Random stream of consciousness

the past week and weekend, I have been out every single day with workfriends and others. i think it's the fact that after bizz trip with pustuled pests, i am glad to be back with intelligent beings.
i feel giddy everytime i am at work because after the whole jobless, twiddling thumbs work days i faced and mindless presentations on trips, i finally know place in organization and how decisions of mine affect org's place and that if i ever were to ask oldbossman or oldCEo or any others a question, mindless org tripe would not be fed my way,
and yet,
if i were to be completely honest with myself, i am simply not happy. i am kind of confused by unbloggable things
its like the pieces of my life are not in the right places. and i know i am being a big wimp and whining over things again and again and again and again.
but i simply refuse to get out of angst filled funk by sheer will and determination and all that crap.
why should i?
i mean, yes, like roomie told me, i should try and do it for my mental health.
but really, i don't think i want to bury everything deep down inside. i want to examine this funk and get to a place where i can feel comfortable ejecting it out.
the truth is i can no longer face this loneliness any more, this aching hole left by not being with the boy.
i spent 2 hours on phone with single friend on diff continent who raised interesting points of how i should be sure that even if the boy left, i would be ok on my own, and that my identity should not be defined by boy, etc, etc.
if the boy and i ever broke up, i would be devastated and then i would move on and be fine.
i know that deep down inside because i need people. and much as i love the boy, i simply refuse to be alone and out.
as for my identity - i am still me but a me that's changed by boy's presence in my life. and if the boy and i ever broke up, i would be that changed-by-relationship-me because hell, that would be a waste wouldn't it? if after 5 and 1/2 years later, i am not affected by boy at all?
The point is, right now boy and I are together and yet not. i feel like i am in hibernation without him. and why should i not examine that?
he gets me. i get him. we make each other laugh. why should i not upset by the fact that my best friend is not with me right now?
so, i have made decision to change all this - try and transfer to his state, or failing that, get another job there. or make him come here, which is way more difficult and beside, i like sunnystate better than here.
i want badly to end this post on a light note or a joke but i can't think of anything.
and people who know me in real-life, please, please don't email/phone/IM/talk about this post to me UNLESS you have a blog where you air out your angst too.
I am getting tired of real-life friends (except for BFFs & FFs) bringing up blog based angst that they want to dissect and not being willing to share any of their life angst with me.
Yes, I know i sent you this link because i am a center-of-attention whore but if you are not willing to share your life with me, just read, pass judgment behind my back and move on.
The older I get, the less I feel like getting face-to-face, telephone-to-telephone or IM-to-IM advice, solace and opinions from closeted people with no angst/news/happiness to share of their own.
oh PS: it's an anti-climax, i know (thanks JT) - but boy didn't get his visa. on to plan B.