I wanted to wait till everything was right or atleast there was some perceptible change in my life before I blogged again
But that's far too long to wait.
SO much has been happening since last I wrote.
First,
The job/transfer that was offered was unoffered and taken back because of various variousness or however you want to call it but since HR had already told my current boss & department, it opened up a garbage load of mess that has been hell to live with.
Suffice to say I have lost any and all respect I have for 3 month old boss of current department.
HR decided to re-apply for visa for new job blah blah blah and informed me it would take a month to two to get it blah blah.
A month or two where I would be stuck in unpleasant situation where current department and nasty 3 month old current boss knows I had applied for job and didn't get it, a fact he kept reminding me of every single time we talked.
pricky jerk!
And then come the shocker with the boy.
Turns out his parents, after 6 bloody long years, are still not aware of the seriousness of the relationship and were unaware that we wanted to get married.
If i were to be completely honest, he hadn't told his parents the full story yet.
It made me feel betrayed, among other things, that while I was planing the wedding, he had not fully disclosed details of our life to his parents.
Which led me to believe that we may not be able to get married this year (Not BLOODY AGAIN)
So I just quit and took a leave of absence from him.
The whole situation with the job and the Boy really just broke me.
And I couldn't get myself to blog or do anything much.
I visited long lost friend in icy Minnesota and cried
And just generally tried to salvage things together.
Even as I write this, I can't begin to describe how desperately lonely and lost I was. And if I try, I can only string together cliches.
It is enough to say that December of 2007 ranks among the worst periods of my life.
After I cried and was silent bob to the boy for three weeks (which is forever for us), we met and I yelled and cried and screamed, then slept, then woke to yell and cry and scream and then slept again.
The comic bit was when the boy just looked at me sadly and asked me why I was yelling?
Why, why - you monkey?
Because we are supposed to be married this year and your parents are still acting as if this is a fling that you will get over?
You need to tell & impart on them how serious it is - my mom is enthused enough to try and book a ticket to freaking Dhaka to compare saris with yours.
In the end,
everything sorted itself out -kinda
His parents still refuse to talk to me and there is a chance they may not come for the wedding. But in parents' mind, this is because the bOy's father is desperately ill (which he was but is now recovering).
But miraculously, my father is now v.v.excited about wedding, even asking me if we could have it in August so that his friends (who I haven't seen in a hundred years) can attend.
I have an unshakeable Charlotte York like mantra that everything happens for a reason.
Today, I can see why the November wedding not happening was a good thing.
Somewhere, somehow this has taught me patience and has given my dad the time he needed to get used to the idea and even (gasp) respecting the boy a bit . The whole month of December - rubbish though it was, has made the boy more involved in the wedding that may happen this year.
As for the job, this whole mess made me look for jobs in florida where the boy is.
And surprise! surprise! I found one.
The only problem is the contract for Florida job came through on Thursday, the exact same day the visa approvals came through for the transfer job in smalltown - Geez, when it rains ....
so now I have two jobs
one which pays more and is in florida
the other which lets me travel to more but is far away from the boy.
NO guesses for which one i am going to take.
It's been two long and slow years since the boy left for florida and though my life has been blessed to overflowing with smart and funny friends and a job, I have been desperately lonely.
I have been miserable without my partner and it's been hell to come back at the end of the day to an apartment that is just a bloody apartment.
To look forward to a phone call or a weekend visit, to yearn for a Thanksgiving weekend where you are overjoyed at being able to cook together, or walk together or drive together.
I turned 30 on Jan 11 and the boy was there and so were a whole bunch of friends at our fav live music place - it seriously was the best birthday ever - but really, if the boy wasn't there, I would have just whined and been a poop in the corner, drinking myself to alcoholic anonymous
I just can't explain how much fuller and more active and more social and more of life I am when we are together.
It's not the act of being together 24/7 but the unblemished joy of knowing that you have this person to come back to, in a bar, in a room, in a conversation, in everything.
Nags wrote this about long distance relationships - If you are in love you shouldn't need to feel lonely, you shouldn't need to spend uncertain amounts of time apart, to pine and yearn all the time. Its really not fun!
So, with that I am back.
I guess things have changed in that I am more of hope today than I was a month ago.
But that's far too long to wait.
SO much has been happening since last I wrote.
First,
The job/transfer that was offered was unoffered and taken back because of various variousness or however you want to call it but since HR had already told my current boss & department, it opened up a garbage load of mess that has been hell to live with.
Suffice to say I have lost any and all respect I have for 3 month old boss of current department.
HR decided to re-apply for visa for new job blah blah blah and informed me it would take a month to two to get it blah blah.
A month or two where I would be stuck in unpleasant situation where current department and nasty 3 month old current boss knows I had applied for job and didn't get it, a fact he kept reminding me of every single time we talked.
pricky jerk!
And then come the shocker with the boy.
Turns out his parents, after 6 bloody long years, are still not aware of the seriousness of the relationship and were unaware that we wanted to get married.
If i were to be completely honest, he hadn't told his parents the full story yet.
It made me feel betrayed, among other things, that while I was planing the wedding, he had not fully disclosed details of our life to his parents.
Which led me to believe that we may not be able to get married this year (Not BLOODY AGAIN)
So I just quit and took a leave of absence from him.
The whole situation with the job and the Boy really just broke me.
And I couldn't get myself to blog or do anything much.
I visited long lost friend in icy Minnesota and cried
And just generally tried to salvage things together.
Even as I write this, I can't begin to describe how desperately lonely and lost I was. And if I try, I can only string together cliches.
It is enough to say that December of 2007 ranks among the worst periods of my life.
After I cried and was silent bob to the boy for three weeks (which is forever for us), we met and I yelled and cried and screamed, then slept, then woke to yell and cry and scream and then slept again.
The comic bit was when the boy just looked at me sadly and asked me why I was yelling?
Why, why - you monkey?
Because we are supposed to be married this year and your parents are still acting as if this is a fling that you will get over?
You need to tell & impart on them how serious it is - my mom is enthused enough to try and book a ticket to freaking Dhaka to compare saris with yours.
In the end,
everything sorted itself out -kinda
His parents still refuse to talk to me and there is a chance they may not come for the wedding. But in parents' mind, this is because the bOy's father is desperately ill (which he was but is now recovering).
But miraculously, my father is now v.v.excited about wedding, even asking me if we could have it in August so that his friends (who I haven't seen in a hundred years) can attend.
I have an unshakeable Charlotte York like mantra that everything happens for a reason.
Today, I can see why the November wedding not happening was a good thing.
Somewhere, somehow this has taught me patience and has given my dad the time he needed to get used to the idea and even (gasp) respecting the boy a bit . The whole month of December - rubbish though it was, has made the boy more involved in the wedding that may happen this year.
As for the job, this whole mess made me look for jobs in florida where the boy is.
And surprise! surprise! I found one.
The only problem is the contract for Florida job came through on Thursday, the exact same day the visa approvals came through for the transfer job in smalltown - Geez, when it rains ....
so now I have two jobs
one which pays more and is in florida
the other which lets me travel to more but is far away from the boy.
NO guesses for which one i am going to take.
It's been two long and slow years since the boy left for florida and though my life has been blessed to overflowing with smart and funny friends and a job, I have been desperately lonely.
I have been miserable without my partner and it's been hell to come back at the end of the day to an apartment that is just a bloody apartment.
To look forward to a phone call or a weekend visit, to yearn for a Thanksgiving weekend where you are overjoyed at being able to cook together, or walk together or drive together.
I turned 30 on Jan 11 and the boy was there and so were a whole bunch of friends at our fav live music place - it seriously was the best birthday ever - but really, if the boy wasn't there, I would have just whined and been a poop in the corner, drinking myself to alcoholic anonymous
I just can't explain how much fuller and more active and more social and more of life I am when we are together.
It's not the act of being together 24/7 but the unblemished joy of knowing that you have this person to come back to, in a bar, in a room, in a conversation, in everything.
Nags wrote this about long distance relationships - If you are in love you shouldn't need to feel lonely, you shouldn't need to spend uncertain amounts of time apart, to pine and yearn all the time. Its really not fun!
So, with that I am back.
I guess things have changed in that I am more of hope today than I was a month ago.
8 comments:
Dear dear dear brave me,
belated happy birthday and i hope your skies stay sunny this year.
Dear Me,
You won't believe the way my heart went up and down while reading each line of your post. I understand, I empathise and I totally agree with all your feelings. I am so freaking happy that you moving to the same city as boy. In fact, I feel like I am moving to the same city as my boy, that's how happy I am for you.
Chin up and kick Dec 2007 in the butt by having an awesome 2008, whole year through!!
Love,
Nags
ahhh babe - that must have been one hell of a time :( if you guys got through that tho - that's definitely a good sign. Am happy to see that you are back and 2008 is looking brighter already.
PS - long distance relationships suck, so I'm v.v happy that you will be close to the Boy :)
I am so happy to see you blogging again. And that you are ok. And I don't think you are bipolar, for what it is worth! I think you are wonderful...
Finally, you are back! I was slowly getting tired of checking if you had blogged and in an imaginative moment have pictured you prisoned in surian christian tharavad, away from muslim BF. Good to see that things are moving along!
Back after ages ... well partly because after ages I have a decent Internet connection and some time!
So catching up on everyone... was quite a shock to start reading this post... and a smile by the end. So things looking better now and hope 2008 is the fantastic year that makes up for a bad ending in 07!
I'm so glad you're back... I was getting worried. GirlySmack even came over to my blog to see if I knew anything - which of course I didn't. If you ever feel the need to drop out for a while, could you let us know that you're taking a break? We care - and we worry.
Now for the rest - hurray! Dad's on board, Florida job beckons (if you don't take it you are nuts), Boy/Man is coming around to wedding. I think 2008 is gonna be your year, Me!
WHEW ! You're back and you're okay.. My heart went out for you and I felt so angry with all the world for being so hard on you! But, things are falling into place, aren't they?
Glad for you! Happy belated birthday!
And don't ever disappear like that again (not that I'm one to talk :) )
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