I have been thinking about many things:
1. One, I am not sure if I want to use the word ' bitchy' in reference to myself or other females anymore.
THe whole Don Imus got me on this.
There was no mistake - He was wrong to have called them what he called them
In the mindless discussions after, a thought that came out was that really, those terms didn't orginate from him and is around popular culture or some such thing.
To which Snoop Dog replied, 'well when we say it in Hip-hop, it comes from our experience'
I wonder if co-opting terms like 'hos' and the n-word really does make it ok.
I am still wondering.
My friend Daen thinks otherwise and her parents, who were children of civil rights, find them offensive even when African Americans use it.
So I am rethinking my use of the term 'bitch','bitchy', 'ho' because god forbid, if any man ever tell me I was being bitchy or otherwise, I would chew him out.
But I use it so often when I talk to the redhead.
Conflicted and still thinking.
2. I got my work visa but the boy still hasn't heard about his.
3. The Boy is really calm and collected but lord is he passive-aggressive, sometimes.
I know I am very passive-aggressive and also aggressive and so on but till this whole visa thing popped up, I didn't realise that boy had components of passive-aggressive nature in him. Or maybe I am just being impatient with him.
Rethinking the whole wedding has been a trial.
The boy is positive he wants to get married but isn't sure now if we can afford to do it this year. Atleast I think that's what he means.
I don't care for the big, or small but classy tasty wedding anymore. I just want to go somewhere with a couple of friends and have a wedding, where tons of pictures are taken. of me.
The Boy wants everything perfect and settled and secure.
Which, I keep telling him, is never going to happen. Life is full of trials etc etc etc.
So there we stand.
My saner self tells me The Boy does not need to be stressed at this time with my reasons why and dramatic rubbish.
But emotionally overactive side keeps putting up mini-dramas where the boy has to confront it over and over again.
And also because I am such a hyperactive drama - queen about this whole wedding business, I have asked the boy for the hundred millionth time if he even loves me.
Thus blackmailing him with the 'well, if you love me, then why the hell don't you want to get married this year' bit.
This drama-queen business is an addiction because though one part of me knows I should be calm and collected and not such a shrew, the other bit in me is like a moth who can't help going to the light one more time and one more time and more and more...
the boy just tells me to relax and wait till we hear news about his visa.
I really do need to stop or go on a vacation, which brings me to
4. I have had an Homevention.
The Amma and the Boy tag teamed during the weekend.
"Mole. Now that you have your work visa, why don't you come down for a month or so before the wedding? It will be so glorious. We can go shopping for clothes and jewellery, spend time, and you can even go see your friends. Besides, it will also be a good time for you to sit down and just talk to your father. And see all your ammachis and appacahans."
The BOy: "I agree with Amma. Maybe, once we find out about my visa, we can decide if you want to go spend some time at home before the wedding. "
"Uhmm..Does that mean we are definetely getting married this year?"
"Sigh. Hopefully."
"What do you mean? Are we or are we not?"
"We are hopefully going to"
"Does that mean that if the visa doesn't come through for you, we are not getting married?"
"Sigh. Baby. Just wait a bit and let's see what this month brings and if I get it or not. Just wait a bit so we can see where we stand on the money. But in the meantime, think about if you have enough vacation days to go home in August."
I do feel like one of those addicts, who have been ambushed into confronting their nastiness, and have been asked to take time out.
I don't mind at all.
The thought of spending a month or so away from everything with my mom and siblings in glorious Dubai and even visiting Kerala sounds perfect.
And just maybe, I will learn to be patient and relax a bit.
10 comments:
congratulations!!!!!!!!!!
...am sure "The Boy" will get his visa and u guys are going to have super-o-super wedding as you dreamed.. :))
I'm sure the boy will get his visa!
I do a (3) so often - almost about every big issue in our life.
Hi Me- I feel for you. Personally, for me,situations where the adrenaline hits the roof so often, used to feel like 'someone's' ambushing me (by emotions, most of the time mine) constantly. This is how I used to feel :)
Do think-a LOT- before you decide to go home. As much as families are a great source of strength, at times their anxiety, for your life, just makes things worse :) The so called break, increases the bloody stress.
Take care, and of course congrats!
-Sunrayz
Thanks Me & Paperback ! I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Akkare - hey, are you ok? I couldn't find your blog. i hope you are ok!
Sunrayz - You know, I thought about what you said about thinking before I decide to go home. I think I have kind of whitewashed home with all the good times but I had forgotten all the stressful times of people constantly asking you things and relatives and sigh. Thanks for reminding me. I have to think this through more deeply.
Regarding point 1, I have to say I still like 'bitch' as it is one of the few names you can call a woman you are annoyed at without bringing her chastity into the picture. ie sl*t, ho, etc..
That's one reason I really hate the word 'bast*rd".
Anything that focuses purely on personality is fine by me.
My $0.02.
M.L.
I hear you on the going back to the flame thing - sometimes it's like I'm standing beside myself and seeing the words come out of my mouth while screaming "Don't say it!!! Don't say it!!"
congrats on the visa, ME. fingers crossed for the Boy.
all the best! Can't bear for young people not to have everything nice.
Incidentally, I agree with Sunrayz. As an ammachy myself, i promise myself I won't ask awkward questions but can't help it coming out of my mouth at least once!!(used to be like that atleast)
I have to say I hate the word "bitch." I know in the past what? ten years, women have been like, "I'm reclaiming the word bitch" or something like that, but I hate it. If someone called me a bitch, even jokingly, I think I would be really bothered. So I don't even use it jokingly. I think if you use a word like that, one that can really hurt if used in anger, even jokingly, then the word is Out There. Out There, floating around in your mouth, ready to be on the tip of your tongue when you are angry, you know?
Jeez, enough rambling, from me, Me! That was like, "My own forty cents" or something, sorry!
Post a Comment