There is a moment, or there was a moment after I heard the news where pure grief took over and obliterated any ego and i didn't care how I would look to the world.
Where pride just vanished and i reached out to a.d and cried like a baby or when i indulged in my anger to the most patient m.l,
when I didn't care about statuses or visas or anything in between. where I lashed to god to give it to me instead of my sister, but I think that moment has passed.
Today, thoughts of what to have for lunch, and what to do for upcoming trip to MN, thoughts of comments & site counter and associated nonsense are trying to seep in.
I don't want to join the real world just yet. I want to be back in that moment because though i was hurting more, I was also a better human being.
I was thinking more about and for Annmol and my family than i was about ME.
It was like my brain opened a window into the altruistic part of me - a sort of 'this is how Christ would have been if he was alive' room and the real christ not the gay bashing, war mongering christ of the republicans - see? i was on another cloud where real life didn't matter and now i am crashing down to situational labels of politics.
The boy has been a gem - cooking, cleaning, talking to the family and just wrapping me up in him.
With my family, I keep not crying and generally doning my 'it's Me - the strong, uncrying, airy, jokey' alter ego to my family, except for the one time when little bro and I cried together.
He's flying to india on the 12th. My dad is leaving in the next couple of days.
And i want so badly to be there.
I don't know what i can do to help but i want to be there.
I want to just book my tickets today and go.
But the boy is more level headed and wants to wait till we find out about the next round of tests and which hospital they are going to transferring her.
Everybody feels that it is difficult for her to travel because of her preexisting condition and SEE that's it.
That's what i was trying to tell the boy when i wanted to just go and he was advising on waiting a couple of days.
I go with my gut every-time. and the boy is logical and spredsheety.
And i told him - "my gut tells me I need to be there RIGHT NOW because they are going to be all down about oh she can't travel because of her MD and if i am there, i can just talk to it out/ or yell it out or something and make them see its doable and i don't know if you can understand that.
And he broke my heart by whispering - of course we are going to go. And BTW I do know. and I did want to go too.
I felt, rightly, like a selfish wench.

(wOw.
How's that for shared somethings?
When the boy and first started getting serious, I made a list of all the things we did not have in common and while I was telling him that, Deep Blue Something's Breakfast at Tiffany's came on the radio and it sort of became our anthem...
If we didn't have anything else in common, at least we had a song and a dozen movies
and now we have This)

What i wanted to say was - in the boy's family, he is who they go to for logical direction and financial support.
And though i know that he would have loved more than anything to serve his dad, i don't believe That the boy could have provided the emotional....
ugh.
This is not coming out right.
My extended family can sort of harp on the slightly pessimistic side and i just think i can help by being who i am - by bringing hope or positivity - which makes me sound like a wannabe obama
but i make my sister laugh and make her talk.
And i make my little brother laugh too
And i just know that if i am there, i can help not just physically but doing things that others may not think of, like reading to her, or playing with her or burning cds of her fav shows or when the odds seemed stacked because the relis may not want to travel too far not because they don't want to but because they are afraid she won't be able to, i can sort of push and say we could,
you know?

......
.......
.

I am wrong to compare myself with the boy and to even state that my physical presence is more needed than the boy's with his dad.
But
I can not see my poor sweet loving boy, even on his most loving, kind and trying hardest day, as a well of emotional touchy feely support.
He is the rock that held that family together and made them striving harder even from a far away land.

see?
Why am i even having this discussion?
It's like all thoughts of my sister has been replaced by me vs. you arguments and case points in my head.
& its not even like the boy made an issue out of this. or that we had a throwdown where the boy donned some sort of dictatorial hat and forbade me to leave or some rubbish like that.
All he said was - let's wait a tiny bit.
It's like my brain is making a gigantic internal intellectual mountain out of a nonexistent issue of a molehill - this your caution vs. my instinctual impulsiveness.
and now, instead of spending time thinking of my sis, my brain is obsessed with THIS issue????

I wonder if it is some kind of defense mechanism?

Otherwise, I occupy myself by calling my mother & sis in kerala, my father in dubai, and my brother in Aus twice a day every day.
Never before has this whole international diaspora of the me family seemed more harsh than now.

The reality of MY SISTER's optimistic and regular , every day personality just does not equate to this big word leukemia
For frack's sake - this is some on who called me a loser for not getting a concept/a book/a movie just the other day!!!
It does not add up

Edited to add:

So I tried explaining to the boy my P.O.V because I just.could.not.let. it. go :( but I was extremely gentle about it. While we were sitting outside having our morning coffee (at 1 pm :)
i: You know that thing about being there, I feel you took care of everything when it was your dad's case. You booked the tickets to Singapore, the hotels, the doctor visits, everything financial was taken care of by you. But in my case, I am contributing nothing.
Tb (nodding): Yes..you are right but I just feel at some point in Jan or so, everybody will have to get on with their lives and your parents will really need your help then. I just want us to be there to really help, you know?

And that, as usual, is right.