I was at Yoga class yesterday evening,
dimmed lights, flowing music, comfy tapas mat on hardwood floors, soothing yoga instructor
when it suddenly hit me how tense and angry I am.
Not just 'oh knotted muscles and miffed'
But TENSE & with so much rage, that I lost equilibrium during tree pose and had to do breathing exercises to calm down tense.
I thought I was over this emotional crap.
But it's like underneath the pleasantly-enjoying-life-and-doing-constructive-things-with-it surface, I am really irritable and just plain mad these days.
Made hasty conversation with NewfriendmadeatYoga and came home, ignored Roomie and went to room, saw the gigantic bed and everything in me unravelled. I started plummeling it. Literally beating the bed.
After which I got exhausted and washed myself and was numbed to sleep by old movies on laptop.
am examining it today.
Things that have happened
I put on 5 pounds (not that that's the reason why I am mad)
when I was going through the last phase thingy, I ate like a starving Ethiopian. It was like the emotions I couldn't get out, I was suppressing with food.
I am past the angsty stage and I have stopped the binge eating, and started the doing constructive things with my life
BUT
my angst has been replaced by irritable anger.
Things are driving me up the wall:
People driving 50 or below on the fast lane of a 65 speed limit highway,
Graphic designers on west coast who need to learn to speak better and not be so boringly meandering in their 2 hour long presentation, punctuated by 'uhmmmsss...., 2 min pauses' and inconsiderate going past cut off time of 5:45pm on my coast when it's only bloody 3:45 on theirs, on the daybeforeholiday day that made me late for happy hour with oldbossmen and funnycolleagues.
Idiot bureaucrats at work who make me wait on them for inane reasons.
People I know
People I don't know
And, i know this is so wrong of me, The Boy.
Always the Boy.
I love him but am so mad at him. Sometimes when I am talking to him, I say the things I should never say out loud. Like how I hold him accountable for the fact that we are not getting married this year. Like how I think he's going to mess up the wedding next year too. I know it's wrong of me. I know it. And I really need to let go and move on.
But it's like I can't stop rehashing reasons to hurt him more.
I keep thinking in my head, that maybe...
No, actually - i don't know what i am thinking in my head.
All i know is that this is so destructive - this tendency of mine to mope around.
It's like i had the whole meltdown, I had the crying fits and I had all this drama about not getting married this year. But what about him?
How come he's not hurting enough over the loss of this year to cry, or weep or do any of the things I am doing?
And maybe, lets see, if i can slide a reason in here to see if he's hurt.
we'd be having a normal conversation, and bang bang, I insert a neat goad a la 'wellwe arenot getting married this year because of you so I don't care' routine.
I have done this twice and I am soooo ashamed of it. I need to stop.
And I feel anything can trigger this taking out anger on boy because heck, you can't take out anger on circumstances:
My auntyammachi sent me photographs of sons and daughters visiting India
Delete Delete Bang Bang at boy
Friend pooh poohed the Me image in blog.
Delete. Delete more
Snazzydresseratwork was rude to newhillariouslyfunnycolleague and I.
We walked away mid rude conversation but still felt like calling boy up.
This post does not make sense but really, neither does my what's going on in my head at the moment.
It's like I am that dog who keeps gnawing at the bone with the jagged edge that is also cutting at his mouth.
The baby brother Sammon, is forgoing job at bigcompanyinIndia, and running around getting marksheets attested to go study down under.
I feel like my family is being flung to the far corners of the earth.
And somehow I feel it's the Boy's fault.
wow - writing out loud inner stuff makes me feel less incapacitated.