Things I am learning

I was in middleAmerica this weekend to meet the boy's folks for the very first time.

There was a time when I was planing my wedding, when people talked of how all they had to do for their wedding was simply show up.

And a tiny part of me sighed.

I loved planning every detail of my wedding, down to the tablecloth and centerpiece and flowers and everything in between.

But the tiny-part-of-me-that-sighs wished we had some help, in the form of relis.

After this weekend, I want to kick the ass off of that tiny part of me.

Because, & I want to make sure I get this right,

I can not imagine a worse fate than having somebody choose for me or someone else's opinion and taste shoved down on me.

Let me say that again so my subconscious never, ever forgets it:

There is nothing worse for me than to have to even listen to somebody expound on anything remotely concerned with my life.

This weekend, I was charming, made conversation with old grandmother with stern expression while wearing short dresses, making conversations with the interesting uncles, ignoring the boring aunties, and answering the kids' curiosity about my heritage.

This weekend, I think the boy & I made progress on our relationship. This is such an ongoing process that I need to put this in writing, in order to learn from it.

Things we learnt/realized/discussed:

• I will not be changing any part of me (even the irrelevant parts) or pretending to, to please anybody in his family. I am entitled to this not just because I have been generous enough to share my house with his family, but because why would he want a lesser me than he is used to? The boy's family physical proximity makes it tougher on me to keep up appearances. Example -- Say, the boy pretends to like sweet stuff when he obviously doesn't to please my family. That's fine when my family lives thousands of miles away and he sees them once a year. Not so for me. I would have to pretend longer and harder and more often.
• The only way I will survive this is to be myself. The ME that is polite, knows-how-to-act-in-society person but who also knows how to express herself.
• The boy is never, ever going to understand the infinitesimal assumptions that are expected for the woman to perform with in-laws.

For instance, the boy's mother took me aside and asked if I would do my hair in a particular way for the party.

I can't imagine my parents ever asking the boy this. Or any other situation where the boy would be asked by my family his choice of wardrobe. But I am given suggestions because of my gender??? And please, don't tell me this is a bonding thing.

Because a) if this is what you think of as bonding, why even bother? We are of two, completely different sorts and are never going to even see eye to eye. So why this false pretense?

b) Why do we have to bond? Is it not enough that we peacefully co-exist? I just do not have it in me to want to accept any more people. I mean, you have to accept your family's quirks and such but you've had 30 or so years to get around to it.

Why must I be subjected to go through the charade of bonding, especially since I am subjected to the whole living with them? I mean, doesn't the very fact that I have invited you into my house exempt me from the act of pretend bonding? (which I would have attempted if I was interacting with you for limited time over vacations)

Why would anybody assume they can tell me what to do with my hair or any other part of me when they have known me for less than a month????

I smiled and told her no. I very firmly put aside the hair style her sisters had chosen for me.

It is not that I do not know how to handle these situations but I am flummoxed that in today's day & age, any person would even think of going there. What gives you the right to even suggest anything to me? I am but a stranger who happens to have married your son.

• I asked the boy to trust that I will always be polite and kind to his mother but I need to keep nipping in the bud this need of everybody and anybody to make me conform to his family, even aesthetically.
• We discussed this long and hard, with several 'it's only for this weekend' pleas thrown in.
• I did compromise for one evening where what was wrought on me aesthetically was so un-like my style that none of the boy's family has even showed me the pics, since my countenance made it quite plain what I thought of the whole charade. The boy's family can't place me - for I am polite and nice but I am so obviously not the acquiescing kind. Their permanent expression when I am around seem to be puzzled smiles. Which is fine by me.
• The boy stood up for me many, many times this weekend. And I think it's time I finally forgive him for the many things I hold over him regarding the past.
• I love the boy. But when it comes to family, we each look out for our own family. Especially for the boy, who is haunted by the spectre of a dead, cancer-ridden father whose demise he was not there to help with. He feels, quite rightly, that he owes his mother a lot.
• I understand this & also understand the fact that for now, the boy's mother & brother have no other recourse but to live with us.
• But like I told the boy, for our relationship to survive without resentment, we need to understand that we can't be pushed beyond our nature.
• For me, it means he accepts that I being given a wide berth in EVERYTHING. I am extremely picky and selective about everything. I have strong opinions on everything under the sun and will not concede this to please anybody. Like I said, this isn't something you should be surprised by.
• For him, it means I accept that his idea of taking care of his widowed mom means actually having her live with her children for the rest of her life. Thankfully, she has three children and our time will be reduced in the future to having her with us for 2 months out of a year. The dissonance for me is that my parents and even grandparents are such firm believers of independent living. My 75 year old grandmother, even at this age, refuses to live with her children. She has consented, after much haranguing. to live next to them but that's as far as she will go.
• I have realized while I love the boy very, very much, it does not even come close to how much I value my will, my independence and my personality.

This weekend, I realized that

being me and being strong is such a part of me that it's the default character trait I go to in any situation.

that I was thankful for my family & for my soul sister AD.

& that I have became more tolerant of all those who had/have to fight to make themselves look like themselves during any times that have involved relatives.

And finally, I take comfort in Anais Nin:

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.”