i am not sure what kind of person i am.
i know we are constantly evolving as human beings and most times, i have a grip on who i am.
but today, i feel lost.
do i have this blog because i am too self involved? i guess so.
but on the other hand, this blog has also helped me vent out things that in my ways and helped me feed my writings cravings and when things were especially low, i could always say - well at least i have a blog.
am i pity craver? yeah, i think so.
i love to hear people's opinions on my problems, voraciously live through other people's blog, and so on and so forth.
do i tell bad news to friends because of how i grew up seeing my dad and mom take out their phone book and call near and dear to impart some bad news.
maybe it's because of the immigrant experience - that of making sure all know what's going on because you are so far away from your home base.
Whatever it is, i called the redhead and the roomie today and told them the news.
The A.D and the M.L knew yesterday
and i got to know the day before.
my little sister has leukemia.
i think it is safe to say that i am very confused with God's will or even the purpose of things right now.
yes life is unfair and weird.
But like sammon, the brother says, why are the odds so stacked against some people?
if anybody in the family did not deserve to be tested by another disease it is my Annmol.
She was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy as a kid, and though it was a mild one, it made her walk with a limp and climbing stairs a hassle & now there's this to boot.
i am a little numb.
she doesn't know yet.
i keep telling her inappropriate jokes while she's hooked to an IV in a hospital - talk about cinematic images to invoke pity
and telling sammon weird jokes after we cried together for an eternity and ended up trying to discuss top gear
random thoughts with random nonsense filter in an out of my brain
i am eating chinese and annmol can't keep anything down
can i make a book out of this.
did i know something was wrong because i got a real bout of 'can't sleepsies' that night and stayed up watching random shows and called my dad at 4 in the morning just to talk and found him crying because he had just received a call from my mom, my amazing amazing mom who is so brave and is not exhibiting any of the 'defeatist woe is us' attitude that we always tease her about.
About about abut - isn't it curious when canadians say that word? at ex-work place, i would construct questions so my canadian team would have to say that word.
i had a canadian team, a brit team and an australian team - with whom i had meaningless conference calls with.

You know, I have always tried to prepare myself for the 'worst news ever' call or scenario.
My father dying of a heart attack.
My mother dying in a plane crash.
The boy being hit by a car or dying of lung cancer or just being taken away in a rapture like situation.
and planing out their funerals.
But never, once in 30 years, did i ever dream of or make up a scenario where the Sammon and the Annmol are ill / or in a crash / or die.
i think it's because more than your parents and spouse, your siblings are you.
there's nobody who knows the intricate workings of your life and the shared history that goes with more than your siblings.
by confronting my parents mortality in such a macabre way, you confront your past and by dealing with the possibility that your spouse could die, i am sort of preparing myself for a day when my future may be uncertain or lonely.
but even thinking of my siblings mortality never once crossed my mind because then you have to think of your own death.
they have always been my present. the ones who stand with me in the mortality calendar.
And now, all i can think of is what I have been so far.
I was never the loving kindly elder sister.
I was a manipulative bossy loner who used them when i was bored and then ditched them as soon as my friends were over
But i remember, because i was so much older, feeding them rice and veggies by telling them ridiculous stories of kings and queens and playing weird games where our homes were wrecked by volcanoes and we had to flee to start life elsewhere. and i also remember late late late at night, waking up and to check if they were still breathing because i had read of SIDS.
the first time we three hung out together was when they came to madras and i remember yelling at my sister for using her dystrophy as the reason for not doing things like standing up during choir. All that wasted time not loving her enough.
and now she has
Leu-ke-mia
LEUKEMIA
leukemia
LEUKEMIA

and i don't.
and i have a life where i have a cold that can be taken care of by a pill.
and she doesn't.
i don't think the word g.r.i.e.f is enough to cover the emotions that wash over us.
wave after wave of pinprickly sadness and regret and rage and desperate pleaing - pleeing - plea ing? pleading.
just outright pleading that it would be taken away from her.
i remember writing at some point some time ago about how i wanted to just tightly hold the ones that i love so closely and firmly that nothing could ever take them away.
it seems things always do.
and that random strangeness like this occurs.
two weeks ago an unlovable prickly relative of ours committed suicide and we were left with shock that we didn't reach out to him.
no sadness, just shock and after that as my mom put it, a chapter seemed to have closed.
but now all i can think of was, if there really is some sort of tally that god keeps as to who gets what, why didn't He just give the prickly suicidal reli the cancer and leave my baby sister out?
i'd like to get to a point where the tears are not falling anymore.