Fuck it.
Let me just dispense with all the euphemisms and say it:
i think i may be depressed.
Not in the 'I am so bored, I may be depressed' but in the 'i need therapy' depressed.
I think i realized it on Friday, when the boss called me in to ask me if i was interested in a new promotion.
It would mean more interesting projects, better pay, better insurance, and all that jazz.
But while I faked enthusiasm, I felt neither elation, nor happiness or anything in between.
The only time I felt even the slightest bit of emotion was the fact that better insurance would cover more fertility treatments.
What I hate about being infertile is the complete lack of control i have over how it makes me feel.
Let me just dispense with all the euphemisms and say it:
i think i may be depressed.
Not in the 'I am so bored, I may be depressed' but in the 'i need therapy' depressed.
I think i realized it on Friday, when the boss called me in to ask me if i was interested in a new promotion.
It would mean more interesting projects, better pay, better insurance, and all that jazz.
But while I faked enthusiasm, I felt neither elation, nor happiness or anything in between.
The only time I felt even the slightest bit of emotion was the fact that better insurance would cover more fertility treatments.
What I hate about being infertile is the complete lack of control i have over how it makes me feel.
And the treatment I take does not help any.
And the bro-in-law being here does not help any. But I suspect a part of my frustration with that arrangement might be transference of other annoyances I can't handle.
Like the fact that I am also quite seriously annoyed @ myself for teaching myself to become a chronic procrastinator.
I have become so bad that yesterday i spent time reading Psychology Today on what makes a person procrastinate while I was procrastinating.
.geez.
Maybe I am not so depressed as I am annoyed at my inability to be cheerful, to look on the bright things in life and strive for the rainbow that is hiding in each one of us.
or some jazz like that.
Dear God, Trust this finds you in good cheer. Just wanted to let you know I am so tired of waiting. If you don't mind, I'd like this walk in the desert to reach some sort of oasis. Love ya! ps: please don't use this prayer upward to teach me a lesson a la Daniel & the lion's cave style. Don't know if I'd fare well.
I can feel a tiny bit of me uncoiling now that I have thrown this bit out there. Thank you cyberworld.
6 comments:
hey...i've heard the best way to depression is keeping yourself busy - and the new promotion sounds like it might help??
Aww...hugs
U have a lot on your plate. I think you are really stressed.
Big hugs
Hey! I think it's completely natural and normal. I do this a lot too, even though I have no fertility treatments (don't think it's covered under insurance in India). I've also not told my family about the infertility really, though it's messing with my mind regularly. Being philosophical only works so long :)
Hang in there,
SC
I hear you girl! I hear you. Just breathe!
Childwoman~
Hi Me! Sorry you are feeling down. Btw, I'm a big believer in therapy, irrespective of whether you are depressed or not.
I am a big procrastinator too and have to fight with myself to prioritise.
Hey Me.
Glad to have you back. I've actually been where you are.. sort of..
I just cried and cried for weeks and could not get out of bed for days on end and I did not even have a job to back to. Had to deal with a new baby in the house (the irony i know) AND totally unsupportive mil. Yes it was just the best combination.
HOWEVER, threw tantrums and had therapy. did not go through with all six recommneded sessions but even the five that I did go for helped sort out the thoughts in my head.
Hope the sun shines soon *HUGS*
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