we are sort of on the other side of this.
we are at a place now where my boy is Wi challenging me, where he is semi-cooking again, where we can join close friends for dinner at the new Mexican place where we had deliciously grilled quail.
i once remember telling somebody that i wanted to experience every human emotion - and that love and grief of loss was something I knew nothing about.
Ugh.
talk about answered prayers.
i know others take longer and i know i would have wallowed in my grief a little longer - prolonging it for all its worth, But the boy decided one day to smile and hug and move past it.
i don't know if that's good or not - he gets incredibly quiet when i talk about his father but atleast now, he is talking about things related to his dad ... little by little.

his dad's death also made us examine ourselves:
we were talking ourselves to sleep when i decided i really did want to get healthy again
and the boy decided he did want to quit smoking
but we felt there were no real stakes involved
so we have decided that for every five pounds i lost, the boy would give up one day / week of smoking
we hope that by the time I am down 35 pounds, the boy will not be smoking at all.
I want to see how far we will take this.


Thank you all for your kind words and prayers - it meant so v. much to me!
and most expecially to Hillgrandmom whose hope that 'he will find his solace in me' really echoed what my mom said and made me try to forget about myself and think solely of the boy, if only for a little while.