I wanted to write a grand old post of what fun this weekend of Blues Fest, Food Fest & Fleet Fest was, but instead I am morose for various reasons.

Chief of them being the sad, sad episode of House. So silly to be sad about a T.V. show but I can't abide death anymore. I wish I could get to a more peaceful place about death, like I was in college. For there, I lived every moment for what it was worth, I was truly that prepared to die young. (Gosh - how v. morbid).

There was such indescribable joy in just living and experiencing when things were bright and new, adventures were always round the corner and knowing for a certainty that it wouldn't last.
I was such a fatalist that I thought I would either die of too much joy or I would grow away.

I want to reclaim that part of me. The part of me that took such joy from living.

But

I am struggling with what I can only describe as a deviant form of survivor's guilt.
I am so thankful for the hopes that have been granted and for the joy there is in knowing that my sister is alive and well.
But I wish desperately that she was living a different life.
One that didn't involve hardships of any form, and where she could ...
I guess what I wish is that she was living my life.
Where she could have made different choices that defied pressure, where she wasn't so complacent in having others arrange her life, where she could break away from relying so much...
My v.wise friend A.D. says that what I wish for her is not so that she was living my life, but that she was me.
Or in a perverse way, that her diseases were mine.
Because, in my head, I feel that I would have been more able to deal with it, perhaps? Or that a younger sibling is still too v. young to experience such adult episodes.

The Boy says I am too greedy.
That I should be thankful for the mercies of God. That while I push for her to reclaim her life and to make inroads into her future, I forget that a couple of months ago, I was praying desperately and would have given anything to see her sit silently at home, twiddling her thumbs.

He is right. I am so thankful that she is in remission.

Now,
what I want badly to do is to somehow, physically, carry her through this.
But I can't. Because that's what happens when you are an adult - you have to let others live their lives, make their choices.
And I feel so helpless in not being able to do anything and not knowing what I can do except
'to be there for her', which is such an abstract bunch of words.
Or, at the very least, what I want is to stop pitying her so much (because that's where most of my guilt stems from - at the fact that I think my life is better than hers).

I feel that life is slowly grinding back to normal.
Going to India was such a life changing experience, so much so that I stuttered when trying to explain it all to the M.L.
Living with Cancer has become such a passe thing for our family now. And my sister is the most nonchalant one of all.
When she talks about blood counts and platelets and other what nots, it's just become another item in the conversation.
I am glad that we are all, and most of all that she is in that place now, where it is something we have to deal with.
She goes for her third, & we all hope & that God wills, the final round of chemo next week.

Thank you all for the concerns and the well wishes - every word of it was appreciated.

Sometimes I look at my sister & wonder is this all there is to cancer?
Because she makes taking care of her so easy. She is always so positive, when all around her are down and though, we share nothing in common, she makes me feel good about the whole situation.
I know tomorrow, when we get to the hospital for her second round of chemo, I'll get a glimpse of what there is to cancer, but for today, the three of us are watching our shows and playing our games and hanging out.

And oh

Happy New Year peeps!!!
Despite my rant, I feel so hopeful because really, how much worse can it really get, right??????
:D
& really, despite the fact that the men in the family are morons-in-Kerala they are normal outside ( grateful for that!), & though we have to deal with MIKs, my sis, my mom & I still get our own way and do our own thing - so screw the other mustachioed, hairy uncles who mourn about tragic fates!!!!

Happy Glorious New Year all!
How did the sibs & I welcome the new year - with a glass of 15 year old Whiskey, which I did not mind at all, despite not liking the taste of whiskey
So here's to trying new things and taking care of the old loves:)

Happy Holidays all!

All you lovely peeps - Have a fantastic Christmas and a blessed New Year!!!!
I hope for everybody health, happiness and tons of joy, irrespective of circumstances.
Some pics from my daily walk :)
side note - my little sis is doing tons better!!!

I am sort of panicking here.
We have to put together some visa apps for ze country to the north of us & it's kind of stressing me out - the dotting the i & the crossing the T's!

I am also having tiny crisis dreams of staying at our Kottayam place for a month
I am getting v. frustrated because there are so many things I feel we need to do to make the place comfortable and liveable for my sis but my aunt who seems to have no clue, and neither do my cousins
I am always having an existential sort of crisis when I get to Kottayam.
I feel so disconnected to everything and everybody there.
It's like they live in another planet or something.
I'd like to move the TV to Annmol's room - can you get somebody to do that
'Oh mole, there are so many wires and so many connections to move - it's so much of a hassle'
Oh for frack's sake.

Can you make sure we have internet connection so she's not too bored?
'Oh mole, these things take too long'

UGH.

I have all this barely repressed anger in me about weird things like this. It's like I keep hitting the great family wall of denial
No we can't do that.
No, that's too hard.
No, those things are too hard.
UGH.

Ok forget it all - I am losing perspective - the most important thing is - my sister is doing so much better and is out of the hospital now!!!!
Hoorah!!!!

FB status & some wise words

On the sunny side of life & determined to keep it that way :D

My sis is getting discharged tomorrow morning!!!!!
Hoorah!!!
triple cartwheel hoorah :!

And really, the whole hair thing - my sister was so blase about it & just ordered two dosas instead :)

Like A.D & redhead says - small price to pay
& really the whole people staring bizz, our focus is about becoming healthier

I am so grateful to God for any and all mercies he's sending our way
for this crest we are riding
for the dear, dear, friends who get my soul & who are just a phone card ;) & phone call away.
If you don't know it already, M.L, A.D.,
Redhead, Roomie & Giggles - I am grateful for you.
And my dearest, most patient, most loving boy!!

Epiphany reinforced:
I am FULLY embracing the happy, joyous little dance worthy day that is today, for on the sad/bad days I will have no regrets that I didn't live up to full potential of this day.

PS: Please pray for my Dad, who's going through a tough time!

Here's a little song to suit my mood

I fell off my 'anti-whining' wagon twice over the weekend.
First I was dancing around because I spoke to her - spoke spoke where we traded jokes and complained about sore bums and what nots
Second I started crying when my mom said her hair was falling.
I knew it was coming but I still felt bad.
But you know what? I am going to toughen up - this is what it is. It has to be endured. And we need to keep our spirits up and about it.
But my getting back on the wagon periods have become shorter.
So good!
She's doing tons and tons better, thanks all for your prayers.
I am reaching Kerala on the 26th and so if anybody wants to connect (and Hillgrandmom is definitely on my list to call), I would love to (especially those of you who have experience caring/dealing with leukemia - hint hint).
No probs if you don't.
My email id is desiinsmalltimeamerica@yahoo.com.
Again Thank you all for your kindness - spoken and unspoken. Your concern has been so heartfelt.
Random thought: I know understand why people have pet charities and pet causes. I am praying for all those who are ill.

For want of a word

I am PMSing so intensely right now.
And I recognise that I am a grouse to live with.
But you know what? I feel that if the boy & I get into a fight and it was the boy's fault, he needs to say 'SORRY'
He needs to say it and then make behavioral amends, if it was one of those fights.
The boy, on the other hand, tends to sleep on it, and then make all these changes (which is truly great) but in one of those 'we are good and nothing untoward has happened'. It's like he pretends as if we didn't even have a fight.
Like he puts out the effort and really tries hard to work on his problem areas but never once says the word 'SORRY'.
He doesn't say it and it annoys me to no end.
He's all sweet and loving and changed but there are no sorries.
I have noticed it about every male in my family - my dad, my brother and the boy.
I wish they would say sorry and then

YESHK.
writing this out makes me feel so silly.
I feel as if I did make a bad mountain out of a molehill.
yeashk,

Reaching out on our tragedy

Taking time out for mundanity

Continuing on my anger vein, I ...
OK time out
My sis is up and down, but that is to be expected so I am not wasting any time doing the boo hoo my life sucks routine. Maybe I will indulge in it in coming posts (hopefully NOT - I am sick of hearing myself whimper) but this post is not. My sister is strong and young and resilient and far too strong at heart for me to go whining .

Thank you so v. much all for just listening to me :)

This post is going to be up lifting and whatnots. Or at least about ordinary whatnots.

Inspired by A.D, I made chicken broth the other day - honest, real life, from scratch chicken broth - and delicious soup from it was had by the boy & I, along with boy's baked turkey and chipotle cheese sandwiches - yum yummy.

We're inviting a friend over for Sunday lunch/dinner and I am on the lookout for the perfect menu.

So anyhoo, I am thinking of recreating above meal with baked chicken but then that could be too many chickens and the last thing I want to do is having boring food.

Ugh.
Which reminds me of the wasteful dinner party (wasteful of our time and taste) boy & I went to last Saturday.
Honestly, I think the desi peeps we hang out are just too young for us.
It's nice and fun to have the occasional booze and dance fest but I find that every single soirée we are invited to ends up with people getting unfunnily drunk and dancing to loud banghra music.
We are yearning for some quiet dinner parties where reasonable conversations flow, oh like the fab time we had at A.D's place over Thanksgiving.
Honestly, I miss the A.D and the M.L so much. I miss not being with people of my own age and intellect and maturity level. Esp, because I have been to their places and know what its like to have stimulating conversations and exciting, balanced, 'uhmm-we-should-def-try-this-out-at-our-place' food and age appropriate entertainment mingled with some age inappropriate ones ;)

Uhmm...this post turned out not so much an uplifting post as judgmental bitchy one.
But can I say one last thing,
I refuse to go to and promise never to drag my poor boy to another desi party where we are given yawn worthy indian food & where our culinary adventures are made fun of.
Don't diss what you don't understand people.

Ok rant over.

So back to hunt for perfect menu.
We have tons of fish and veggies after our marathon shopping at the farmer's market over the weekend
So
We could grill some fish
Have some fresh salad with home made sauce
I think I may even do some creme brule (the v. basic type)
F&W says to do this, which is perfect since we got gigantic avocados, so super duper fish taco lunch/dinner it is.

Hoorah!

I was talking to a friend who's going through a divorce and the thing is, you never know right, what's going to push a couple to divorce.
They were one of those perfect couple, not one of those simpering I love you ones but reasonable, mature adults.
The ones who had funny jokes to say & funny dances to dance and loving care to give to each other. My friend is heartbroken because he didn't see it coming, and is terrified about his child.

The thing nobody tells you about marriage is that sometimes it can be so shatteringly lonely.
You love each other and there's real intimacy and all that but there are these rare (but extremely real) moments when you think - wow.wait.I am married to a really great person and I am still lonely???or bored???
Whatever the cause, I have been going through these moments, esp. last night when I couldn't find the boy because he was in the other room working. And all I needed to do was to wait and he would be there with me. But I just couldn't wait. I just wanted him there right at that minute. I couldn't get myself to wait.
I went for a drive to clear my head, and came back and he was all confused as to what I was doing.
I had got some bad news from my mom about my sis. she's not keeping as well as was expected.
Her stomach illness is not abating and she's in pain.
And yadaayadayada, I needed the boy and he was not there for yadadayadada reasons.
The boy is missing his family and his papers have still not come in. But I wish he would lash out and not contain himself.
But, like he says, what's the point of that?
What's the point of lashing out against something that can not be changed?
You just have to wait patiently and do all that you can to alleviate situations.
His mom and bro are applying for their visitor's visa but that opens up another can of worms.
I expected marriage to be hard and to work at it.
But after 7 years of being together and struggling and all that, I think I expected some sort of minor reprieve.
I feel as if I need a vacation from my life.
I was watching Titan a.e , which was one of those movies my sibs and I enjoyed way back then, and was thinking I want to see the end of the road too. Because after all that exile and terribleness of life in outer space, the Titan A.E did make a new planet (even though it was called BOB???), one that was fresh and nice and pretty.
I want to know that years from now, we are all going to be happy.
That my sister will be cancer free and be joyously happy.
Ditto for my brother - healthy & happy
Ditto for my parents, and the boy's remaining parent and his sibs
And that the boy and I and all of the happy above will live happily, somewhere nice, reasonably close to each other.

I've been a fan of NPH from since his tap typing prodigy days of Doogie Howser and love all his new avatars, but Dr. Horrible has become my all time fav!!!




Otherwise it's been a kind of sucky day.
My friend's mom had passed away - can I just say while I sympathise with folks who have to relay bad news to dear ones far away, telling them half truths and keeping aside the miserable news just does not work.
I mean, telling them something's wrong but not going into specifics or worse, telling them somebody is serious but not how serious or worse, dead does no good for anybody.
But who I am to judge when faced with crap situations like that?
We reach and talk in ways v.different to what we think we will do.

My sister was doing better but then got a bout of slight illness. And that was a slight wake up call to me. Because while I am still v. optimistic and my outlook is positive, I am not going to fool myself into thinking that this is a blase something.
It is real and dangerous and we have to be extremely extremely cautious. The reality is, she will be in and out for sometime and till we have reached the 5 year mark of all clear, I don't think any of us can relax.
And that made me slightly go on the downside but not for long. I refuse to let my spirits weaken.
Thank you all for not plying on the platitudes and for just saying the rights things always.
One of the things I am learning is that I hate that we have become "that" family - the one to whom cancer happened.
I think people have been mentioning (v.kindly) that they didn't know how to respond because they haven't experienced anything like in their family and that made me feel so inexplicably lonely because it felt like boundaries had been drawn or something - I can't articulate it.
That's the sad thing about stuff like this - there is really no manual or nothing that is the right thing to say for somebody who's going through a tough time.
I remember trying to reach out to a friend (who I hadn't kept in touch with) who was going through a break up & being roundly told off by her because in my mistaken attempts to do something/anything I had said all the wrong things & had felt so helpless and because I was hurt by her not accepting my clumsy efforts to help, just broke ties with her.
And now I see how wrong I was.
That really sometimes people just lash out or even if your attempts at consolation are wrong, it is such a wrong idea to break ties (rambling here)
The other thing with shit like this is - My emotions are so all over the place that and sometime I find myself just angry, just angry all the time!
I read about this in those grief series or whatever. How people go through anger but I thought that the anger was directed at life or god or fate or whatnots.
But it's not these unknown entities that one feels anger toward - it's people, just innocent bystanders.
I found myself having to control my temper with my poor mom or my patient dad.
And have excused myself numerous times so that I won't lose it with my brother and especially with my boy.
I thought I was over the anger phase but I guess it's not a chronological thing.
Another thing I find myself doing is thinking that this can't be it.
This just can't be our lives.
I am amazed at my seeming incapability at accepting that this is happening to people like us!
And also at my naivete at being surprised that sadness could seep into our lives.
But then I read this by the Gigi writer somewhere & feel better

You must not pity me because my sixtieth year finds me still astonished. To be astonished is one of the surest ways of not growing old too quickly
- Collette

Anyhoo, I leave you with a better, more well articulated rant about our national tragedy. Cheerios amigos! (weirdly inappropriate but oh well)



and this

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mumbai Tragedy

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

As always the post for ideas for my sis' care package is here. Please let me know if you have any thoughts/comments/ideas on what to get her.

There were times when I felt I was not where I thought I would be in the timeline of life, you know?
Like a feeling that maybe I was sort of one step behind when it came to life events.
But now I feel that maybe I am a step ahead when it comes to life lessons.
Today, my sweetheart of a giggly friend called me to say she's leaving for India immediately. Her mom had a heart attack and she suspects may be already gone and her bros asked that she be there immediately.
Do we change much as people because we got through such things? Do we grow up?
A part of our history becomes more poignant, and for that moment, we feel we can't ever get over this, but I am not sure if growing up is all its jazzed up to be.
I mean, what are the benefits? What are the advantages?
You still do the same selfish things you did when you were a kid, you still make the same silly mistakes, you still get your heart broken, and the joy is not as much.
UHmm...
though I suppose my will has become more indomitable. I think I crave life more and hold dear ones more lovingly.
I am still smiling but more subdued than before and praying that my friend's mom is ok? better? healthy? not suffering?

A smile has been lurking around ever since I came back from Minnesota and it's blossomed into full blown cheer!
I think its the effects of A.D's aggressive optimism & the boy's patient good cheer and just the mind's inability to not be down for too long.

My sister is feeling the same effects. She's sitting up. The chemo seems to be effective for now.
She's still quite week but my mom says she's eating better & talking a bit more & reading a bit.

My mind says not to jinx the situation by announcing it & when I try to change my routine, it warns that maybe she'll may become worse if I do.

But I am refusing to indulge in superstition and just enjoy this day of hope as it is.

I am sleeping in today. And then going to the gym in the evening.
I'll be doing some cleaning, some reading and maybe go for a walk later on. And maybe do some more online shopping / mall.

And smiling all day long :)

OMG
Tina Fey has hit the nail on the head.
This is exactly what I feel like when I write about my sister:

The "30 Rock" star has refused to discuss the scar. "It's impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it," she says.

It's weird to think that your other senses, the ones that can enjoy time, that want attention, that are concerned with stat hits, the ones that want undivided attention from your husband, that invite visiting friends for lunch of baked chicken and crispy okra salad with garlic toasted bread (see?) are not numbed by the C word that dominates pretty much everything else.

Thanksgiving / Cancer Epiphanies

Did we have a great time over Thanksgiving at AD's place in MN? Yes, we did.
Was it tempered by what was happening in Bombay and with my sister? I am not really sure.
It was like I was living two lives - one where the boy & I connected with my A.D and the boy connected with my childhood and saw where I came from, and where we picked up so many relationship / household tips from the A.D & her wonderful husband.
The other life was spent talking to fam every day, keeping vague track of blood counts, getting used to the idea that my little sister is starting chemo, CHEMo, getting one precious chance at having almost normal conversation with Annmol, talking to the Sammon on his way home.
And watching those heartbreaking things happen to Bombay - it all seems rather surreal.
I can't get used to this life where I am going through a multiple of emotions in the span of a day and wondering what my sister must be going through.
I was reading somewhere that AML usually affects more males than females, is more prevalent among adults over 40 and is relatively a rare disease.
So is the type of Muscular Dystrophy she has.
What are those chances ? What are the chances of two rare diseases striking one resilient person that is my sister?
I keep looking at the photographs around our place of her and I and her and Sammon at various stages of our lives and wondering - was it then? that her bone marrow started fritzing out? or was the cancer always lurking around?

I have had two epiphanies around this issue.
One came when I was randomly praying/yelling about how all that jazz about God having a purpose & the thought came to me that maybe this really isn't the worst that could happen.
Maybe a combination of leukemia & MD is not the worst possible thing that could happen to one.
And that's when I read the gruesome story of a disgusting human being who had raped his two daughters for 27 years - surely that is worse.
And then hearing/watching/reading about the Bombay blasts - surely it is infinitely worse to have lived the lives of those terrorists - the hate they were taught, the reckonings their souls have to face when they came to terms with the magnitude of the lives they took.
This train of thought hasn't brought me any peace or any great consolation.

The other was - you can't bargain it out.
I started with asking that my life be taken in exchange for her cancer being eradicated.
And then on our flight back in the small carrier we hit some bad turbulence and in that second when things rattled in the overhead compartment and the plane went up and down and my motion sickness went into high gear and my fear enveloped me, I screamed internally that I didn't want to die.
So strike that. In the real, cold analysis I am not willing to die.
And in the midst of all that internal dialogue, I thought it'd be such irony if I did die in a plane crash. Well, not irony but one of those 'oh can you imagine the luck of this family - one daughter diagnosed with leukemia, the other dies in a plane crash' sort of thing.
Morbid much?

Then I bargained that if she did recover, I would never ever push her.
That in exchange for being cancer free and living a healthy life and dying of old age, if all she ever wanted to do for the rest of her life was to veg in front of the TV and not do a single thing or be the worst daughter/sister/companion/friend, I would indulge her.
But then when I spoke to her, I blustered around, spewing, in my most ineffectual way, random optimism and trying to keep her upbeat and in effect, trying to change her yet again.
I don't think I can ever not be her older sister and ever not push or ever not make her want to have a more comfortable, better (according to ME) life.
uhmm...

So, epiphany no. 2 comes to this - barter of lives & promises, even in this most desperate of situations, not as easy to carry out as they show in movies.

Epiphany no.3 (I guess I've had 3)
My sister is so strong. So much more strong than any person I know
For so long, I thought of her as the person in my shadow.
But now, I can see how she was always the stronger one. Always laughing at all my lame jokes to make me feel better.
Our running joke now is that she is so going to get into that Ph.d program at Harvard, hell, how could they not, eh?
Making everything look and sound normal when it wasn't and isn't. Being blase about the big things and small and on and on it goes.

The Sammon is now in India and will be home in a couple of days.
And I, as the Sammon suggested, am starting to work out and eat healthy, so that our marrows will be all healthy and sparkley if she ever needs it :)
I think the only thing that is keeping us going in this THIS-couldn't-possibly-be-happening-to-US-I-mean-we-are-the-
MEFAMily-
-forfrackssake situation is our ability to laugh at it.

As always the post for ideas for her care package is here. Please let me know if you have any thoughts/comments/ideas on what to get her.

Update

She has Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (thanks for the heads up LaVi).
My mother confirmed it yesterday.
It's interesting to see how my parents personalities are evolving during this crisis, and gives credence to the theory that we really are changing all-the-time.
Growing up, my mother seemed like the emotional kind and my father the analytical one.
And with this, my mother is the one who is giving us the facts and info and taking care of our analytical parts - the ones that want to discuss treatment and talk about steps and measures to adopt. My dad is the one who is taking care of and willing to talk to us about the emotional aspect of this situation. We are all constantly calling each other, sometimes two or three times a day and in all those conversations, my father wants to know how we are feeling, what we are doing to keep ourselves busy, etc, etc. For those who know my dad, it is a very unlikely...no, unHim kind of conversation to have with him.

The Sammon is flying into Chennai on the 1st... and he will be in Cochin soon enough.
Her tests have been sent to Bombay to determine the subset of AML.
They are hoping that it is M3 because the treatments for M3 are better (though I may be confused since I thought my mother said MD...which is clearly not right)

The hospital she's staying at seems like a nice enough place and one of the pictures had, what looked suspiciously like a helicopter pad (??) on it...weird.

As always the post for ideas for her care package is here. Please let me know if you have any thoughts/comments/ideas on what to get her.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I scoured the entire house rather mercilessly, or at least I thought it was mercilessly but all I ended up doing was making way too much food, which is now going to go to waste because we are going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving.

And that brought on a fresh onslaught of emotions. Yadyadayada how can things and life proceed normally when my sister is ill? And so at 11 at night, I dragged the boy for a Quantum of Solace show, which we couldn't see wholly because I was just too fidgety. And went home before it even ended.
Can I just say that my husband is an angel? He may not be as emotionally open as I would like him to be (he's always terrified I am going to ask him what he is feeling), or romantic in ways I would like to be (not getting on a surprise trip to Paris anytime soon :) ), but when the chips are down, he is always, unconditionally there for me.
He is truly a kind and gentle soul who gives me much happiness every single day by his presence.
I love you boy.

Need Ideas pls

So we booked the ticket - I am leaving on Christmas eve for India and getting back in Jan.

I am putting together a care package for my sis

Here's what I was thinking:

I am looking for more ideas on what to take from here, so pls feel free to add to it

1) Portable dvd player with dvds of her shows

2) a nano ipod

3) Handheld PSPs

4) cotton scarves for the post-chemo look

5) neck / back massager

6) books - audio & otherwise

Here's what I have come up with so far:

• Evan Handler's Time on Fire: My Comedy of Terrors, that the fiercely engine searching A.D found out about.Seriously dude, I am floating in a wealth of information from the links the woman has send me. And who knew Charlotte's husband had a story like this behind him? I can't seem to find the book a
  
• Evan Handler's It's only Temporary: Which I fear may be overkill but lets see.
  
• Erma Bombeck's I want to Grow hair: Which I may just keep aside because there seems to be too many cancer-cancer books, you know?
  
• Tons of cheap Mills & Boons, Harlequin romance novels - because Annmol devours that stuff
  
• Colossal book of Mathematics, because that's what she is, a mathematician.
  
• Tons of Sudoko & word puzzle books or if I can find them, handhelds
  

7) Her favorite candies, chewing gum

8) as suggested by Texas Ammachi - tons of alchol gel hand sanitizers,

9) an egg crate bed pad, also suggested by T.A. but not sure if I can fit this into luggage - but lets see.

10) woolly socks, suggested by blog acquaintance

11) nice little blanket

12) robes, suggested by M.L.

13) lotions

I wonder if there's anything else ...

Please, feel free to add or comment to this. Most times, I live in a constant state of confusion as to if I am doing the right thing or not.

Am I calling too much?
Will I do any good in Dec? How can I make myself invisible and yet help?
Are the links fwding to Sammon & Daddy useful?

I am not sure if the things I am doing or thinking of buying or thinking are hitting the useful mark or not. So any ideas or suggestions or opinions are appreciated.

I WANT more information

I need it. I thrive on it. And I'd like to percolate in it. The test results are in and all I know is it is some form of acute leukemia and there's a 50 % survival rate.
I want to know the name. I want to know what the options are, what the recommended course of action and why they are sending the results to Bombay for further diagnosis.
My dad is not sure how any of the above info will help in the long run. But I just need to know...but I don't want to pump because everybody seems perched on the edge of an abyss.
Because there has always been an underlying personality tension between my dad & I, I have to tread carefully here. Add to that the very real frustration of not being able to get to India right this v. minute and having to wait for a week, he is so on edge, understandably.
And my poor mom is too harried.
And for once in my adult life, I am not pushing or shoving my opinions.
But just getting increasingly internally agitated, which I guess does not bode well for my boy. I want to be there. I want to talk to the doctors.
I want to know.