now v.v.excited about wedding, even asking me if we could have it in August so that his friends (who I haven't seen in a hundred years) can attend.

I have an unshakeable Charlotte York like mantra that everything happens for a reason.
Today, I can see why the November wedding not happening was a good thing.
Somewhere, somehow this has taught me patience and has given my dad the time he needed to get used to the idea and even (gasp) respecting the boy a bit . The whole month of December - rubbish though it was, has made the boy more involved in the wedding that may happen this year.

As for the job, this whole mess made me look for jobs in florida where the boy is.
And surprise! surprise! I found one.
The only problem is the contract for Florida job came through on Thursday, the exact same day the visa approvals came through for the transfer job in smalltown - Geez, when it rains ....
so now I have two jobs
one which pays more and is in florida
the other which lets me travel to more but is far away from the boy.
NO guesses for which one i am going to take.

It's been two long and slow years since the boy left for florida and though my life has been blessed to overflowing with smart and funny friends and a job, I have been desperately lonely.
I have been miserable without my partner and it's been hell to come back at the end of the day to an apartment that is just a bloody apartment.
To look forward to a phone call or a weekend visit, to yearn for a Thanksgiving weekend where you are overjoyed at being able to cook together, or walk together or drive together.
I turned 30 on Jan 11 and the boy was there and so were a whole bunch of friends at our fav live music place - it seriously was the best birthday ever - but really, if the boy wasn't there, I would have just whined and been a poop in the corner, drinking myself to alcoholic anonymous
I just can't explain how much fuller and more active and more social and more of life I am when we are together.
It's not the act of being together 24/7 but the unblemished joy of knowing that you have this person to come back to, in a bar, in a room, in a conversation, in everything.
Nags wrote this about long distance relationships - If you are in love you shouldn't need to feel lonely, you shouldn't need to spend uncertain amounts of time apart, to pine and yearn all the time. Its really not fun!

So, with that I am back.
I guess things have changed in that I am more of hope today than I was a month ago.

Hear me Roar

I have been thinking of this a LOT
A- LOT

This whole year, most of the things I wanted - I didnot get. Somebody told me that it felt like God was trying to teach me patience but I was struggling against it.
Which was placating at the moment.
But now that I think of it, what is God trying to do - hammer me into place?
Why can't we get the things we want? or work towards?
There's a C.S.Lewis lesson in here somehere.

But yesterday, it felt as if things were finally settling into place.
But they didn't.

My stupid cow of an HR messed up my transfer without having consulted my immigration lawyer.

Dec 4 - HR confirms offer to new position. I accept. I reask questions about my status. HR goes oops.

Dec 5 - HR takes back offer.

The whole point is, she should have checked on the immigration status thing simultaneously or before she was doing my transfer.
And she messed up my offer letter - there are so many things wrong with this situation I am annoyed.

But what really really pissed me off, was her asking me if my fiance was American?
Why, I ask?
Because if he was, she says, then we could have transfered you from job to job with no problem.

EX-CUSE the shit out of me???
Did I hear you say that?
You're HR for frack's sake!
I have fracking relis in every continent who can give me more obvious and personal solutions than that!
It's like she broke every freaking HR rule in the book.
And we are not a tiny, struggling ot exist company.
We are one of those international, global companies with branches in every country in the world. So how the heck can you be so inept as to even think of asking something so offensive?

I am so mad by her ineptitude that I write her up. And make a big stink about it.

And then about the man boy - I started talking to him yesterday after a week's silence.
There is something very heartbreaking about two people in love who are in different places in life (metaphorically)
I am ready and he's not.
And that's the long and short of it.
And I am too grown up to be with somebody who's not.
And I am not doing the nagging thing. anymore.
or the shrew thing.
or anything.

Somethings you control (like writing up HR and putting pressure on her to do her job)
and somethings you can't (like changing boy's attitude)

And with that, I am done. With this year. and so many other things.
The whole crying thing is done.
I need something new to obsess about.
I am moving on.
And HR Cow better get out of my way.

What I was really like on Thanksgiving Weekend

Did I have fun this Thanksgiving ?

I did.

Do I love the boy?

Yes. oh yes.

Does he love me?

Yes. very much so.

I know all this and yet during the weekend, I went through my Banshee moments
There I would be, going on car trip - tralalala wheee roses smell so good - and BANG! a wedding thought would come wizzing through my brain and I would start off slowly and steadily toward the SET THE DATE blahblahblah rant.

First I would do the guilt trip, then the cajoling and then full blown, no-holds barred torrent.

And the boy would smile and hold my hand and it would infuriate me more because damn it! I want him to react and be goaded to action.

5 minutes later, I was all spent. so spent that I fell asleep.

I did this three times over a 6 day weekend.

And each time the boy would smile and hug, hold hand, soothe, assure and

looking back, i am not v. surprised I behaved like above but am surprised how assured I was that the boy woudln't just jump out of the window or throw himself from the moving car.
I think there are times when I sincerely wish things were different about our timeline.

Like my friend B says, "I wish Ben & I's wedding would happen differently"

or just was less aloof with people other than me.

Then are the I thought would make me happy in a man.
I was so so so so wrong.
Because I was with/know/hung out with men who had all the right qualifying qualities and didn't do anything for me.
the boy and I gel.
Despite all the things we don't share.
We just get each other.
We connect.
We just...it's like before I can verbalise my ideas or thoughts, he is there.

(Why is it that some things seem so much more corny when written down than in your head)

So hence forth, because he is he, I am upgrading boy to the man.

Thanksgiving weekend

So,

Thursday:
we cooked like fanatics on Thanksgiving and hosted dinner for friends at boy's place.
made tiny little raspberry tarts for desert (which were truly tiny but perfect)
opened new bottle of wine which was dry and right
much food was had by all
and everything went off with many happy thoughts and kisses.

Friday
We made big plans to go for Black Friday sales.
For we used to be the super shoppers, the ones who line up at 5 am
but instead, we overslept and never did any shopping and just sat around the house talking and not talking :)

Friday night, the boy and friends decided it would be a good idea to go to Orlando, which we did and saw Beowoulf in IMAX 3d. which was way nice

Stayed night at hotel
went shopping like crazy the next day, where I made discovery that I've dropped two dress sizes.
Hoorah!
There's nothing like losing weight to get back in the serious weight loss phase.

went back to Boy's city after.

Saturday & Sunday
Talked to the parents (both the Boy & I) to tell them I won't be making it to India this Christmas because of work.
The parents are leaving for India in two weeks. And the Sammon and the Annmol will be there.
After which the Sammon leaves for Australia.
Hopefully, the family will all be together sometime in the next year.

That's it.
Leaving for hometownamerica now.

So....

wow.

I have nothing to say.

It's 8 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day

and as I was snuggling in bed with the boy, a whole post wrote itself in my mind. And it was eloquent with nice turn of phrases and now it's hidden itself somewhere.

A post about how happy and thankful I was at this very moment.

And how unworried I am right at this very moment.
How when I saw the boy at the airport, all my nagging feelings melted away, all those negativity dissipated,
how free I felt

I am still a nagging worrybat,
but its bizarre what happens to me when I am physically with the boy.
I still whine and complain and fight but the whines and complains don't dominate or defeat me.

iT'S so hard to explain this - but when I am not without him, there lurks a stronger Me inside of me but I refuse to let that strong me out.
But when I am with him, that strong me roams free and I instinctively know that I can do and overcome everything.
And the boy, for some reason, becomes the less strong one, leaning and needing me more.
That just maybe it.
I think when we are apart, the boy does a million and one thing to keep busy and I feel not needed.

Ok. I am making no sense at all...so I am going to stop trying to figure why and just be :)

Post script:

The boy sleepily reads the post over my shoulder:
"It's the sex" he mumbles.

So ,

after I yelled like a looney tune ,
and then blogged,
I called the boy and he comforted me and took care of me.
And I just felt even more conflicted
How can I love somebody so much but have to go through so much misery to be with him?
Or is this misery that I am putting myself through?
I am such a drama queen
But how is it possible that the same person who gives you the utmost joy in the world can also give you the utmost pain in the world..
and
how can the boy love me so v. much to comfort me when I am putting him through the grinder like that?
I think having him in my life is the most splendid thing that has ever happened to me.
But gawd there is so much of a struggle involved in us coming together - the visa, the money, the health, the parents.
And then I think about all the people I went through before I got to him and know with much certainity that he is worth all this misery & uncomfort \

but he still won't fix the bloody date / put the deposit (which frankly I should just go ahead and do but gawd, I just don't want to go through the last time all over again) till the end of the month / beginning of Dec

so this is something I have to let go and trust that he will do, according to his timeline.
like the ring.
which came. according to his timeline.

The one lesson I have learnt from this timeline business is: when giving the boy a timeline, don't give dates by which you hope he will get it done (and never, ever, think he will do it earlier), give him the exact date by which you absolutely want it done.
He is so absolutely literal.

OMG

its 1:30 in the am.
and I all I want to do is to be able to go inside the boy's brain and erase his memory of the last conversation he had with me.
that
or , be able to go back in time and be able to have been more reasonable in the last conversation we had and not have yelled and fouled so much
or
go inside my brain and rectify the overreacting part of me
or really,
just be able to wake the boy up and tell him how v.v.v.ashamed I am.

Somedays

I feel like I could rip the boy a new one!
(I never really understood what that meant till I heard it in a prison movie and then it was like eewwww 0 ouch! )

Today the boy came up with a new suggestion

Boy: so are you ok?
Me: Yeah...i am not ill anymore.
Boy: No, I meant are you ok mentally? are you still depressed?
Me: I am still upset because I want this period in my life to end.
Boy: It will hon, but are you going to be like this till it ends.
Me: I don't know hon. I really don't. It's just that I didn't think it would be this hard and after 6 years, I really expect some kind of resolution to this life we are leading.
Boy: It is going to happen. The wedding you know.
Me: yeah, i do know.

But the whole point of it is, I don't.

I really fracking don't.

He hasn't bloody set a date.

We have a month. A bloody month.

How pathetic is it to tell somebody that you have a month/

Randomperson: Hey, have you guys set a date yet?
Me: Uh...no...we have a month. it in june.
Rp: oh ... ok (rollof eyes)

and even more pathetic when you have tell friends and family because, of course, everybody wants to know, as I so do, why the hell we can't fix a date.

Ok granted, we have so many things standing in our way.

One: His dad's cancer
Two: Our shortage of funds, which after one year of slow and steady gain is now suddenly plummeting again because ONE.

The thing is, i just am not/ was not prepared for this doing it alone business.

I always, always thought that I would have money. (I sound like such a supercilious snob here but honestly, I really thought when it came to getting married, I would just turn to my dad and he would do it all)

But I didn't count on hooking up with somebody like the boy, who refuses point blank to ever accept anything from my dad.

Fracketity frack fruck.

And I am so soo conflicted because I am hurting inside for the boy because of his dad's cancer and my need to be supportive
and
the enormous guilt I feel for thinking about 'us' before him (the boy and/or his dad).

I just want to scream and cry because I refuse to live alone like this anymore.
If i have to stay away from the boy, I wanted to be with my family and not in a bloody apartment all by my bloody self, scrimping and saving.

While my mind process all the above information, the boy is still talking

Boy: so I think we should go ahead and book your india tickets. Because you need to do it fast. And Sammon leaves in Jan, so you want to be there before he leaves.
Me: No. I refuse to go to India till we have put the deposit down for a place and have a date.
[Background - according to the timeline we agreed on when 1st wedding was postponed, we were supposed to set the date by end of Nov/beginning of Dec. But he has been such a non-proactive person about this that I had to get the details of the venue thing again
and
doing the whole finding a place thing just makes me so upset. because I went through all this before with no results]
Boy: I think you have more of a hassle about it than your parents. We have a month. I think your parents are going to be fine because you have a month you know, so I think that will be ok I mean, it's in June and....

And I exploded.
It's like I couldn't help myself.
I just could not stop this gush of words pouring out.
It was like I was metamorphing into my parents right then and there.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD HIM?
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A METICULOUS OVERPLANNER HE IS? HE WANTS TO BOOK THEIR TICKETS
MY MOM WANTS TO COME HERE A MONTH BEFORE AND THEY WILL WANT TO KNOW A DATE!
YOU THINK I AM GOING TO GO HOME TO MY PARENTS AND MY BITCHY RELATIVES AND TELL THEM I HAVE A MONTH?
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHY THEY WANT ME TO COME DOWN?
I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL SORTS OF BEFORE MARRIAGE CEREMONIES AND BUY CLOTHES AND JEWELLERY
AND
TELL THEM I HAVE A FUCKING MONTH? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE???

I am ashamed of myself now that I type it but my new policy is not to gloss over anything and to be completely one hundred percent honest. So there it is, the unvarnished me.

But , oh god, Why does he not get this?
Granted, i am such an overdramatic witch that most of the logic in my argument is lost because of my foul language,
but why does he not get the simple fact that I want to have this marriage fixed? My parents want their eldest daughter to be secure. I want to start the new phase of our life together.

BOy: I think you are making this more complicated than it is. You know, we are going to get married. You know we'll fix a date.

Why does he not get it that the time to do the slow and steady thing is long past done.

I am so over this marriage thing at times that I feel no joy in even thinking about it anymore.

Circa a lifetime ago

boy: any plans for tonight?
girl: I don't know.
boy: well, you guys should come along to the loft. i am going to be playing there
girl: what, like an instrument?
boy: just come and check it out.

come evening and girl and various girl pals go by loft to check out a boy playing league pool (whatever that is)

girl: really? that's what you do. really?
boy grins.

And though he was really good, and his behind looked just yummy and fantastic, we got bored with him and moved to next bar and then then a club and ended up at a turkish post party (so called because bunch of turks threw it)

and somewhere during the night, the boy and i ended up dancing to random turkish music and then collapsed exhausted on the sofa.
and I slept on the boy's shoulder
and woke up two hours later and was walked home by the boy.

Girl: thanks for walking me home
Boy: you're welcome
girl: so this is where I stay
boy: ok.
girl: uhm....
boy: uhmm...
girl: ok then, good night I guess. you know, if you weren't bangladeshi, this is the part I where i would have kissed you. allrighty, bye then.
boy: ooook then...bye then.

Dearest boy,
Here's to us - 6 years and many kisses later (even though you still remain a bangladeshi)

A bit tired now.
After long, harrowing conversation with Boy
I shouldn't be hurt.
I shouldn't
Oh sparkling ring - let me remember how much he loves me and remind me that he is a boy and this is not the time to bring up things and to be more like the calm M.L.
And I did remain quiet.
But in the back of my mind is lurking the fact that the Boy knew about his family's bout with the C word a week ago.
I should be glad that it only took him a week this time.
Because the last time when his mom was in an accident, it was a month before he told me about it.
So we are making progress.
But really, why does he not immediately tell me these things????!!!!???

The boy's extended family is going through a medical crisis. The 'c' word is in the midst of them.
I feel for the boy in so many ways because:
he is so far away from them & I am so far away from him. When it comes to being there for a person, saying 'I am there for you' over the phone just doesn't do it.