Somedays

I feel like I could rip the boy a new one!
(I never really understood what that meant till I heard it in a prison movie and then it was like eewwww 0 ouch! )

Today the boy came up with a new suggestion

Boy: so are you ok?
Me: Yeah...i am not ill anymore.
Boy: No, I meant are you ok mentally? are you still depressed?
Me: I am still upset because I want this period in my life to end.
Boy: It will hon, but are you going to be like this till it ends.
Me: I don't know hon. I really don't. It's just that I didn't think it would be this hard and after 6 years, I really expect some kind of resolution to this life we are leading.
Boy: It is going to happen. The wedding you know.
Me: yeah, i do know.

But the whole point of it is, I don't.

I really fracking don't.

He hasn't bloody set a date.

We have a month. A bloody month.

How pathetic is it to tell somebody that you have a month/

Randomperson: Hey, have you guys set a date yet?
Me: Uh...no...we have a month. it in june.
Rp: oh ... ok (rollof eyes)

and even more pathetic when you have tell friends and family because, of course, everybody wants to know, as I so do, why the hell we can't fix a date.

Ok granted, we have so many things standing in our way.

One: His dad's cancer
Two: Our shortage of funds, which after one year of slow and steady gain is now suddenly plummeting again because ONE.

The thing is, i just am not/ was not prepared for this doing it alone business.

I always, always thought that I would have money. (I sound like such a supercilious snob here but honestly, I really thought when it came to getting married, I would just turn to my dad and he would do it all)

But I didn't count on hooking up with somebody like the boy, who refuses point blank to ever accept anything from my dad.

Fracketity frack fruck.

And I am so soo conflicted because I am hurting inside for the boy because of his dad's cancer and my need to be supportive
and
the enormous guilt I feel for thinking about 'us' before him (the boy and/or his dad).

I just want to scream and cry because I refuse to live alone like this anymore.
If i have to stay away from the boy, I wanted to be with my family and not in a bloody apartment all by my bloody self, scrimping and saving.

While my mind process all the above information, the boy is still talking

Boy: so I think we should go ahead and book your india tickets. Because you need to do it fast. And Sammon leaves in Jan, so you want to be there before he leaves.
Me: No. I refuse to go to India till we have put the deposit down for a place and have a date.
[Background - according to the timeline we agreed on when 1st wedding was postponed, we were supposed to set the date by end of Nov/beginning of Dec. But he has been such a non-proactive person about this that I had to get the details of the venue thing again
and
doing the whole finding a place thing just makes me so upset. because I went through all this before with no results]
Boy: I think you have more of a hassle about it than your parents. We have a month. I think your parents are going to be fine because you have a month you know, so I think that will be ok I mean, it's in June and....

And I exploded.
It's like I couldn't help myself.
I just could not stop this gush of words pouring out.
It was like I was metamorphing into my parents right then and there.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD HIM?
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A METICULOUS OVERPLANNER HE IS? HE WANTS TO BOOK THEIR TICKETS
MY MOM WANTS TO COME HERE A MONTH BEFORE AND THEY WILL WANT TO KNOW A DATE!
YOU THINK I AM GOING TO GO HOME TO MY PARENTS AND MY BITCHY RELATIVES AND TELL THEM I HAVE A MONTH?
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHY THEY WANT ME TO COME DOWN?
I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL SORTS OF BEFORE MARRIAGE CEREMONIES AND BUY CLOTHES AND JEWELLERY
AND
TELL THEM I HAVE A FUCKING MONTH? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE???

I am ashamed of myself now that I type it but my new policy is not to gloss over anything and to be completely one hundred percent honest. So there it is, the unvarnished me.

But , oh god, Why does he not get this?
Granted, i am such an overdramatic witch that most of the logic in my argument is lost because of my foul language,
but why does he not get the simple fact that I want to have this marriage fixed? My parents want their eldest daughter to be secure. I want to start the new phase of our life together.

BOy: I think you are making this more complicated than it is. You know, we are going to get married. You know we'll fix a date.

Why does he not get it that the time to do the slow and steady thing is long past done.

I am so over this marriage thing at times that I feel no joy in even thinking about it anymore.