an affirmation

Since I have been back in smalltownamerica after a hiatus of over a month, I have been unaccountably happy.
And I am just swishing around in this bathtub of happy feelings inside me that whatever life throws at me can be dealt with, a little at a time.
I miss the boy terribly but I am learning to live one day at a time and not think too much about:

all the intervening months till we get married
how we really need to start the whole wedding planning
How we can't get the whole wedding planning thing started till certain unbloggable things have been achieved
How I need to lose weight because I refuse to be the fat bride that everybody lies to.

All these things are still in the back of my mind but as motivators not as the high anxiety ridden, stress filled, depression items of the pre-month away period.
I seem to have got away from it all and somehow destressed myself.
And now that I am back, by god's grace, I have filled my life again with work and friends and activities that I don't have time anymore to mull.

Hillgrandmom said some powerful stuff on her blog about how it was only by rigidly compartmentalizing her thoughts that she was able to deal with her depression.

I know I was depressed before and I don't want to go back to that sad, anxious stage anymore. (Rigidly compartmentalizing here) though am more accepting of fact that anxious stage could be a recurring theme of my life.

All the other middling issues
"I hate living here"
"I want to move"
"I hate my job"
are still there but they seem to fade away in the face of the fact that I am alive, I have a kind, loving, accepting man, adoring parents who I cherish, two gorgeous siblings, a fantastically fulfilling job where I am valued and where my absence is sorely missed, and friends who I love dearly and my faith.

Sometimes it is so hard to list the good things out loud. Of all the things my wonderful culture and religion taught me, the one thing that I am not ecstatic about is that we are so afraid to be happy or to list the things that make us happy. Because what if fate casts a bad eye on it and it is taken away from us? I am learning to say Well then, atleast I have enjoyed myself immensely thus far.

I feel a part of me is growing up in a good way.