It's alive (my blog that is)

You think you're ready to break up with somebody and be done with them for the rest of your life.

It's the usual story -

you have grown apart - work, life and shiny pretty others have come in between.

And then one day, you try to reconnect (for old time sake, you tell yourself)

and you have forgotten the password and it really may come to pass that ties have been severed

& you realise you're just not ready to let go.

So, after much thrashing around,

& moaning about

& trying to make it all work,

the boy & I sat down and decided it was beyond us to do it all.

The house was getting away from us, the cooking & everything domestic related was just depressing us.

So we searched around & got ourselves names of domestic help.

You know that feeling when you get home and unzip your fav boots that you've been wearing all day. While you love the way you look in it & the power it gave you, nothing comes close to when you wiggle your toes out of them & into a warm foot bath. Oh joy!

That's how we feel after making the decision.

Suddenly the skies were clearer, our minds were freer & all really was beginning to get right with the world.

And now we feel a new joy when we do things domestic because we are not weighed down by the enormity of it all.

Yesterday, we braved the slightly chilly weather :) to do some grilling, and we were buoyed enough to try out a spinach & chickpeas tapas.

Joy, sunshine & kitty kats!

As for work, after my 'whatifIfallflatonmyface' moment, I looked around, did some introspecting, went online and now I am ok.

Yes, this team rather intimidates me.

they are young, and smart and just seem to have it all together.

But like the boy & the besties say - so do we!

Happy smiles & glee!

And

if I were being honest with myself, the reason my other jobs were (a) a breeze is because I had succeeded in the low bars that were set for me & (b) which may be the reason why I never tried at all, or got very far since there wasn't anywhere to get.

So, I shall not be bested by the weird outpourings of my brain.

Moving on.

I love that the new position has given me an excuse to shop.

And have engaging conversations with smart women.

Even though I work in an industry for which personally I have no regard, I am glad we work in the side that has no connection with the nitty grittiness of it. & that I work with women.

There is such an abundance of female leadership in this company that I am surprised they don't get an award for it.

love it! as the new boss says. She sounds a bit Helen Madden, licensed joyologist about it.

I love it! love it! love it!

In my alternate universe, Molly Shannon Tina Fey, Anna Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph, Cheri Oteri, Kristen Wiig, are at it together on SNL

Some introspective yadayadas

So, you know how I've been walking the fine line @ work between wanting it all & playing it cool.

I don't have to anymore.

Last week, after very hectic travelling to no where fun, I was given the position I coveted with the team I have a work crush on.

J.O.Y.

And then I got introduced to my team. Double Joy.

And I was ecstatic when we rolled out our media plan and all sorts of exciting somethings.

And then I started panicking.

What if my marketing plan turns out a load of crap.

What if social media really is a bunch of junk.

What if...

Gawd,

I feel a bit overwhelmed/out of my depth/like I may have taken on too much.

And then all these doubts assail me.

And things spill out at me from different parts of my life.

Like weird things.

Things that really have no place in my life.

Things like geez - my house is a mess.

We have no food.

My closet is so disorganized.

I don't know if I am doing some weird sort of sabotage

But i have to constantly make myself stop from thinking these silly thoughts when I am at work.

It's like I want everything to be perfect - a neatly organized closet, freshly cleaned house, food that don't stink up my refrigerator

Because though we try & try, we can't seem to get a handle on our house. It just keeps unravelling on us.

Sigh.

I am working on a make-or-break MarCom plan for big boss at work.

And I desperately want it to go well.

But i can't seem to get the data or identify the funding I require and I feel I may be going bonkers. And when the stars do align and I can put my mind to it, other rubbish keeps tumbling in.

Maybe it's that I have never worked this hard in my life.

All my previous jobs have been a bit of a breeze.

And this one really challenges me, and tests me. and Make me want to do so much more than the usual rubbish I put in at work.

I think letting my mind slide on irrelevancies like a messy home feels so very much safer than taking the risk and actually putting my heart/soul/mind/& all other associated shit into work.

sigh.

I am going now to soak in the tub for a while.

So the past week went by in a blur because all I did was travel for work.

I love this phase where I am learning & being challenged at work. And I can't wait to know enough so i can be put in charge.

It's been forever since I have felt this kind of passion / competitive spirit for a job/trade/knowledge.

List of things that are hard to deal with in the work life:

• walking the balance between wanting it & playing it cool
• stopping my eyes from rolling or my expressions from being condescending or my words from being patronizing when silliness invades my space
• playing down the whole overcompensating on the being nice thing because I know i am brash & harsh at times
• counting my chickens before they hatch
• stopping myself from jumping for joy when I meet a funny someone or a sarcastic someone or just someone who gets my jokes at work - (oh secret work friend group, you are SO coming together!)

One thing that makes all of the above easy to deal with

• Having the boy, who is far smarter/cooler/intelligent than I give him credit for.

On a work trip, I had a chance to spent copious amounts of time with myself & it hit me how old I was getting.

There is the physical aspect of it - the feeling tired sooner bit.

But the thing that hits me hardest is how the older i get, the more angsted out I get about taking chances.

I have become cautious.

And it irks me to no end.

Even in this blog.

I am averse now to let it all hang out.

Because I find myself thinking of what the group of blog peeps I have befriended over the years might make of me.

And this sort of caution creeps in to the most inane of things.

I ran into a potential work friend at Costco today.

I am so into her. She has all the attributes that would make an awesome work buddy. She is vivacious, would so fit into a secret group I am creating at work.

And the most qualifying things - she travels for work too & has bum ovaries. Ha!

So if we ever run out of stuff to talk about, we have two topics to fall back on :)

Anyhoo, we both did the HEY YOU thing and then simultaneously went into explanation mode:

She was there shopping for a 'Beer & Diapers' party her husband was going to

I was there shopping for a tailgating thing we are going to.

And then we both stepped back, grinned, and launched into other stuff and hugged each other good bye and joined the spouses.

Several things:

1. Obviously, neither of us wanted to be thought of as a Costco shopper. At a very base level, it makes me feel suburban & slightly un-well off.
2. I am werided out that I am that shallow & that I have all these hang ups.
3. So when we were unloading our 'NON-TAILGATING' items into the car, I decided I'd live my life with a little more dignified honesty & not as if I was cautiously trying to hold on to some faux-Kept-up-with-Joneses crown.

Ok, enough of that, here's a little video that made me smile:

Oh India, you still do so cling to me

It's 11 in the am here in sunny Florida.

I have just finished reading yet another chapter of random mystery by P.D James & am now browsing with the Raiders of the Lost Ark playing in the background.

The house is quiet except for Harrison Ford going on about what a cautious fellow he is.

It is a beautiful day and I am so thankful and grateful to be here in this moment.

We are busy. Thank God. Our professional lives are going well & keeping us adequately busy. & as for our personal lives, we are learning to wait patiently & enjoy the moment while the things we have set into motion are awaiting fruition.

we have been learning more about each other, enjoying the quiet moments we have to each other, and learning to live our lives in the midst of happenings.

we spent an evening downtown watching the Alvin Ailey Dance Company and I found myself getting irked at the interpretative performance of one of the movements. It was such a surprising reaction. My mind kept looking for conformity in the movements. And needed to find an obvious reason behind the movements. So much so that, I was ready to call it quits after the intermission. But I am glad I prevailed because after the intermission, the jazz music was replaced by old, old African American gospel music with movements my mind could recognise and relax with. My absolute favorite was the Fix Me, Jesus number & the boy's was

It is now a truth that everyday, I not only become more like my father but am more accepting about the fact.

I hope your months and days have been as filled with joy, peace and angsty, revelatory insights.

Things I miss about summer

• watching movies by the grand old oak tree @ the park
• enjoying wine by the beach, listening to the Symphony peeps
• camping out on the various islands by the beach
• swimming in the salt water
• showing off my Alice in Wonderland nail polish in my flip flops
• feeling the sun!!!

It's no fun putting up with a cold front in Florida. I want my cold fronts with snow or not at all (ok...but not with the slush or black ice)

I am reading The Post-Birthday world, which I picked up in the library because the first few pages had something to do with snooker, which because of its close association of the boy's other religion poolplaying, made me want to peruse it more.
Other than Madame Bovary, I don't think I have read a more intense dissection of marriage or monogamy or infidelity.

Happily Ever After?

We were at the bookstore today and I came across 'I'd Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper' a 'keeping your marriage together after babies' kind of book.

***me lets out of a big pocket of breath***

And egad, did it speak to me. In fact, it reached out, stroked me & gave me a fracking orgasm.

I can't tell you how afraid I have been to say that my marriage is not a 'happily ever after', not because it isn't working out but because my expectation of 'happily ever after' really has been so insanely high that the poor boy never did stand a chance.

• The book talks about women thinking of marriage (and I paraphrase here) as the comparatively easy part (And I am so guilty of this - the hard part was finding the boy, getting the parents to agree, planning the beautiful wedding - so definitely the marriage should be easier). Whereas men see marriage as a sort of 'giving up of things' - which though it sounds terribly unromantic, makes them better prepared to face up to the work that a marriage is.

• It also talks about the shift in gender roles that has left men and women confused and confrontational about what they should / should not be doing within the house & without. Like, there is no more a road map for this generation to look to as to what their roles should be like. We are constantly redefining ourselves & striving towards equality in our marriage.
  

• One of the best quotes in the book is from a 10 year veteran of marriage, & it goes:
  

"My poor husband has cereal three nights a week. I feel awful about that - I know I should be doing more! I have this anger about having to do it...I know that it's expected, so I rebel and don't do it and then feel guilty for not doing it"

Oh unknown Sara from Becks County, USA - you made me cry!!!

I don't mind feeding the husband
I don't mind cooking for the husband
I don't mind making his meals
It is so traditional and so what my mom used to do that I am having a hard time even writing the fact.
I like cooking but I hate being expected to do it.
I hate being looked at as a wife because, much as I love my liberated-in-comparison-to-the-rest-of-the-family father, there were so many things I heartily disliked about what my dad expected my mom to do that I vowed that when I got married things would be different.

And though our relationship is vastly different, yet I yearn for perfect equilibrium.

• The book speaks of how "in this pro-feminist era....with more choices & opportunities...we expect to be happier than our mothers".

How very true! I thought that since I had grown up in much more unrestrained world than my mother, I expected to be much more in control & to be in a more perfect relationship (which in my mind, equates to happiness).

And while I am, yet there seemed to be a constant need to do more, to experience more photograph worthy moments, to have more, to be yet more closer.

It's almost like I was trying to judge my own marriage/relationship from what it looked like from outside & found it lacking perfection.

'We are supposed to be romantic'
'We are supposed to be out and about'
'Our wedding anniversary has to be superlative. Superlative I tell you!'
'We need to be having more sex and being more adventurous'

Old news but it took seeing it in print for me to realise I was struggling not with the boy's expectations but with my own.

I am happy. Not excited in a Harlequin romance sort of way. He doesn't make my heart flutter all the time like he used to when we first started dating, we don't rip off each other's clothes all over the house as much as we used to, sometimes we are out and we have really boring conversations.

Is that normal?
Are we normal to be like this after 7.5 years of being together?

And today, the boy & I were discussing it and he was like - you think we don't talk enough???
Ugh.
Don't you even remember who I was when we first started going out?

And gawd, yes I do - that reticent gangly man with a cute behind who grunted his way through a conversation.

And we have come so far!

And yet, I want more. NOW!

I know that the boy is a far far cry from any of the male role models in our combined families.

But he is not yet the Renaissance man.

An example:
You think you know everything about a person and then he comes out with - 'no, I won't be comfortable with our child being gay'.
And it boggled me.
Because he has gay friends. And I have gay friends. And we have mutual gay friends.

And to confront the fact that we have such fundamental differences as above perplexed me.
Because hadn't we known each other forever?

Where does that leave me?
His nonacceptance of a potentially gay child?
Why is it easy for him to accept gay strangers and not a gay flesh and blood?

Side note:
He would not budge even in the face of disapproval from friends. I suppose it is good that he's stating his opinions and not pretending to be one person online and another offline who goes 'Oh no, I couldn't possibly move in with that person, because he/she is gay/divorced/single mother'.

Another instance, he still maintains that the appropriation of Palestinian land by Israelis is justified.
How is it that we can love each other and yet have such vastly different view points?

It's been a struggle for me to get away from the fact that two did not become one after our marriage. We are still two different entities, with unique personalities and differences, living in love. And to accept that that is fine too, in fact it may just well be fantastic - our differences creating a more interesting household.

The relief has also come from the fact that with the boy, there is no pressure to be similar.
From him, there is always acceptance of differing view points & even a matter-of-factdnessabout it.
He accepts my attitude and I am learning (v.slowly) to accept his conservatism.

And live with the fact that perhaps we may see eye to eye in the future or we may not.

It seems like such obvious fact but I am constantly surprised that our relationship is still a work in progress.

I am having one of my sleepless nights again and decided to fish out an old, childhood favorite - 'Empire of the Sun'. When I first saw it as a 9 or 10 yr old, I could not look away. I cried when Jim said he couldn't remember his parents, when his friend died. and just was simply awed by the movie.

And now, all I could think of is:
it is v. theatrically formulaic & so v. Steven Spielbergy, but still does have these lovely 'for the trailer moments';
Jim's teeth does look as if they really are rotting in the film (ever notice how characters in truly desperate situations may have the requisite dirty hands, and dirty finger nails but never dirty rotting teeth);
how incredibly adorable Jim was & how nobody realised how v. hot he would grow up to be.

I guess if you can remember when Batman was just a lost little boy, then it's official - you are no longer as young as you wish you were.

Reading Again

I am reading Robert Penn Warner's All the King's Men, and I am humbled by the fact that I am reading again.

For about 10 months now, I have been on the longest reading drought of my life.

I have sampled & not finished

* Upton Sinclair's The Jungle
* A.J.Jacob's very amusing journal The Year of Living Biblically: One man's humble quest to follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
* Gregory David Roberts' ever popular & in every friend's reading list Shantaram
* re-reading Les Miserables
* Julia Child's posthumous My Life in France
* the last chapter of Narayan's The Guide
* Coelho's The Valkyries
* Vikram Seth's Two lives* Arthur Clarke's Childhood's End
& most distressing of all been unable to finish Douglas Coupeland's JpOD, for he is the person over whose shoulder I'd most want to peep over, for I can't imagine how he touches my soul like he does.

In the past ten months, all my mind has been able to hold on to has been copious amounts of Asimov & Christie.
And I have been very sad. Because much as I love Asimov & Christie, I feel like I am cheating when I read them. Because I know them so well, and can almost predict what they will do next.

I, am discovering nothing new from them,

& have been thinking that perhaps I've finally lost that love for reading that made me sit up eons & eons ago, in the middle of the night, long after my parents had switched off the lights, to finish Pride & Prejudice or which made JS & I spend our summer sleep overs competing to finish Hardy's Tess,

& am doomed to wonder around with a mind that will not fasten itself to anything but entertainingly asinine reality shows.

And then, suddenly, out the blue, I pick up Warren, who I had dismissed earlier because after all, he was just an American Author & a Southern One at that.
And I am lost in his words. And I can cry for joy. For I found my love again.
And I am so grateful to this book for helping me find it again.

Pops

My heart is heavy today for the redhead's granddad passed away yesterday.
I know of no one who could dance an irish jig at 85, or out drink 25 year olds at 90, or flirt with a twinkle like Pops did.
Rest well Pops, you were loved and adored and we were blessed to have been given the grand old tour of your Matchbox toy car collection, to have used your lovely wood tools (that you were glad we learnt to use properly, even if we were girls), to have eaten your famous corned beef and to have laughed and laughed with you.

I am finally done thinking about my New Year's Resolutions and here they are:

1. Weight - this is two folds
1. By August 15, lose 30 pounds.
2. By December 30, lose another 20 pounds, unless external circumstance decide otherwise :)
2. Run a 10 K
3. Observe the Lent
4. Begin work on my food blog
5. By August 15, I will make head way on the rsch I was supposed to write
1. Head way = fleshing out the outline, deciding on the chapters, writing out half the chapters
6. By October, make sure our immigration stuff is taken care of

I have to recognise that 1(2) and 6 are dependent on external circumstances.
But the rest, entirely achievable.

Day 2 of Lent

No jolts so far
but did have a moment of soul stirring clarity when I was snuggling under the covers & the boy reached out to envelop me, when I went - Oh I love him so :)
Watched The Visitor, which I enjoyed immensely because of the quiet performances.
On to Day 2
I haven't slept well today so think am going to have a lie-in till 10, when I have a meeting.
Ugh...I do feel like a giant slug.
In the meantime, I hope all of you enjoy visiting my brand new food blog, inspired a lot by all the gorgeous food bloggers on my roll.

Day 1 of Lent

So far the day has started ordinarily enough.
No big revelations, no epiphanies, no sudden bolt of self-discipline jostling through my veins and no itch to wolf down meat.
We had yummy broiled fish stuffed with goodies yesterday....and I think the memory of that will sustain me through :)
Uhm...
Ok, I still need to do the major spring cleaning that I really should have done yesterday but which I didn't because I was way too preoccupied with my blogs and by this nicely done documentary 'I for India' to.
I love how the immigrant experience always seem to transcend time and place & how universal it always is. I remember my dad trying, not once but twice, to settle back in India and it turning out into a 'uhmm...maybe not this time, maybe we stay away for some more time'.

Nothing else to report except happy middle of the week, all!

Lent & all its trappings

Obviously I have been lax because Eastern Lent started on Monday.
Who knew?
Not I, apparently.
A relative of sorts sent me a v.helpful rules & regulations FB message regarding Lent and all I can say is, talk about strict observance!
Another reading that I did regarding Eastern Orthodox Lent (where I conveniently skipped the part of it starting on Monday) says Lent observers should abstain from meat, dairy & dairy products, fish and Oil.!!!
Oil!!!
You could have oil (and wine :)) on the Sabbath and Sunday
but not on the third Sabbath or something of that sort.
Oi Vey!!!
It all seemed rather confusing to me, there seems to be about a trillion rules and narry an explanation of why so many.
So for my v. own edification, here are the whys, hows and whens of how I am going to go about doing the Lent thing

The Whys

I think the past year has been one of tremendous growth & upheavals (and not always the sad kind) for the family & I. And I feel the need to take a stock of my life, my growth as a human and where this life is heading.

Side Note: Indulging/Practising your faith takes on a different hue when you are in an interfaith marriage.
We are a pretty ... I don't want to say irreligious ...but sort of 'anything goes by way of religion' household?
No that's not it.
it's...
Ok,
You know how the boy has his car and I have mine (or rather his old car...sigh)
I have a crucifix in mine and he has a little gold circle pendant with words from the Quran on it.
And we interchange cars often & don't mind the presence of either's faith.
That's how we are about each other's religion.
We do read a bit (read see documentaries) about the copted origins of our Abrahamic faith just so we have a better understanding of how to present us to our kids or present our kids with a working understanding of their spiritual circumstance.
We are completely prepared for the assault of conflict when we have children (sort of a co-owned car) but here's hoping that the foundation of understanding that we've built over the past 7 years will stand us in good stead.
Uhm...where was this side note going?
uhm...
no, Ok - I completely lost my train of thought.
End side note

Back to the whys of the Lent

• I'd like to spend a little time not doing the things that I always do. A retreat of sorts from my carnal instincts.

• I want to spend time being grateful to God for all that has made me me - all the events, all the people. And to spend time praying for my loved ones and maybe for unloved ones. Really praying.

• I yearn to get some discipline in my life. I think I live on a completely carnal, sort of by-the-flesh level.

And its not about what I eat, it's about how I think, the way I talk and bitch and gossip.
The other day A.D and I were looking through wedding photos of a less-than-loved acquaintance and bitched about her aunt who had put a safety pin outside the pleats and not under it.
That was so wrong.
I have been finding myself being covetous of those with babies...uhmm...actually just critical of those with bad taste & babies - sigh, petty much?, those whose sister did not have leukemia, those with in laws who are not going to come stay with them in July for (gasp) 2 months (Which I fully recognise is a good-get-to-know thing for I have never really spent any time with my mother-in-law, but still 2 months!!!), those whose families were closer geographically, and a whole host of other things.
And it's made me incredibly bitchy. Like 'pointing out a safety pin on the outside of a pleat on random poor aunt's sari' bitchy!
I am grateful that my sister is better and that we have the means to have another round of chemo if she does or does not require it, but the wish that it had never ever happened or that life could be wiped cleaned of any blemishes and flaws and ills is constantly with me.
And therefore, if I can't mine off my flaws, I will find them in others to bitch about.
Long and convoluted explanation of why
I want this vicious circle of bitching to end.
I want to come to a deeper understanding/a more joyful acceptance about my life

So, I am hoping this 40 day period will give me an opportunity to reflect on all of above.

The Hows
Random relative's note on the hows was quite comprehensive:

1. avoid all meat, fish, animal products, that actually includes dairy and eggs too,
Tick. Game on. But gawd, I'll miss my morning coffee ! and the meat and the FISH!!!
oH god the Fish.
The boy is making baked tilapia today and buying me the most gorgeous burger from Five Guys~ to sustain me on my non-fish, non-meat drought!
2. avoid sexual relations,
Uhmm...I am skipping this one. Because this rule seems to ignore the fact that the partner might an be unLenting 'heathen' & it seems slightly unfair on the non-lenting boy. And really, 40 days of avoiding sexual relations will be quite a hardship for the two of us :)
3. avoid lying, abusing, cursing, anger and gluttony,
And gossiping
4. giving alms n charity,
I am going to try and volunteer at a soup kitchen
5. fasting by forsaking meals (atleast 1 meal a day)
o-k (lunch it is)
6. pray all the prescribed prayers and do all kumbidals.
Uhmm...Ok - I am going pray more but not doing any prescribed ones or the kumbidals, which are a sort of prostrating prayer, I think?
7, holy confession and Qurbana
Not doing the confession bit because I don't believe in it.
The Communion - ok I think I am game for one.
I think I am going to add that I'll try and make it to church every Sunday.
Not going to be strict about which kind
8. reading bible regularly,
ok.
9, cleaning full house
Tick.
10, maintaining silence and calmness in physical and mental body
I am not really sure what this means. But I am thinking it's a way of saying what I yammered on above about finding peace.

The Whens
Since I, obviously, am a little late for the Eastern one, I am spending today cleaning the house, as per rule 9.
And tomorrow, game on Lent!!!!

Sunday dinner

The boy and I are having friends over for Sunday dinner and this time around, we decided to keep it real simple. We are learning that because we love cooking so much, we almost, always go overboard when we have people around. And then we hardly have any time to enjoy our guests because we are jumping around taking things out of the oven or the fridge or some other place

So this time, the menu'll just be :

Mixed greens with Papaya or a really green salad from the wonderful F&W. F&W always makes me feel so happy because I feel I reach a sort of cooking zenith when I cook through it. Most of the recipes are simple and yet, they just look so pretty.

Roast Chicken which is a combination of an F&W recipe and an Ina Garten one. We are using cornish game hens for it because they are a more manageable lot. The last time we made this, we were quite pleased with the result, though we only used one game hen. Here's hoping we don't muck up too much using two.

Roast veggies which really needs no recipes - just tons of green, yellow and red pepper, sweet potato and green beans roasted in delicious home-made chicken broth (I can't tell you how pleased I am that I have finally mastered the art of broth making :) ) and salt and pepper

& of course, our old staple, french loaf with roasted garlic butter spread on it

And for dessert,
we are just having coffee with chocolate hazelnut biscotti . Doesn't it look gorgeous?

The place setting are deep maroon and white, simply because we got the most gorgeous white dinnerware and a lovely maroon table runner for our wedding. Hoorah for wedding registries!

Edited to add:

It was a success - oh, I am so glad. We paired the chicken with a nice chardonnay and the whole thing went off so well.
The only blight in the culinary horizon were the biscottis which were quite easy to make but I baked it too long the first time around & so were a bit too hard
and the second time around were not sweet enough.
So got some ice cream and made Broken Biscotti ice cream with hot mocha from this wonderful BBC recipe and really the mocha did look as deeply dark as the pic, though mine was done with dutch cocoa pwdr & sugar.
All in all, a nice quite successful evening :)

ps: La Vida & Beks - come over anytime!!!

Our weekend

1. Went sake tasting at a new Japanese grocery near the beach - learned little, tasted much and enjoyed the shrimp crackers a lot. We have loved it as kids & the boy seems to really enjoy the ones my dad brought us from his Japan trip
   
2. Bought tickets for the Whirling Dervishes show next week. I have high hopes for this one
3. Had the Nigorizake, the cloudy sake, bought from the tasting, with skinny vinegar wafer crisps, which was good but not as enjoyable as the shrimp crackers
4. Have been going to the farmer's market every weekend & buying fresh produce and making squash soup, stuffed acorn, crispy okra salad. I am loving the cooking time we are getting we each other and learning to photograph better
5. Talked to my sibs, who are doing great, especially my sis
   
6. Watched Frost/Nixon which was a tiny bit Hollywoodish for my taste, though I have to say Frank Langella was quite brilliant
7. Went for an tattoo exhibition, which was kind of boring because everything looked weirdly abstract, as if they were drawn after an acid trip
   
8. Made roasted eggplant dip and chicken roast
   
9. Baked fish
   
10. Went to the gym, where the cardio theatre is currently my fav

In Kerala

Kerala #
Suffice to say I deeply resent being in it, being around it and being of it.
I used to think that ambigiouity was the main emotion I felt around Kerala - not being sure what to make of it when I am there, when I am thinking of it, when I am not there.
But no longer - I loathe the place, what it stands for, and how my family behaves when we are in the place.
I know there are people who live quite happily, & in varied states of contentment here but I don't think my family will ever be one of them. At least none of the women in my family.
I find myself nipping drinks when evening rolls around, and the women in the family gather around the box spewing idiot serialised notions of women sacrificising their tears, sweat, and histrionics to uphold the honor of their family
& when the men in the family sneak off for clandestine 'family visits' to random relatives homes to have a few 'pegs'.
I do not resent the fact that the men in the family, (which I am ashamed to say, now includes my brother - who really seems to have deteriorated into a 'first class & proud to be Mal Mallu' - complete with the shooting down on any detours from the tried and tested mal path with a 'I am not sure we can do that ... because it just is not done here' bullshit - UGH¬!)
So my gripe is I am not resenting the fact that the men in the family can go out and have fun, I resent the fact that the women in the family seem not to and seem to think they can not!!!
I resent the fact that when I reached home, my sister was dressed in a bloody dowdy housecoat with an ugly coarse BLACK scarf, never mind that it was Calvin Klein & tying under her chin like she was bloody 6 years old¬!!!!
What it is about having uncomfortable designer wear & not knowing how to use it well!
It's like on top of being sick & unable to care for herself, she was dressed in the ugliest outfit ever!
My sister has improved leaps and bounds and has taken charge of most of her functions.
She's dressing to her style & looking gorgeous - and I am not just saying that because I have to, for I have never found her attractive but suddenly her skin is glowing and her smiles are wider!
I have torn my dad and my brother a couple of new ones and for really, this whole definition of being a proud nadan as being a MAn who enjoys the machoisitc bonding of other full mustachioed hairy men, and who mournfully claim that they did not enjoy themselves for they have a sick child at home, never mind that the supposedly 'sick child' is doing everything herself, has got to STOP!
I mean, for frack's sake, have a couple of drinks and go out to Kumarokam if you want to, but do not go around answering phones with a dreary attitude and telling all and sundry that 'oh what New Year's, because of my sick child, we didn't enjoy that much'
That and this comment on my cousin's essay on the Handicapped from some half literate English Teacher at my cousin's Vidhyadi Raja High School (???).
"One of the most important thing you must remember about the handicapped is that they suffer from an inferiority complex because they can not do what we can do"
I mean, WHAT THE FRACK????
Which strange universe are these people living in?

I want to be douglas coupland's friend because he always gets people of our generation. I just watched his doc movie - Souvenir of Canada & it does make me want to jump start our canadian immigration process because he's such a quirky tour guide.