Some introspective yadayadas

So, you know how I've been walking the fine line @ work between wanting it all & playing it cool.

I don't have to anymore.

Last week, after very hectic travelling to no where fun, I was given the position I coveted with the team I have a work crush on.

J.O.Y.

And then I got introduced to my team. Double Joy.

And I was ecstatic when we rolled out our media plan and all sorts of exciting somethings.

And then I started panicking.

What if my marketing plan turns out a load of crap.

What if social media really is a bunch of junk.

What if...

Gawd,

I feel a bit overwhelmed/out of my depth/like I may have taken on too much.

And then all these doubts assail me.

And things spill out at me from different parts of my life.

Like weird things.

Things that really have no place in my life.

Things like geez - my house is a mess.

We have no food.

My closet is so disorganized.

I don't know if I am doing some weird sort of sabotage

But i have to constantly make myself stop from thinking these silly thoughts when I am at work.

It's like I want everything to be perfect - a neatly organized closet, freshly cleaned house, food that don't stink up my refrigerator

Because though we try & try, we can't seem to get a handle on our house. It just keeps unravelling on us.

Sigh.

I am working on a make-or-break MarCom plan for big boss at work.

And I desperately want it to go well.

But i can't seem to get the data or identify the funding I require and I feel I may be going bonkers. And when the stars do align and I can put my mind to it, other rubbish keeps tumbling in.

Maybe it's that I have never worked this hard in my life.

All my previous jobs have been a bit of a breeze.

And this one really challenges me, and tests me. and Make me want to do so much more than the usual rubbish I put in at work.

I think letting my mind slide on irrelevancies like a messy home feels so very much safer than taking the risk and actually putting my heart/soul/mind/& all other associated shit into work.

sigh.

I am going now to soak in the tub for a while.