Post Ever After

2012-01-12T23:13:00.000-06:00

The boy loved Kerala & said we were the Irish of India.

Yes, we do love our alcohol

It's my birthday & I'll cry if I want to

2012-01-10T23:01:00.002-06:00

Well, not cry, but just do whatever it is I darntooting want to.

I love birthdays. Specifically mine.

Love them with an feverish energy that is little neurotic.

2012-01-08T02:26:00.002-06:00

Happy New year everybody! Hope this year is the one for everybody, where everything wonderful happens and the un-wonderful things are dealt with in a spectacularly beautiful way.

Giving thanks

2011-11-24T04:50:00.007-06:00

I love this feeling of the year where you can finally say frack it all - those resolutions - they're just not happening.

This is why I love Thanksgiving. It's the perfect time to pause before Christmas and the New Year and look at all that you wrought & what has been wrought unto you and say - it is good & I am glad.

It may not have been what you decided to do in the beginning of the year and you may not have followed the path you wanted to take, but things have been achieved and paths have been taken and people have been met & love has been given & for all that and much more - I am thankful.

Random image to go with my mood:

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T07:57:00.002-06:00

So we are hosting Thanksgiving at our place this year and here's what we are making, via Pinterest.

Can I just take a moment to say how very glad I am that the always early adopter of everything fabulous, Beks, introduced me to Pinterest? Its like Narnia - you enter and then you get lost in its mystical beauty!

Happenings all around

2011-11-21T17:40:00.005-06:00

So, today the business partner & I met with some fine folks who we are trying out for our website/logo & other design works' stuff.

We've been doing the shopping around for designers bit for a while now and today after a long time, we finally came across a group of individuals who, we felt, got our needs.

So, thrilling day all around. Hopefully their estimate will not break our hearts and we'll be well on our way to getting our vision on web.

In other news, the boy & I leave for our Dubai/India trip on December 10th. I am thrilled to show Kerala to him because i feel he will have a great appreciation for the inspiring, verdant beauty that is Kerala. I do feel though that this trip, fun & joyous as it may be, will not be very relaxing.

But, it has been long overdue. So shall be happy that it is happening and not crib.

Catching up

2011-11-20T15:57:00.008-06:00

2011 started with me wanting to write more but I kept wanting to wait till I strung the perfect sequence of words. And then a whole year passed and I was stuck stringing words in my mind and being too hesitant to put them to blog. So bear with the disjointed thoughts that pour out, while I get back into this blogging thing :)

What have I been doing this past year?

2011 was big year of procrastination. I started this year with tons of goals and then somewhere along the way, I got hooked on Korean dramas and lost steam.

Ok - that's an oversimplified explanation.

In 2011 – the boy & I went through some scary phases, from which I don’t think I have fully recovered yet. There were tears and tons of soul searing moments.

And though we patched things up, I had withdrawn so much from our relationship that reentry into it took me a while. We are, slowly making our way back and the boy has been solid in his support and love in helping me.

Enough of the angst!

Things we achieved:

We got our permanent resident cards.

The paperwork was not too cumbersome or this could be what happens when you put so much space between the event and the recapping of it.

I do recall my parents telling me to be thankful I was applying in this century of superinformation rather than when they thought of applying.

So now we are four years away from applying for our citizenship - yeeshk.

You would think having lived in this country for nearly 10 years would count for something. But oh well. We've lived a decade in this country. And I can't remember living in another country that felt more like home.

I think it comes from having led such a transient lifestyle. I don't think Middle Eastern countries lend themselves to giving an expat a secure feeling.

What difference has having a PR made in our lives?

Not much - except being able to travel to Canada without a visa (wOOhoo)

And last month, a work friend and I, after months of research, started our own company.

We have finished our business plan, secured our funding, and are now working with peeps to get our website/logo and other whatnots designed.

So that's what I have been up to. What I haven't been up to is:

Doing the baby thing
Getting healthy

You win some, you lose some, eh?

It's alive

2011-11-18T19:49:00.006-06:00

You think you're ready to break up with somebody and be done with them for the rest of your life.

It's the usual story -

you have grown apart - work, life and shiny pretty others have come in between.

And then one day, you try to reconnect (for old time sake, you tell yourself)

and you have forgotten the password and it really may come to pass that ties have been severed

& you realise you're just not ready to let go.

2011-01-31T22:33:00.005-06:00

So we moved into our new place a week before Christmas and had the best and our first 'married couple' Christmas together

After almost three years of being married, it was very satisfying to finally celebrate a christmas together.

We went for Christmas eve mass downtown, entertained in all manners - house guests, people over Christmas breakfast, lunch and tea.

And went out for lovely drinks and tapas at night and had a generally delightful time.

New Years was a bit quiet after that, but lovely nonetheless.

I then had a b'day which we celebrated by going to the ballet, dinner at a cute Ethiopian place and a failed jaunt in the park.

And when we thought all was quiet and life couldn't get much more content, our lovely green permanent residence cards arrived in the mail.

Oh, what a satisfying January this has been.

It found us

2010-12-10T03:14:00.005-06:00

We had some false starts, some ill advised dalliances, some losing our hearts to fickle structures, but at very last, when we least expected it, you came along & disarmed us completely.

Oh beautiful house - the whole year of searching, and wanting, & hoping was all worth it for you!

Even though we only officially close on the house on Monday, I am too excited not to share.

http://www.visualtour.com/shownp.asp?sk=13&t=2294411&prt=58

2010-12-01T23:21:00.003-06:00

I keep writing & deleting my posts because there is so much going on but we are holding our breath that all goes well.

I love adulthood because unlimited possibilities are just a matter of bucking down and getting to it. But lord, they tag themselves with tons of waiting periods.

Tough as I find marriage, there is nothing that comes close to the joy of knowing that you are part of a unit. One that works together, waits together, struggles together, savors joy together.

In the words of the ever-relevant Take That :)

Hold your head high

Hold on arms open wide

And the world starts to come alive

When you stay close to me

That's right, Take That is always fracking relevant!

2010-11-19T06:44:00.004-06:00

So, after much thrashing around,

& moaning about

& trying to make it all work,

the boy & I sat down and decided it was beyond us to do it all.

The house was getting away from us, the cooking & everything domestic related was just depressing us.

So we searched around & got ourselves names of domestic help.

You know that feeling when you get home and unzip your fav boots that you've been wearing all day. While you love the way you look in it & the power it gave you, nothing comes close to when you wiggle your toes out of them & into a warm foot bath. Oh joy!

That's how we feel after making the decision.

Suddenly the skies were clearer, our minds were freer & all really was beginning to get right with the world.

And now we feel a new joy when we do things domestic because we are not weighed down by the enormity of it all.

Yesterday, we braved the slightly chilly weather :) to do some grilling, and we were buoyed enough to try out a spinach & chickpeas tapas.

Joy, sunshine & kitty kats!

As for work, after my 'whatifIfallflatonmyface' moment, I looked around, did some introspecting, went online and now I am ok.

Yes, this team rather intimidates me.

they are young, and smart and just seem to have it all together.

But like the boy & the besties say - so do we!

Happy smiles & glee!

And

if I were being honest with myself, the reason my other jobs were (a) a breeze is because I had succeeded in the low bars that were set for me & (b) which may be the reason why I never tried at all, or got very far since there wasn't anywhere to get.

So, I shall not be bested by the weird outpourings of my brain.

Moving on.

I love that the new position has given me an excuse to shop.

And have engaging conversations with smart women.

Even though I work in an industry for which personally I have no regard, I am glad we work in the side that has no connection with the nitty grittiness of it. & that I work with women.

There is such an abundance of female leadership in this company that I am surprised they don't get an award for it.

love it! as the new boss says. She sounds a bit Helen Madden, licensed joyologist about it.

I love it! love it! love it!

In my alternate universe, Molly Shannon Tina Fey, Anna Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph, Cheri Oteri, Kristen Wiig, are at it together on SNL

Some introspective yadayadas

2010-11-17T20:55:00.008-06:00

So, you know how I've been walking the fine line @ work between wanting it all & playing it cool.

I don't have to anymore.

Last week, after very hectic travelling to no where fun, I was given the position I coveted with the team I have a work crush on.

J.O.Y.

And then I got introduced to my team. Double Joy.

And I was ecstatic when we rolled out our media plan and all sorts of exciting somethings.

And then I started panicking.

What if my marketing plan turns out a load of crap.

What if social media really is a bunch of junk.

What if...

Gawd,

I feel a bit overwhelmed/out of my depth/like I may have taken on too much.

And then all these doubts assail me.

And things spill out at me from different parts of my life.

Like weird things.

Things that really have no place in my life.

Things like geez - my house is a mess.

We have no food.

My closet is so disorganized.

I don't know if I am doing some weird sort of sabotage

But i have to constantly make myself stop from thinking these silly thoughts when I am at work.

It's like I want everything to be perfect - a neatly organized closet, freshly cleaned house, food that don't stink up my refrigerator

Because though we try & try, we can't seem to get a handle on our house. It just keeps unravelling on us.

Sigh.

I am working on a make-or-break MarCom plan for big boss at work.

And I desperately want it to go well.

But i can't seem to get the data or identify the funding I require and I feel I may be going bonkers. And when the stars do align and I can put my mind to it, other rubbish keeps tumbling in.

Maybe it's that I have never worked this hard in my life.

All my previous jobs have been a bit of a breeze.

And this one really challenges me, and tests me. and Make me want to do so much more than the usual rubbish I put in at work.

I think letting my mind slide on irrelevancies like a messy home feels so very much safer than taking the risk and actually putting my heart/soul/mind/& all other associated shit into work.

sigh.

I am going now to soak in the tub for a while.

2010-10-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

So my pissy mood is past & I don't feel like clawing the boy's face.

I don't think there is anything specific that's annoying me right now just the daily ebb & flow of life. I can't wait for this year to end because it has been a trying one.

We have/and are being blessed but it has come with it's own little fiery lessons. We are doing lots of growing up and I am learning to not always be the entitled tantrum thrower that I have been through most of our relationship.

For now - our mantra is to ignore the irritants, embrace the loveliness, take long hot baths & go for lovely long spa dates.

2010-10-26T20:37:00.004-05:00

You know how I was waxing eloquent abou the boy in the last post,

.uGh. I am over that.

At the moment I am waning fulgy. Idiot. He should really try & leave me alone.

2010-10-23T16:06:00.005-05:00

So the past week went by in a blur because all I did was travel for work.

I love this phase where I am learning & being challenged at work. And I can't wait to know enough so i can be put in charge.

It's been forever since I have felt this kind of passion / competitive spirit for a job/trade/knowledge.

List of things that are hard to deal with in the work life:

walking the balance between wanting it & playing it cool
stopping my eyes from rolling or my expressions from being condescending or my words from being patronizing when silliness invades my space
playing down the whole overcompensating on the being nice thing because I know i am brash & harsh at times
counting my chickens before they hatch
stopping myself from jumping for joy when I meet a funny someone or a sarcastic someone or just someone who gets my jokes at work - (oh secret work friend group, you are SO coming together!)

One thing that makes all of the above easy to deal with

Having the boy, who is far smarter/cooler/intelligent than I give him credit for.

2010-10-17T10:59:00.007-05:00

This weekend has been all about just unwinding.

On Saturday

After doing our grocery, the boy shuffled off to his pool tournaments & I spent all day watching Buffy & Veronica Mars & Daria.

Which makes me wonder why we don't have sassy female shows anymore?

Whatever happened to all the delicious pithy Juno-ish dialogues that peppered these shows?

& the wild boys that these sassy women fall for & the words that follow after, i so miss it!

On Sunday,

the boy & I had our Sunday brunch. These brunches go so much smoother in my mind than in real life.

First, there's the actual making of them, then there's the never ending debate over music (the boy being a non-morning person & me being a HALLELUJAH IT'S.MORNING. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT??? person - caps & all), but in the midst of all that fussing & tantrums, tenderness & laughs erupt.

& We walk away with smiles.

Grouse though I do about marriage, it's moments like these that gladden my heart :)

I'd like to vacuum seal them to air them later for a smile.

2010-10-16T11:13:00.007-05:00

On a work trip, I had a chance to spent copious amounts of time with myself & it hit me how old I was getting.

There is the physical aspect of it - the feeling tired sooner bit.

But the thing that hits me hardest is how the older i get, the more angsted out I get about taking chances.

I have become cautious.

And it irks me to no end.

Even in this blog.

I am averse now to let it all hang out.

Because I find myself thinking of what the group of blog peeps I have befriended over the years might make of me.

And this sort of caution creeps in to the most inane of things.

I ran into a potential work friend at Costco today.

I am so into her. She has all the attributes that would make an awesome work buddy. She is vivacious, would so fit into a secret group I am creating at work.

And the most qualifying things - she travels for work too & has bum ovaries. Ha!

So if we ever run out of stuff to talk about, we have two topics to fall back on :)

Anyhoo, we both did the HEY YOU thing and then simultaneously went into explanation mode:

She was there shopping for a 'Beer & Diapers' party her husband was going to

I was there shopping for a tailgating thing we are going to.

And then we both stepped back, grinned, and launched into other stuff and hugged each other good bye and joined the spouses.

Several things:

Obviously, neither of us wanted to be thought of as a Costco shopper. At a very base level, it makes me feel suburban & slightly un-well off.
I am werided out that I am that shallow & that I have all these hang ups.
So when we were unloading our 'NON-TAILGATING' items into the car, I decided I'd live my life with a little more dignified honesty & not as if I was cautiously trying to hold on to some faux-Kept-up-with-Joneses crown.

Ok, enough of that, here's a little video that made me smile:

Oh India, you still do so cling to me

2010-10-02T19:33:00.002-05:00

I have been to a therapist,

which may not be the complete reason I think I am riding a crest.

I think it's a series of changes I/we are trying to institute in our lives.

I was listening the other day to World Have Your Say & it was about this study in the U.K which talks about how people are hitting mid life crisis earlier & earlier in life.

And it set me thinking - I am in a funk, no doubt about it.

But it may not be the tragedy i think it is.

I am v.self-involved.

But I am learning to not be so consciously guilt ridden about it.

True, I am still yearning for things.

But what I hate more than the yearning stage is the faux-helpless not doing anything about it stage.

I think i was indulging myself into such a vortex that it took even doing something minor like going to a therapist and hearing myself talk on the couch for me to realize that OMG the probs are work-through-able!

And the tiny steps - going out with friends, having dinner out with the bOy, talking to the besties, thinking outside of me, and indulging in work related stuff - made me realize while yes, I am going through hard times, it hasn't defeated me.

And so I am putting away my sad boots and wearing my I-can-fracking-d o-this boots.

2010-09-26T06:19:00.003-05:00

I sound bipolar but how can you not be happy on a day like today? When the BFF & absolute soul mate M.L's progeny has arrived!!!

Am i excited that this woman who has been my rock through college, the intervening years of lost shenanigans, and across continents is now a mother?

HECK YES i am!

2010-09-06T10:04:00.004-05:00

Fuck it.
Let me just dispense with all the euphemisms and say it:
i think i may be depressed.
Not in the 'I am so bored, I may be depressed' but in the 'i need therapy' depressed.
I think i realized it on Friday, when the boss called me in to ask me if i was interested in a new promotion.
It would mean more interesting projects, better pay, better insurance, and all that jazz.
But while I faked enthusiasm, I felt neither elation, nor happiness or anything in between.
The only time I felt even the slightest bit of emotion was the fact that better insurance would cover more fertility treatments.
What I hate about being infertile is the complete lack of control i have over how it makes me feel.

And the treatment I take does not help any.

And the bro-in-law being here does not help any. But I suspect a part of my frustration with that arrangement might be transference of other annoyances I can't handle.

Like the fact that I am also quite seriously annoyed @ myself for teaching myself to become a chronic procrastinator.

I have become so bad that yesterday i spent time reading Psychology Today on what makes a person procrastinate while I was procrastinating.

.geez.

Maybe I am not so depressed as I am annoyed at my inability to be cheerful, to look on the bright things in life and strive for the rainbow that is hiding in each one of us.

or some jazz like that.

Dear God, Trust this finds you in good cheer. Just wanted to let you know I am so tired of waiting. If you don't mind, I'd like this walk in the desert to reach some sort of oasis. Love ya! ps: please don't use this prayer upward to teach me a lesson a la Daniel & the lion's cave style. Don't know if I'd fare well.

I can feel a tiny bit of me uncoiling now that I have thrown this bit out there. Thank you cyberworld.

Pretty things I've been spending my time with

2010-09-05T20:31:00.011-05:00

I adore hand drawn cartoons. They make smile so, which is why I spent today afternoon curled, re-watching these

Sometimes my heart gets so tickled by aesthetic gorgeousness that I feel the need to get into a small badger hole a la Wind in The Willows style & fill it to the brim with pretty things i love. I love the idea of being surrounded, in a visual & tactile sense, by beauty. I suspect I might be tiny bit claustrophilic.

2010-09-01T21:10:00.014-05:00

I used to be able to spill my angst with such ease here but now feel so very inhibited.

And then I read Beks' little post on finding friends & I suddenly remembered what catharsis there is in finding a 'you too?' post.

Which reminds me of C.S.Lewis & of the wonderful, wonderful email M.L sent which was so full of delicious tidbits. & then I think of A.D & our wonderful daily talks that sustains me every day & then I think of R.P & then it makes me think of work & how I fretted for half an hour there on why I was debating myself on whether I may have undiagnosed ADD.

So to prevent the further disintegration of my attention, here's a organized list of happenings.

Good Happenings:

Maybe if i persist, it will come.
Ok, 1) my sis & I now have a relationship. It's hard being part of a trio, where you get along better with one member more than the other. And even while i was in India helping her out during the c phase, i was bemoaning the whole lack of relationship. And in the midst of it all, something broke open and a genuine bond was forged. It could also have a lot to do with the boy's brother being a semi-permanent resident @ my home. I understand that friendship borne of comparison may not be a great starting point, but I think my sister's vivaciousness & tenacity stands out in sharp relief against the boy's brother's understated presence. And every day, in many little ways, I am discovering more of her.
I got a mac for the anniversary gift. Which was a complete & delightful surprise.
And I also got my long lost love in an upgraded form - the lovely & beautiful Yarris! No other car fits me like this does. No other car makes me purr with satisfaction like this does. It just gets me so well.
I still love the boy. Despite in-laws and various other annoyances.
I still have a job.
The besties (save the lovely m.L) & I reaffirmed US (not the country but us - I think old age has acerbated my anal retentiveness) in a glorious, filled with joy & love trip to NYC, where we walked 10 blocks talking and stayed up the whole night talking around the city & the light of day found us @ Times Square, still spry enough to take silly pics, after which we headed back to our hotel, jumped in the shower, walked to Central Park, breakfasted on deliciousness there and talked some more in the beautiful loveliness. I am humbled and grateful for the 15 yr history I share with these strong women.
The lovely M.L. is pregnant. And I am so immensely happy for her. I can't think of any other soul who has such calm sense & such rib tickling wit & intelligence than this lady. And I can not wait for her lovely little progeny to meet her. He has such a wonderful life ahead of him with her as his mom.
Our dreams are slowly edging towards fruition.

Bad Happenings

Our dreams (3 to be exact - a dream house in short sale (is there a worse misnomer???), silly eggs in ill-functioning organs, cautiously moving administration) are slowly edging towards fruition. How slowly? So-slowly-that-it-barely-registers-as-a-motion- slowly!
I get crabbier by the day @ annoying perkiness. The perkiness that comes from having read the Secret, the ones that go around visualizing happy thoughts & thinking positively.

Perky Secret Lovers - here's a little secret - you should go frack yourself!

Your unsolicited DeepakChopraRubbishDisguisedasSpirtualism BS is why I projectile snark & scream! Get off my lawn 'cause clearly the girl who would take that well-intentioned but clearly misdirected aid lives next door. Here lives the soul of curmudgeonly, foul mouthed, Hmpfing @ the happiness of others, OscarTheGrouch loving (even-@ the wee age of 7) grumbler!
Uhmm...that's it

I tread slightly more lightly. Thank you to the ever talented Beks for her lovely little post that made it so!

2010-07-16T23:11:00.006-05:00

Over the fourth of July, the boy & I headed to Hilton Head Island in SC for some much needed R&R. Traveling for work, while always entertaining, has given us v.little space for quality time.

Things we did in Hilton Head:

Nothing.

Maybe a mimosa or two & egg Benedicts in patios built around oak trees.

Cold beers

and then nothing again :),

other than posing nonchalantly for pics.

2010-06-04T19:46:00.020-05:00

Recently my life seems to be dominated by my wants. There is a special something (actually two special somethings) that I want so badly, one more than the other. Everyday in every way I can't wait for the realization of these hopes and the only thing that gets me through hurdles to these goals is my kind, wonderfully patient boy & grace from above.

Things we have been doing in the midst of these yearnings:

trying out new restaurants (including this lovely one by the waterfront that we only found because of groupon - thanks AD) and finally finding our very fav tapas place & then being inspired to make our own for a dinner party
heading for movies at the beach - I eventually intend to move out of Jax and somewhere closer to M.L & A.D, in a bigger town, reminiscent of the places I grew up in but absolutely nothing will persuade me to ever live in land locked states again. I love the feel of people sitting in the grass on beach blankets and chairs with the ocean roaring beside them & Tom Cruise up on the screen in front of them
a month ago, we got some pretty fantastic news which we are hoping will come to brilliant fruition. It makes me MORE (much much more) appreciative of the Boy for his patience and positivity, for there were plenty of times I have given up but he has very nonchalantly kept on. I love that good relationships age well as time goes by and how my love is more filled with awe for the boy now than it has ever been before.
we are waiting anxiously for yet another iron we have in the fire and the stress has been getting to me in many, many ways. I am learning to be more gracefully patient and that's all I can say.
I learnt a new term 'working relationship' viz-a-viz in-laws and want to thank Hill Grandmom for it. Which I find much more appropriate regarding my situation than the terms 'good' relationship, which I find irksome because I don't quite know what it means. My in-laws & I have a working relationship. They now respect the boundaries I set for them. And I like to think I exhibit more grace in my dealings with them.
We are slowly branching out socially and finding friends, who share our interests. Some non-desi and some desi. A.D and I are of the opinion that smaller town/cities of America seem to attract more people from smaller desi towns. And I am saying it here, there is a problem with small towns, desi or otherwise, because of the inherent homogeneity that is their lot. They appear to be claustrophobic, parochial and offer their children no avenue for growth or exposure, unless one is wealthy. The middle class simply remains stagnant (in their world views) which is why children of middle class small towners moving out of their towns, find all manner of things exciting and yet exhibit extreme insularity in their dealings with different others. Yes, this is a sweeping judgement call. But really, I am tired of running across provincial twerps (desi & otherwise) who ask the silliest questions and exhibit the most obnoxious behavior when confronted by live-in relationships, sex before marriage, inter-religious couples, inter-cultural couples, divorces, being single, and so on and so forth. As always, there are exceptions to the rule but honestly I haven't come across any. I hope I will in the future.
I saw some off-the beaten track movies - The Last Station, The Young Victoria, The Ghost Writer, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, among others with my film club and I love having a group of people with whom I can go out to see indie movies & talk over dinner. It is such joy. I started with the group when I was unemployed because I desperately wanted to find something to do outside the house that was apart from the Boy. And now I have a book club, a film club and writing club and I couldn't be happier being occupied.
In an effort to find things to do together because we have become quite adept at finding our niche outside of the relationship, the boy and I started working out together and bought bikes to ride around in the beach. We are making progress. V.Slowly. We have also realized that what with both working, we are finding less and less time for each other. So we make it a point to either have breakfast, lunch or coffee break together. & also instituted a 20 minute rule for each day where all we do is be with each other, without TV, Laptop or cell phone. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we walk, sometimes we ride around on our bikes.

Also recently, I have been thinking a lot of all the kind people who reached out to me when my sister was ill and I wanted to send out a cyber hello to them. I hope you are all well and in good health. Your kindness and grace touched me more than I can let on. Stay well and know that you are in my family's thoughts always.

2010-05-22T10:23:00.005-05:00

It's 11 in the am here in sunny Florida.

I have just finished reading yet another chapter of random mystery by P.D James & am now browsing with the Raiders of the Lost Ark playing in the background.

The house is quiet except for Harrison Ford going on about what a cautious fellow he is.

It is a beautiful day and I am so thankful and grateful to be here in this moment.

We are busy. Thank God. Our professional lives are going well & keeping us adequately busy. & as for our personal lives, we are learning to wait patiently & enjoy the moment while the things we have set into motion are awaiting fruition.

we have been learning more about each other, enjoying the quiet moments we have to each other, and learning to live our lives in the midst of happenings.

we spent an evening downtown watching the Alvin Ailey Dance Company and I found myself getting irked at the interpretative performance of one of the movements. It was such a surprising reaction. My mind kept looking for conformity in the movements. And needed to find an obvious reason behind the movements. So much so that, I was ready to call it quits after the intermission. But I am glad I prevailed because after the intermission, the jazz music was replaced by old, old African American gospel music with movements my mind could recognise and relax with. My absolute favorite was the Fix Me, Jesus number & the boy's was

It is now a truth that everyday, I not only become more like my father but am more accepting about the fact.

I hope your months and days have been as filled with joy, peace and angsty, revelatory insights.

Things I am learning

2010-04-14T20:28:00.027-05:00

I was in middleAmerica this weekend to meet the boy's folks for the very first time.

There was a time when I was planing my wedding, when people talked of how all they had to do for their wedding was simply show up.

And a tiny part of me sighed.

I loved planning every detail of my wedding, down to the tablecloth and centerpiece and flowers and everything in between.

But the tiny-part-of-me-that-sighs wished we had some help, in the form of relis.

After this weekend, I want to kick the ass off of that tiny part of me.

Because, & I want to make sure I get this right,

I can not imagine a worse fate than having somebody choose for me or someone else's opinion and taste shoved down on me.

Let me say that again so my subconscious never, ever forgets it:

There is nothing worse for me than to have to even listen to somebody expound on anything remotely concerned with my life.

This weekend, I was charming, made conversation with old grandmother with stern expression while wearing short dresses, making conversations with the interesting uncles, ignoring the boring aunties, and answering the kids' curiosity about my heritage.

This weekend, I think the boy & I made progress on our relationship. This is such an ongoing process that I need to put this in writing, in order to learn from it.

Things we learnt/realized/discussed:

I will not be changing any part of me (even the irrelevant parts) or pretending to, to please anybody in his family. I am entitled to this not just because I have been generous enough to share my house with his family, but because why would he want a lesser me than he is used to? The boy's family physical proximity makes it tougher on me to keep up appearances. Example -- Say, the boy pretends to like sweet stuff when he obviously doesn't to please my family. That's fine when my family lives thousands of miles away and he sees them once a year. Not so for me. I would have to pretend longer and harder and more often.
The only way I will survive this is to be myself. The ME that is polite, knows-how-to-act-in-society person but who also knows how to express herself.
The boy is never, ever going to understand the infinitesimal assumptions that are expected for the woman to perform with in-laws.

For instance, the boy's mother took me aside and asked if I would do my hair in a particular way for the party.

I can't imagine my parents ever asking the boy this. Or any other situation where the boy would be asked by my family his choice of wardrobe. But I am given suggestions because of my gender??? And please, don't tell me this is a bonding thing.

Because a) if this is what you think of as bonding, why even bother? We are of two, completely different sorts and are never going to even see eye to eye. So why this false pretense?

b) Why do we have to bond? Is it not enough that we peacefully co-exist? I just do not have it in me to want to accept any more people. I mean, you have to accept your family's quirks and such but you've had 30 or so years to get around to it.

Why must I be subjected to go through the charade of bonding, especially since I am subjected to the whole living with them? I mean, doesn't the very fact that I have invited you into my house exempt me from the act of pretend bonding? (which I would have attempted if I was interacting with you for limited time over vacations)

Why would anybody assume they can tell me what to do with my hair or any other part of me when they have known me for less than a month????

I smiled and told her no. I very firmly put aside the hair style her sisters had chosen for me.

It is not that I do not know how to handle these situations but I am flummoxed that in today's day & age, any person would even think of going there. What gives you the right to even suggest anything to me? I am but a stranger who happens to have married your son.

I asked the boy to trust that I will always be polite and kind to his mother but I need to keep nipping in the bud this need of everybody and anybody to make me conform to his family, even aesthetically.
We discussed this long and hard, with several 'it's only for this weekend' pleas thrown in.
I did compromise for one evening where what was wrought on me aesthetically was so un-like my style that none of the boy's family has even showed me the pics, since my countenance made it quite plain what I thought of the whole charade. The boy's family can't place me - for I am polite and nice but I am so obviously not the acquiescing kind. Their permanent expression when I am around seem to be puzzled smiles. Which is fine by me.
The boy stood up for me many, many times this weekend. And I think it's time I finally forgive him for the many things I hold over him regarding the past.
I love the boy. But when it comes to family, we each look out for our own family. Especially for the boy, who is haunted by the spectre of a dead, cancer-ridden father whose demise he was not there to help with. He feels, quite rightly, that he owes his mother a lot.
I understand this & also understand the fact that for now, the boy's mother & brother have no other recourse but to live with us.
But like I told the boy, for our relationship to survive without resentment, we need to understand that we can't be pushed beyond our nature.
For me, it means he accepts that I being given a wide berth in EVERYTHING. I am extremely picky and selective about everything. I have strong opinions on everything under the sun and will not concede this to please anybody. Like I said, this isn't something you should be surprised by.
For him, it means I accept that his idea of taking care of his widowed mom means actually having her live with her children for the rest of her life. Thankfully, she has three children and our time will be reduced in the future to having her with us for 2 months out of a year. The dissonance for me is that my parents and even grandparents are such firm believers of independent living. My 75 year old grandmother, even at this age, refuses to live with her children. She has consented, after much haranguing. to live next to them but that's as far as she will go.
I have realized while I love the boy very, very much, it does not even come close to how much I value my will, my independence and my personality.

This weekend, I realized that

being me and being strong is such a part of me that it's the default character trait I go to in any situation.

that I was thankful for my family & for my soul sister AD.

& that I have became more tolerant of all those who had/have to fight to make themselves look like themselves during any times that have involved relatives.

And finally, I take comfort in Anais Nin:

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.”

The first lady of lesbianism

2010-04-07T10:33:00.016-05:00

I was saddened to read that Martina Navratilova has breast cancer.

Before Jane Lynch, before Ellen, before Melissa Etheridge, there was Martina.

I can very often remember the exact moment when I found a new word. Like the first time I heard the word lethargic was the first time I met my aunt from Germany or the first time I realized what an aquline nose was, was the first time I was allowed to sit in the aisle seat in a plane and on and on.

For me, the words 'gay' & 'homosexual' are inexorably linked to Martina Navratilova. I remember looking up the word 'lesbian' at 10 when they had written it under a caption of her and remember being jolted with what it meant. It fascinated me & friends & I discussed it for days on end.

I guess growing up desi in the Middle East, the understanding of Martina's choice showed that differences & choices exist, even in what I had thought of till then as basic truths - men and women came together and that was all there was to it.

I know friends who say that Ricky Martin coming out is not such a big deal because it was rather obvious all along. But it is still significant for some child out there who lives in a place where conformity rules. Where he or she doesn't know any better and is going through life thinking the choices that have been made around them are all the choices that's out there in the world.

2010-03-19T09:43:00.026-06:00

Life is good.

I have been trying to deal with a lot of new experiences over the past month & I am learning that, despite all extraneous appearances, my Life is intrinsically good, & to be lived, and not to be whined away.

Happenings!!: My in-laws moved in with us.

Can there be anything more clichedly spirit crushing than that statement? It is so decidedly what I NEVER wanted from my life. But the Green Card they applied for a zillion years ago when the boy was a young un, was finally approved & yadadayada, they are here, with the teenage brother-in-law going to school here and the mother-in-law waiting out the howmanyeveryears it will take to get her citizenship.

They are nice people. I am yet to be bothered by any of the irritations that are normally associated with situations like this.
Except for the annoyance of having to share my space, and any kind of small talk I can muster up and my husband, I am as I was before - doing my own thing.

It has been 3 weeks and we have made arrangements where we carve time for ourselves, for our personal outings, for long walks, for our friends, and time for me.

However, I find myself wasting so much time resenting their physical (almost permanent for now) presence in my life, the allowances I must make on our time to entertain them, and the fact that I am too young to have semi-permanent guests move in with us.
I expected as both sets of parents got older, for us to share the responsibility of having them live with us. But did not expect it to come so soon. And on & on I went. And obviously, I would have been vastly more comfortable had it been my own parents.

And then LIFE & my higher power evened things out:
For, after almost two years of trying, I have finally found a permanent, actual 9 to 5 JOB!,
where I must dress up, get out, and go to work analysing and researching data and traveling and organizing and meeting and talking and doing all manners of work for a very smartly dressed woman, in a giant corporation, with a severely short but amazingly chic hair & nose ring that I covet.
Talk about perfect timing & me finally being ready to want it bad enough!!!

So, to put an end to my whining, I have made a list of how I am going to live my life with individual joy (with regards to this particular situation)
because really, I am of the strong opinion, that I must learn to deal with this situation rationally and not whine it away. For I have a sneaking suspicion that if I don't, some other visitation is going to come upon me to ensure that I learn the life lesson I was supposed to the first time around.

I will accept (finally) that they will be with us for at least 4-5 years, till they get their citizenship. Or at least the mother will. And she will return on vacations to visit. I may never be happy about it but I will, at the very least, remember the boy has a responsibility to his widowed mom.
My first priority is to myself and the boy. Part of that means I will stop complaining so violently and not suffer so loudly to the patient, saint of a Boy.
Even when we argue, I will try and not keep the grudge or examine it so minutely. For time is precious and I don't want to waste it being resentful.
I will make the choice to be joyful & not waste time on the negativity of it all.
I will not be bogged down by other people's opinion & judgment. Everybody has a right to their opinion, however idiotic they may be.
I have nipped in the bud Boy's nonsensical farce of trying to make me do things that will endear me to his folks. Now is the time to stop raising my eyebrows so v.much, & to stop telling him - you brought this on us, you deal with it!. Now is the time to be more gracious, & to be more gentle with him. For in-laws have clearly understood that I am not a wallflower who will recede gently into the background nor am the acquiescing kind who will suffer other's opinions (minuscule as it maybe) of how anything in my house will be run.
I shall not be afraid that my personality or my life will run away from me because there are others living in my life. It may happen or it may not but I am strong enough, and have the adequate support system to deal with whatever happens.

Thanks AT&T for introducing me to Lou Reed

2010-03-02T18:23:00.002-06:00

2010-02-08T20:44:00.008-06:00

I have bum ovaries!

I think I said it before but then chickened out and erased it.

But now, I am keeping it.

Like all painful, secret things, it doesn't feel so big once it's out.

We have been trying for a short while but hoping for a very long while.

Most days, I am pretty nonchalantly strong & hopeful & positive about it all. My mother who got pregnant for the first time in her 30s too tells me to just be patient & stop angsting. My father, unembarrassingly enough, has been very needful of my emotional pain & tells me he understands how badly I need this [Side note: The older they get, the more the roles they used to play are being reversed. My dad, who was always the prosaic one, is now the one who tends to our feelings whereas my mom has become the pragmatic one & tells us to get up & get going already!]

Today, I am too painfully wracked to get going. The onset of every period is so heartbreaking. & It feels like we will never be pregnant.

Oh Samuel Beckett give me strength:

"All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

If any of you know of blogs with similar struggle, do point me in the right direction.

Edited to Add:
The boy's Kitchiri (is there a better Bengali dish than that) with random gravy, with a little pickle & Aziz Ansari riffing it up (don't you love that he doesn't go where every post-Russel Peters desi comic goes - to the homeland jokes?) makes me smile again.

Who dat, who dat, who dat, who dat say they just won the Super Bowl?

2010-02-07T21:41:00.001-06:00

2010-02-01T22:04:00.004-06:00

Things I miss about summer

watching movies by the grand old oak tree @ the park
enjoying wine by the beach, listening to the Symphony peeps
camping out on the various islands by the beach
swimming in the salt water
showing off my Alice in Wonderland nail polish in my flip flops
feeling the sun!!!

It's no fun putting up with a cold front in Florida. I want my cold fronts with snow or not at all (ok...but not with the slush or black ice)

Let's talk about it

2010-01-26T12:22:00.008-06:00

It's Republic Day 2010, Indian style and my FB is awash with jingoistic statuses that run the gamut from

"For those who envy and eye my country be informed do not misunderstand our patience to be our weakness as if it erupts our lava would engulf you on a whole leaving no room for sympathy"
to
"India rocks....a country where " Ali's are part of every "Diw-Ali" and Ram are part of each " Ram-zan", which is not so much chauvinistic as it is an assault on my syntactic taste.

My thoughts on Republic day are while I love being Indian, I don't think I'd love being (on a permanent basis) in India.

Other epiphanies I have had:

It shall be 8 years tomorrow since the boy & I first went a dating. Which means we have been having sex for 7.5 years. That makes me pause. And makes me ease up on us on the days when our love making is not all that it should be. Over the years, I have become less belligerent on the off-times when I do not climax the way I love to. I am also learning to be more giving and not take as much. Thank you boy for hanging in there with me.

My in-laws (the mother and brother part of them) got their GC & are arriving on the 13th for a visit. They shall be with us for 3 weeks or so, then off to the boy's grandmom's place, the boy's sister's place and sundry other relatives' place. And then back with us. The boy & I decided to have the brother (who will be going to school here) stay with us for a year till he gets his footing in the country.

Initially, I resented the interruption this would create in my life. But now I have made my peace with it. The boy's mother seems extremely non-intrusive and quiet and it helps enormously that she and I speak only the bare minimum of each other's language. Judging by the exquisitely detailed salwars she sent me, I think she has a fine taste and very generous heart. A lot of smiles and a lot of gestures and I hope we shall be good to go.
My mom is extremely worried that I will besmirch her name by being myself (at least the bratty version of myself I am at home) with the in-laws. But I think I have this under control. The boy & I are getting the house ready, preparing a menu so we shall not be panic driven and I have the support system of boy, M.L. and A.D and my sibs to moan to when needed.

Note: My friends and I have been genuinely befuddled when people go into raptures upon in-laws visiting. All of us have very innocuous in-laws & yet the idea of people other than the spouse living with us gives us claustrophobia. I guess it's because an in-law is essentially a very unnaturally forced relationship. Yes, your natural born family is also a group thrust on you by genetics. But at least with them you have a shared history, and with whom you can yell and scream and generally looked bored if you want to. It's the freedom to be the grumpy you, if you wish to, that I love about family. With in-laws, you have people who are allowed to cut in front of others, skip the getting to know phase and be immediately 'related'.
Maybe, this is just the 'meeting them for the first time' jitters. Oh well, here's hoping the visit goes off drama-free.

We have been house hunting, very slowly & are on house no.12 now. We have learnt much & are thankful for our Realtor, who has been most insightfully brilliant. I am also hugely indebted to the process because for once, the boy has things he wants. Most often, our life is about what I want. Because the boy is un-beholden to desires and wants (yes v.much like Buddha), that he goes along & enjoys whatever it is I plan [except for his pool, which is sacrosanct]. We are enjoying the process so much, that I fear we may never make our mind. I suppose it is a far, far better thing to dream and plan where you might live than to have to live in an actual place, where mortgage must be paid.

That's all :)

2010-01-24T23:32:00.020-06:00

As part of my new year's resolution to 'not stay in my corner of the forest', we volunteered at a Soup kitchen over the weekend and it was the most disquieting experiences of my life.
(Yes, 'our' life does revolve around 'my' resolutions & thoughts)

You know that cliche about serving others being exhilarating.
Yeah, it wasn't so. I mean, I was glad I was there but all I wanted to do after was take a nice, long scouring shower. And throw up. Which I did.

So many things I didn't take into account:

when you think of volunteering at a soup kitchen, you don't quite realize how filled with the nitty-gritty the process is.
you also don't realize that, irrespective of social circumstance, people can & do treat each other with dignity and grace. It was like I was in a play where manners ruled.
I wasn't quite ready to see the drastically desperate situation of others.
& definitely wasn't prepared for how it could unbalance my soul's equilibrium

I also didn't realize there were so very many homeless or poverty stricken people in Jacksonville. Our soup kitchen saw about 508 customers on this Saturday & we are just one of many kitchens operating in this area. It's not because I am some sort of rose coloured * spectacle-wearing ingenue, it's just that in India the poor are so much more visible.

* (does anybody else feel, every once in a while, like inserting the spelling you were born into, just so that you don't totally forget it?)

Jacksonville is a fairly midsize city but I have only ever come across people asking for change once or twice.
So it struck me in a harsh way to realize there were about 508 people in my city who were in such need.

You know that phrase 'There but for the grace of God'. It just feels wrong now. Because what does it mean? That grace was kept away from others? But, Why?
And it even seems wrong to say 'we were blessed' because why would God / or whoever you believe in keep blessings away from others but select you/us for it.

So, volunteering at soup kitchen was not glamorous, not uplifting, did not have earth shattering consequences & makes me socially useless the rest of the day. & makes me want to overindulge on glam pretty bright tv for the rest of the day.
But it's one of those things that I think I have to keep doing because god, sometimes you have to get out and do rather than think good deeds.

Since I am on a do-gooding roll, Haiti still needs help.

That's the other thing about volunteering. Even doing an afternoon of it feeds my smugness to unbearable limits.
I think the boy is a better human than I for he volunteered, made friends and went about his day after with nary a thought on what a great human he is.

Edited to add:
Completely unrelated to altruism : But whilst (aha!) @ the Soup Kitchen, I was befriended by a couple of college grads who thought I was 23. Thank you kind parents for your wonderful genes and for teaching me how to moisturize.

32nd b'day

2010-01-12T12:36:00.006-06:00

I love my b'day.
There's nothing about having a day where you are IT, where everything is all about you that makes you want to get up and bubble over.

Things I want to remember forever about this b'day:

My dad's superfunny story of the shoddily arranged function he was forced to attend in Kerala and how gungho he was about complaining at said forum and how he dashed back home to write letter of complaint, all of which made the genetic code in my body tingle because we are that alike.
My brother's song in a voicemail of a very literal malayalam translation of Happy Birthday kiddo (Santosham Janamadinam Kuttika), which was repeated ad hilarioum.
My sister and my mom stories of fun stuff.
The M.L's thoughtful gift of one lovely thing about why I was born sent to me every day for an entire week. She paints me in a way that makes me want to be better.
The A.D & J.V staying up till midnight to wish me.
The R.P & so very many other friends' little emails.

I am super blessed to have these people in my life who ground me and center me. Who know where I come from & what I am about, who have seen me grow, and who know all my contexts. & for whom, I shall always hope & strive.

And finally, the boy.
Sigh the boy. The boy has such a spotty record with b'day but Bless his embellishing heart, he tries so!!!
After very many failed attempts at gift giving (including one year where I got a fog machine and another where I got a chocolate fountain, which "babe also turns into a drinks fountain, come ON - how can you not like that??" and yet another where I got a 4 foot stuffed panda or teddy, all of which were returned, sold or abandoned), I wasn't very sure what to expect. I made multiple threats and threw multiple tantrums to ensure the boy looked at my wish list site at least once every day.

After a very wonderful dinner at a lovely high ceilinged, chandelier draped (can you tell we've been house hunting?) Italian restaurant where the gnocchi in truffle sauce, the mussels, the salad, the tiny lemon cookies were all lipsmackingly brilliant, I was given multiple gifts - all lovely and very technology driven from Sephora & Apple. We got home, popped in Seven Samurai in the wonderful DVD player that A.D & her boy sent us and revelled in us.

All I can say is thank you boy.
Though you did do your very unique brand of creative thinking, I do love my gifts. Much more than that, I love you. I am glad to have you and know that with you, I am completely, uninhibitedly myself.

New Year Thoughts

2009-12-23T17:04:00.022-06:00

There have been so many things I have been pondering on during this season.

This year, while infinitely better than the last, has been a slow one for us. Or for me. The best way I can put it is that I have been slowly retreating into my cave of old acquaintances, old friends, fluffing myself with memories from the past and putting on layers & layers of insulation (both metaphorically & literally) against new experiences & new people. It's like I took a sabbatical from life, holding on, rather violently, to the past - both the glories & the nadir of it ALL.

Here were my Resolutions 2009

Weight - this is two folds

By August 15, lose 30 pounds.
By December 30, lose another 20 pounds,

Run a 10 K
Observe the Lent
Begin work on my food blog
By August 15, I will make head way on the rsch I was supposed to write

Head way = fleshing out the outline, deciding on the chapters, writing out half the chapters

By October, make sure our immigration stuff is taken care of

Resolutions 2009 I kept

1. ah, no!
2. walked/ran a 5k but pschew!, I am so far behind now that I am apprehensive about even attempting to do the training program but again, never mind - Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
3. Done!!!
4. Done but now sadly waylaid
5. not done & completely ignored
6. Done & doing
Kept unwritten resos like sending out Christmas cards (first ever!) & being nicer to the boy

Resolutions 2010

To try, try and try to Not stay in my corner of the forest, waiting for opportunities, people & life to come to me, to the point that I go to bed exhausted from trying to not stay in my corner
To surround myself with more beauty
To be more tolerant of others
Edited to add on Jan 24 : To use the word 'whilst' instead of 'while' because really, whilst just sounds more pretty, doesn't it?

Like Sita says, that's all.

Have a brilliant New Year all!!!

Forgotten things of love

2009-12-20T13:16:00.011-06:00

So recently (like yesterday), I got hooked on Goodreads & have been prowling about the site, taking part in many splendored lists like their Best Book Titles.
For me, it is undoubtedly Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (I think sometimes, I almost get a lady erection when I think of that title - it's such pure, flawless genius )
& then hidden in the list was The Effect of Gama Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds, a play I read mainly because it was written by Paul Zindel.

Ah, Paul Zindel.

You know how when you are a teenager & you chance upon something that none of your friends are into, & not matter how geeky or cool it is, that something becomes your special thing.
It's like finding a secret garden that you would like to invite your friends into, but you don't because you are afraid they'll want to stay.
And much as you love them, you don't want them to because it's the one place where you can enjoy being the only one of your kind in the whole world.
That's what it was like with Paul Zendel.
I chanced upon Paul Zendel in some low ceilinged attic like place of a secondhand book store in Bahrain.
His books were all about teenage misfits & I don't know why it affected me the way it did, for I wasn't even a teenager then.
And years later, when we relocated to Dubai & I did become one, I still clung on to him even though I never truly knew what being a misfit in highschool was about.
And yet I read & reread his Pardon me, You're Stepping on my Eyeball and it touched me in literary ways that only Nick Hornby & Douglas Coupland do now.
That feeling of isolation from your parents and that angst, oh that glorious teenage angst when nobody knows what to do with you or how to reach you & you revel in that feeling that nobody ever might.
I forgot him for a huge while when college & various others took over and it was only as a 19 yr old that I went back to him again.
And then promptly forgot him again.
And now I am afraid to read him.
I think it's the realization that growing up means that when you reread your favs, you are now looking upon a young character with accommodating compassion rather than companionable empathy.

*Wistful smile*

In other news, this weekend has become the designated 'chancing upon forgotten objects of love', for when updating my itunes, I re-found the strange, strange flightiness of The Cure's Friday I am in love

& oh, oh, oh!!!
Shakespeare's Sister's Stay!!! My mom caught me so many times doing the singing to myself in front of the mirror with this one. I think I especially loved doing the gleefully evil lyrics.

2009-11-04T20:37:00.007-06:00

I was watching Bill Cosby accepting the Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for Humor and felt a big urge to talk to my dad. But he's traveling so shall have to write it down here.

I think everybody who reads the blog knows that I think the world of my dad. As M.L. once put it, the way I talk of my dad it's as if I believed he could climb Mount Everest & back in a single day. But the reason for what I know is a sort of almost reverential love for my dad is because he takes absolutely no shit from me. My mom can very sarcastically get me out of my funks but since she's so unlike me, it was (&is) hugely possible for me to pull one over her.

I remember visiting my dad in his office once & telling him that he should just accept me for who I am and him looking me up and down in my torn jeans and terribly dirty tee & very unkempt hair and saying - "sure, I'll accept you ... at home. But right now, go and sit in the car"
and just as I was storming away,
he called out - 'and roll up the windows...they are the dark ones, right?'.

And that's why Bill Cosby reminds me so v.much of him.
Especially in this episode and it's still as funny today as it was all those years back when we popped in the specially marked 'English Comedy' video cassette that my parents faithfully recorded the Cosby shows on.

2009-10-30T20:45:00.014-06:00

I was feeling quite miserable today.
It's so illogical.
The boy comes back tomorrow from a week in Canada where he stayed with the M.L. So on top of talking to the M.L. nearly every day, & our regular daily emailing to each other, I was also getting anecdotal tidbits from the boy about her & the L.
I know that technically I shouldn't be feeling as if I am leaving my bff tomorrow but I am having a little bit of separation anxiety right now.
So weird.
sigh.
And then the A.D. told me how they are thinking of going back to Canada from where hails the A.D's boy.
And gawd.
I detest the neediness in me but really how can anybody live without best friends of forever? But I know that the boy & I have to be patient & can not immediately do what we most want to do.

I feel like curling up with a christie or watching really, really old movies from childhood or flying my mom here or moving to where all my friends & loved ones can be around each other (not in the same house, like an insane somebody told me once, but crisis distance away).

And then I retrieved this from my youtube favs & feel a wee bit better. Like everything will be ok. That all struggles will come out right. And all apprehensions and doubts will be cleared and we will see our way.

Because this year IS better than last year and we have many, many things to be joyful about!!!

Edited to add:

I've been feeling better & laughing ever since my brother sent me these two clips on skype to cheer me up.

What is it about movies you see when you are kids that stay funny forever? Ok, granted there's only one truly funny line in this scene for me but oh, how I remember us yelling out - Look man, I am no allavaladi (vagabound?), I am Pavaani, a real professional killer - at random when we were kids.

& the one below. Oh Tilakan - how can you say such dastardly funny lines with such a straight face

I do wish more old mal films had subtitles though.

Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act

2009-10-28T19:09:00.006-06:00

I am so glad this has come to pass.
I remember listening to Judy Shepherd when she visited our school to talk about the hatred that led to her son's death. And I remember the earnestness with which the Westboro Baptist Church protesters answered my interview questions about why they were protesting and their v.strident belief that Mathew was burning in hell (the website was what they asked me to look into to understand more of their beliefs. At least today, it is far less frightening to look at than when I first glanced at it 4-5 yrs ago. Then it had these horrible fire graphics & other despicable whatnots. I don't think I have ever come across a more horrendous visual expression of bigotry stemming from religion. There is no possible way for me to reconcile what I know of my faith with what is taught to these young people).
In the interview, they used terms that we had to spend a lot of time bleeping in order for it to be airable on t.v. And I remember being beyond upset that such youngsters were brought up with hate in the name of religion. I know that this bill will not help in making those young people learn to love. But here's hoping that they learn to tolerate or even be more open to dialogue or at the very, very least learn to not act on their violent upbringings.

2009-09-06T11:09:00.004-05:00

I am reading The Post-Birthday world, which I picked up in the library because the first few pages had something to do with snooker, which because of its close association of the boy's other religion poolplaying, made me want to peruse it more.
Other than Madame Bovary, I don't think I have read a more intense dissection of marriage or monogamy or infidelity.

1 down

2009-08-19T04:37:00.008-05:00

It's been a year since this.
I didn't have this kind of victorious-hurdle-clearing feeling when we realised we had been going out for a year or even for 6 years.
In the pre-marriage era, anniversaries were always a - uhmm, we've been together for that long? interesting.
It was only when people called attention to the longevity of our relationship, that we felt it was something worth acknowledging.

But on the 15th, after just a year of marriage, I felt intense gratitude for the year that has been. I don't mean to take away from our live-in relationship, which I v.firmly believe laid the foundations to our life; but marriage is just a completely different cup of commitment. This last year has seen us deal with our fair share of adult issues, but has also furnished with so very many gorgeous memories.
To celebrate all the work, love & joy we put in to our relationship since the wedding, I had planned a weekend trip to New Orleans.
For, I am the anal, type A planner in our relationship. I research the hotels, the activities, the restaurants, our days and cram it with eats & everything in between; so even if we don't do much of anything, at least we have the option of knowing what the place holds for us.

Which is why it was such a mixed surprise to find, at the airport, that we were actually heading to our favorite little city in the world NYC instead, courtesy of the boy.
Mixed because it made me feel a little less in control. And v.much more vulnerable.
The boy asked me to trust & let go, which I did in bits. And oh, it was so good I did, because he did so v.good!

Things we did in NYC:

Wandered around Times Square on Friday evening, where the boy insisted on checking out the Theatre District, which I got annoyed at because really what is there to see on the Theatre District except the theatres & all the lovely Broadway hoardings?
I eventually relented, which was wise since he had tickets for us to see The Lion King.
Sigh. I leave it to the video in the link to describe what an exhilarating experience it was.
So beautifully produced in fact that the boy, who has no great love for theatre, was entranced by it all.

Walked in an post-play daze after & partook of the quintessential NYC slice of pizza. Mine was a plain cheese one with balls of ricotta cheese on it & the boy had his with chicken.

The next day, got on to our favorite form of transport to the Upper West Side for breakfast at Barney Greengrass, which we decided to try on Bourdain's recommendation & did it ever live up to expectations!
It was this small hole in the wall deli, with plastic tables and chairs but the food - the sturgeon with scrambled eggs & chopped liver - brilliant!

We wandered around the Upper West Side for a while and then headed to Chinatown for some cheap shopping.
That's the great thing about being back in a city you've visited many times over.
The first time you are there - it's a frenzied sightseeing tour, as A.D. puts it. The next time, you've seen everything & so can just sit back and enjoy walking about.
In Chinatown, we headed to the big grocery store & bought bean paste, giant bags of dried fish & dried shiitake & our first sake set.

Headed out to Queens after, and shopped at the columbian/latin & the desi parts of Jackson Heights, where we got a ceramic coffee pot, dirt cheap almond flour & lovely others.

And of course ate the v.flavorful & spicy briyani from a food vendor.

We trudged back to the hotel, where exhausted by all our shopping jaunts, we fell asleep and missed our lovely anniversary dinner reservations.
We woke, grinned, dressed up, and made our way to Russian Samovar, which we had come across in our earlier jaunts.
And though a bit on the unwelcoming & intimidating side because we were really the only non-russians in it, we had such a splendid time sipping their infused vodkas! & ingesting their caviar platter.

On our last day, we headed to Le Pain Quotidien for breakfast, which though a chain, was the most fillingly simple food experience we had.
The boy had their bread basket with the spreads - hazelnut chocolate, apricot jam, red berry jam.
And I had their Tartines - which the woman across the communal wooden table informed us was just an open faced sandwich on really thick bred. It was such fun sitting at that table, having people around us give us input & butt in to converse, that we were quite charmed.

After, we walked to Central park and just walked some more :)
And then strolled toward the Met, where we spent the afternoon in its coolness looking at beautiful things.
And when it was time for us to leave this most interesting city, both of us agreed that we felt none of that queasy reluctant-to-leave feeling we got the first time we vacationed there.
For this time around, we were heading back not to miserable, monotonous Missouri; but to beaches, rivers, and our lovely house in sunny Florida.

Thank you, dear sweet Lord, for the turns our lives have taken!

I can't get this out of my head

2009-07-27T22:43:00.004-05:00

Oh, flight of the conchords - I love thee

Happily Ever After?

2009-07-12T15:52:00.017-05:00

We were at the bookstore today and I came across 'I'd Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper' a 'keeping your marriage together after babies' kind of book.

***me lets out of a big pocket of breath***

And egad, did it speak to me. In fact, it reached out, stroked me & gave me a fracking orgasm.

I can't tell you how afraid I have been to say that my marriage is not a 'happily ever after', not because it isn't working out but because my expectation of 'happily ever after' really has been so insanely high that the poor boy never did stand a chance.

The book talks about women thinking of marriage (and I paraphrase here) as the comparatively easy part (And I am so guilty of this - the hard part was finding the boy, getting the parents to agree, planning the beautiful wedding - so definitely the marriage should be easier). Whereas men see marriage as a sort of 'giving up of things' - which though it sounds terribly unromantic, makes them better prepared to face up to the work that a marriage is.

It also talks about the shift in gender roles that has left men and women confused and confrontational about what they should / should not be doing within the house & without. Like, there is no more a road map for this generation to look to as to what their roles should be like. We are constantly redefining ourselves & striving towards equality in our marriage.

One of the best quotes in the book is from a 10 year veteran of marriage, & it goes:

"My poor husband has cereal three nights a week. I feel awful about that - I know I should be doing more! I have this anger about having to do it...I know that it's expected, so I rebel and don't do it and then feel guilty for not doing it"

Oh unknown Sara from Becks County, USA - you made me cry!!!

~~I don't mind feeding the husband~~
~~I don't mind cooking for the husband~~
~~I don't mind making his meals~~
It is so traditional and so what my mom used to do that I am having a hard time even writing the fact.
I like cooking but I hate being expected to do it.
I hate being looked at as a wife because, much as I love my liberated-in-comparison-to-the-rest-of-the-family father, there were so many things I heartily disliked about what my dad expected my mom to do that I vowed that when I got married things would be different.

And though our relationship is vastly different, yet I yearn for perfect equilibrium.

The book speaks of how "in this pro-feminist era....with more choices & opportunities...we expect to be happier than our mothers".

How very true! I thought that since I had grown up in much more unrestrained world than my mother, I expected to be much more in control & to be in a more perfect relationship (which in my mind, equates to happiness).

And while I am, yet there seemed to be a constant need to do more, to experience more photograph worthy moments, to have more, to be yet more closer.

It's almost like I was trying to judge my own marriage/relationship from what it looked like from outside & found it lacking perfection.

'We are supposed to be romantic'
'We are supposed to be out and about'
'Our wedding anniversary has to be superlative. Superlative I tell you!'
'We need to be having more sex and being more adventurous'

Old news but it took seeing it in print for me to realise I was struggling not with the boy's expectations but with my own.

I am happy. Not excited in a Harlequin romance sort of way. He doesn't make my heart flutter all the time like he used to when we first started dating, we don't rip off each other's clothes all over the house as much as we used to, sometimes we are out and we have really boring conversations.

Is that normal?
Are we normal to be like this after 7.5 years of being together?

And today, the boy & I were discussing it and he was like - you think we don't talk enough???
Ugh.
Don't you even remember who I was when we first started going out?

And gawd, yes I do - that reticent gangly man with a cute behind who grunted his way through a conversation.

And we have come so far!

And yet, I want more. NOW!

I know that the boy is a far far cry from any of the male role models in our combined families.

But he is not yet the Renaissance man.

An example:
You think you know everything about a person and then he comes out with - 'no, I won't be comfortable with our child being gay'.
And it boggled me.
Because he has gay friends. And I have gay friends. And we have mutual gay friends.

And to confront the fact that we have such fundamental differences as above perplexed me.
Because hadn't we known each other forever?

Where does that leave me?
His nonacceptance of a potentially gay child?
Why is it easy for him to accept gay strangers and not a gay flesh and blood?

Side note:
He would not budge even in the face of disapproval from friends. I suppose it is good that he's stating his opinions and not pretending to be one person online and another offline who goes 'Oh no, I couldn't possibly move in with that person, because he/she is gay/divorced/single mother'.

Another instance, he still maintains that the appropriation of Palestinian land by Israelis is justified.
How is it that we can love each other and yet have such vastly different view points?

It's been a struggle for me to get away from the fact that two did not become one after our marriage. We are still two different entities, with unique personalities and differences, living in love. And to accept that that is fine too, in fact it may just well be fantastic - our differences creating a more interesting household.

The relief has also come from the fact that with the boy, there is no pressure to be similar.
From him, there is always acceptance of differing view points & even a matter-of-factdnessabout it.
He accepts my attitude and I am learning (v.slowly) to accept his conservatism.

And live with the fact that perhaps we may see eye to eye in the future or we may not.

It seems like such obvious fact but I am constantly surprised that our relationship is still a work in progress.

2009-07-06T13:29:00.006-05:00

Over the fourth of July weekend:

93 F weather, Fireworks, sitting on the beach when the sun went down, sushi in Miami, being sequestered in air conditioning, lots of shopping in Orlando, driving everywhere, swedish meat balls Kroppkakor (potato dumplings) & tosca (swedish almond cake), lots more air conditioning, cuddling with Boy & watching some old favs Ghost Town & Blade Runner,

& these songs from Ghost Town:

2009-07-02T09:53:00.003-05:00

I called my parents to ask them to keep today's newspaper for me

"I haven't seen the newspaper today - what's the news?"
"Well, they repealed a law in them & I wanted to keep it"
"Which law?"
"The one decriminalizing homosexuality"
"Right. Ok. Sure. We'll keep it for you"

My father is v. awkward around the issue. And in highschool/college, when I told my mom of family friend being gay, she was silent & said OK.
I know my parents have v. different values. But the one thing I love about them is they are like Topol - resistant at first but always willing to change & accept.
There are so many times in my teens & early 20s, when I wondered if I was adopted and how I could possibly be related to people who don't share any of my beliefs.
But now that I am older I think of all the ways they've accepted differences that go against their core and I see how they are the more open of the lot of us.

Thank you Amma & Daddy - for constantly teaching me so much.

2009-07-02T09:26:00.002-05:00

It is done.
The first step - we've decriminalized it.

And I am thankful that I live in these times, when great things are being achieved by first steps.
While I hate that it's taken India so long, I love that slowly but surely we are getting rid of that which holds us down.
I hope this is the first of many more liberating steps.
I hope Manmohan Singh holds fast to his post election promise of reviewing judicial laws.
I hope changing laws changes attitudes and that things like being divorced, being gay, being different will no longer be a cause of dissent for supposedly enlightened people.

On a personal note, reading the HC statement makes me want to go back to research. There were so many fine points in that statement that made my synapses tingle that I called my ex-thesis advisor to chat. I miss being involved.

Shopping Extravaganza

2009-06-28T20:08:00.013-05:00

Aaaah - shopping - such balm for my bored soul.
We maybe headin' for a weddin' in 3 months or so & here's what I plan to wear to it.

Oh White House Black Mkt, how many ways do I love thee...so v.many ways, so v.many

with this lovely silk thing

& the little ruffled shoes that I can't stop salivating over:

with this little pretty beaded clutch

I wish there more events that I could use to go collect complete outfits for.

Other things I've done over the weekend:
Gone shopping at Body Shop - ah, body shop - it was because of you that my mom let me buy my v.first mascara!
Ate out like a v.hungry carnivorous mutant cow.
Read while the boy watched Wimbledon - I'll wait out for the semi & the finals before I get roped in
Watched a whole hour of Russell Peters - I find him intermittently funny, yes but sometimes it's just a little too condescending & makes me wince,
on top of the usual weekend chores of Farmer's Mkt, cooking & working out.

2009-06-26T10:26:00.007-05:00

I wonder if there's any point pretending to be young anymore?
I should just deactivate my crawling-with-kids-born-in-the-90s FB account, shut down my twitter and just accept the aging process.
For, though years, events & milestones have hinted at the creeping of adulthood, I have refused to acknowledge it.
I have loved, have lost, got married, got jobs, changed jobs, experienced unemployment, traveled, been through hairy situations, but nothing dented my supreme belief that I was still invincibly young.
Until yesterday that is.
I can't remember a time when I didn't know who Michael Jackson was. He was the one pop sensation who my parents completely condoned. They played his music for me when I was a tiny tot. They bought me his albums. They listened with me to Man in the Mirror and declared it thoughtful. They even agreed to take my sibs to his concert when he hit dubai ('cause I was way too cool to hang out with sibs at a concert).
And now he's no more.
And I am sad, for now I have aged.

2009-06-25T17:56:00.003-05:00

Michael Jackson dead.
So v. sad when somebody so creative disintegrates & dies.
Before the boy bands, before madona and before quirky music, there was always Michael Jackson.
sigh!

2009-06-12T19:53:00.013-05:00

So I was reading (now that I can read again) a random book & came across a rather extensive para on Nirvana.
Which made me think of the band.

Back in the 90s, I was such a boy band/techno geek. I loved them all - Take That, Boyzone, Backstreet boys, Boyz II Men - obviously at that point, listening to music didn't have anything to do with music, and everything to do with cute, cuddly boys & their little dance steps in the video.

And then one day, I was flipping through the channels and came across MTV's Unplugged, which the dance-step-loving-boy bander in me had dismissed as the most horrendously dry show imaginable.

Nirvana was on.
And were as grungy as ever. Not cute & cuddly & most definitely, not my kind.

And before I could flip back, he began to sing.
About the Man who sold the World.

And it was one of those moments when I got what the transcendental power of music was all about.

I just felt Kurt Cobain understood what I was going through - stressed about new school, new country, having to take the boards, new crushes.
But more than anything stressed about making the right impressions.
And not knowing who I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to do with my life, not having any privacy, and really not knowing who I was - if I was this me or that me & how to marry them all together.

I had to listen to the song again. For, the song still gets me.
Though these days, I prefer the original David Bowie version (so much more buoyant)

2009-06-10T04:24:00.007-05:00

I am having one of my sleepless nights again and decided to fish out an old, childhood favorite - 'Empire of the Sun'. When I first saw it as a 9 or 10 yr old, I could not look away. I cried when Jim said he couldn't remember his parents, when his friend died. and just was simply awed by the movie.

And now, all I could think of is:
it is v. theatrically formulaic & so v. Steven Spielbergy, but still does have these lovely 'for the trailer moments';
Jim's teeth does look as if they really are rotting in the film (ever notice how characters in truly desperate situations may have the requisite dirty hands, and dirty finger nails but never dirty rotting teeth);
how incredibly adorable Jim was & how nobody realised how v. hot he would grow up to be.

I guess if you can remember when Batman was just a lost little boy, then it's official - you are no longer as young as you wish you were.

2009-06-07T19:42:00.003-05:00

The other day, I came back from meeting an almost potential client, & caught the boy in the act of making us mojitos. And I jumped on him.

Sometimes it takes so v.little to make me jump.

Reading Again

2009-06-04T13:52:00.011-05:00

I am reading Robert Penn Warner's All the King's Men, and I am humbled by the fact that I am reading again.

For about 10 months now, I have been on the longest reading drought of my life.

I have sampled & not finished

* Upton Sinclair's The Jungle
* A.J.Jacob's very amusing journal The Year of Living Biblically: One man's humble quest to follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
* Gregory David Roberts' ever popular & in every friend's reading list Shantaram
* re-reading Les Miserables
* Julia Child's posthumous My Life in France
* the last chapter of Narayan's The Guide
* Coelho's The Valkyries
* Vikram Seth's Two lives
* Arthur Clarke's Childhood's End
& most distressing of all been unable to finish Douglas Coupeland's JpOD, for he is the person over whose shoulder I'd most want to peep over, for I can't imagine how he touches my soul like he does.

In the past ten months, all my mind has been able to hold on to has been copious amounts of Asimov & Christie.
And I have been very sad. Because much as I love Asimov & Christie, I feel like I am cheating when I read them. Because I know them so well, and can almost predict what they will do next.

I, am discovering nothing new from them,

& have been thinking that perhaps I've finally lost that love for reading that made me sit up eons & eons ago, in the middle of the night, long after my parents had switched off the lights, to finish Pride & Prejudice or which made JS & I spend our summer sleep overs competing to finish Hardy's Tess,

& am doomed to wonder around with a mind that will not fasten itself to anything but entertainingly asinine reality shows.

And then, suddenly, out the blue, I pick up Warren, who I had dismissed earlier because after all, he was just an American Author & a Southern One at that.
And I am lost in his words. And I can cry for joy. For I found my love again.
And I am so grateful to this book for helping me find it again.

2009-06-03T01:32:00.005-05:00

It's interesting that a solid 7 year live-in (on & off) relationship does not an easy post-wedding life make.
Not to say marriage is a struggle or anything, but I didn't quite expect it to be so much work.
Not after having aforementioned 7 year relationship.

That's the thought that runs to my head during the sleepless nights I have been having for the past week or so.
The sleeplessness stems from minor medical problems I seem to be having but the whole philosophizing process stems from the rather annoying things our newly wedded bliss has bestowed on us.

For one, I am not taking too kindly to the terms husband and wife. I especially detest the term 'hubby'. For some reason, it conjures images of sappy hindi movie husbands.
And also I hate the preconceived notions that go along with the term/role of wife. And so have been instigating mind-numbingly banal tiffs with boy about it.

For another, I have officially started disliking the jobless state I am in. I am tired of going for countless interviews and not getting anywhere. I lie, I have now come to a state of detachment where I don't care anymore.
I feel quite defeated & exhausted by the process. And honestly feel my time would be better put to use if I were to have a baby.
Which leads me back to my minor medical problem, which needs to be resolved before baby can pop up.
And so an-interviewing I go.

Third, I am so v.ambivalent about boy's family.
My brother pointed out to me recently that I tend to always talk about them as boy's so-&-so, and never my so-&-so.
I am guessing the fact that I still have not met them has something to do with it.
Well, at least that's going to change pretty soon.
So, perhaps when I have met them face-to-face and done the whole
'Kamon aachen? - Ami? Ami balo aachi' I suppose I will feel less ambivalent about them.
In my all too briefs interactions with them, I have found them exceptionally laid back, v. undramatic, & the teen cousins - a little overwhelmingly, too lovingly accepting.
So really I should be looking toward their arrival here in the states as an exciting new opportunity.
But I am not.

Sigh.

The truth is, I just do not want another family. I am quite fine and happy with mine. And do not want to have to deal with the loves & times of a whole new set of people.

How pigheadedly close minded am I? vEry.

What we are up to for the long weekend

2009-05-22T13:09:00.003-05:00

Tonight - Heading out to our favorite tapas bar and then perhaps a bit of bowling
Saturday - Going for the boy's pool playoffs & then trying out lunch at a new Mexican place - beef torta & the much talked about Tres Leche desert & then - TERMINATOR!!!
Sunday - doing our groceries & cooking for the week
Monday - heading out to the Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge for a day trip with our picnic basket containing Veggie Lahmacun, Pita stuffed with Turkey/eggplant salad, cashew hummus & papaya tarts

Aaaah...wonderful!

2009-05-14T10:43:00.002-05:00

Things I have done over the past weeks:

1) Reacquainted myself with every major muscle in my body
2) Spinning class - can you say wobbly legs & exhausted thighs? Though, even at its most torturous, I prefer them to running (which I do so I can keep up - barely - with the boy in the runs we've signed up for)
3) Sat under the stars & gigantic oak tree & watched E.T in the park, with our little snacks - our very own hummus & pita, mini-fruit tarts, & tiny bottles of sparkling juice
4) random drive that ended in a live symphony performance at the pavilion by the sea
5) kissing on the pier, which was interrupted by fisherman's catch of tiny shark, which he proceeded to gut & cut

It's been a great couple of weeks and we are quietly thankful for it.

2009-05-10T16:52:00.013-05:00

What is it that turns me into a boorish snob when I have to interact with my kind under the harsh light of a school auditorium?

I went for my v.first desi society function and I:

booed (quite loudly, according to the boy) the shoddy and horribly banal hosts who trotted out silly speeches & vote of thanks & inane jokes about desis and blondes

asked and received apology from bunch of desis for cutting in front of me in the line to the food & making fun of me in Hindi.

Bunch of desis - Just because I have curly hair & am from the south does not mean I don't speak Hindi. And just so we are clear - knowing how to use a conditioner does not mean you have to neglect your anti-dandruff shampoos.

the next one makes me v.ashamed for I (sort of) asked an old aunty why she was shoving me & cutting the line (what the fuck was I - the buffet line police?)?

Old desi aunty - I am just throwing it out there in the hope that the universe will tell you about it - I am sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

Super loud music.
Shrieking friendless voices (for obviously if they had friends, said friends would have told them about shrieking voices).
Lone black family of friend of little desi girl who were left on their own
while
lone white family of friend of little desi girl was given much, much attention.
Cliched Amrish Puri style speeches of rolling fields and ancient culture which were put to shame by filled-to-vapid-bursting program, with mind numbing waits between 20-I kid you not-performances.

It wasn't, as the local paper declared, 'the best that Indian culture had to offer'.

aRgh.

Once a month, I feel the need to physically connect with people of my colour & the next day, I am physically ill over how isolated I feel in the sea of my kind.

M.L, A.D, friends, Daddy, Amma & family - ditch your respective homes and please move here.
I miss you all so much.

2009-05-10T14:07:00.002-05:00

Dear Ma,

Thank you for walking me to Water Garden so I could hang out with my friends, to the British Council, to the book fairs, & for always giving me space, for ironing my uniform when I was too lazy, for staying up with me during my boards, and for wandering all over Kottayam to look for my wedding favors.
Though all my most visible & vocal idiosyncrasies come from daddy, I know I carry with me an enduring desire to have children because you made it seem like such joy!

I love you.

2009-05-06T12:20:00.003-05:00

I keep thinking that because I have been away for a long while, I need to come back to the blog with a big, profound post.
Unfortunately I don't have anything remotely penetrating to say.

The only news is that I am slowly learning to chip away at my compulsive eating, and slowly giving more time to working out properly.
I want to say I am done with dieting and fasting and and other unhealthy eating fads but I don't think it works that way.
All I can say is, for now I am eating reasonable portions, with lots of veggies, fruits and proteins and other healthy what nots. And trying to work out at least 5 days a week for 1.5 hrs each.
One week at a time.

And that seems to be motif of my life at this point - acceptance of where I am (in life, in relationships, in physical space) & chipping away at bad behavior.

2009-04-22T18:50:00.009-05:00

Last weekend, among many happenings, I had a heart-to-heart with a friend.
And as we were exchanging stories of the new states we live in, I told her of how I couldn't relate to particular people & incidents of my life here in sunny state.
She stopped & told me that I shouldn't be offended, but she thought I was v.self-centered and selfish for not reaching out to people who weren't like me.

And it perplexed me to no end. Not because of the redundant terms, but
because I honestly do not see anything offensive about being self-centered.
I admit extreme narcissism is bad for the soul & for the people around you.
But as long as I still deeply care for the people I love, have empathy for those suffering, and don't bore others; I don't see how it could possibly be offensive if I am involved in myself.

The most boring people I have met are those who are so self-effacing that they apologise for existing, who have no clue about who they are because they have not spent time examining themselves,
or who are so afraid of letting themselves out that they create these highly defensive, extremely sensitive personae that are just draining to be around.

When I was v.v.young, I read the Fountainhead and there was a moment in it when somebody accuses a character of being selfish and he turns around and says (& I paraphrase badly)
"to be selfless is to not have a self"
:D

Easter, Pops & in betweens

2009-04-21T09:21:00.015-05:00

Easter was wonderful. I got my b'day books, a home cooked lunch and general pampering all around. There was a v. French theme running in selection I got (Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, Julia Child's My life in France, Les Miserables, Julie Powell's fabulous blog turned book Julie & Julia). A bit on the late side :) but fabulous nevertheless. For lunch, he made braised goat & potatoes a la gratin for lunch and we had ourselves a store bought icecream cake and lovely white wine with it.

All I did was make breakfast of traditional appams & chicken curry, after which I got a whole weekend where it was all about me. I had a long lovely bath, manicure, pedicure, foot massages, and much reading in bed with the boy's cooking & company to sustain me.

The week after Easter was spent trying to clear projects before I set off for MO for the redhead's granddad's memorial. I bought gifts, arranged stuff around the house, tried finishing off most work, and got on a plane to the show-me state. And the minute I landed, the weekend of blurry activities started.

Was picked up by roomie & giggly friend who made it from sunny Phoenix.
Headed to roomie's place for a quick change before going out to hang out with ex-workmates and drinking till late.
Back at roomie's for long talks and movie.
Woke up early to head to the 'Burg for Pops' memorial. While I love that it was because of the 'Burg that I met the boy and the redhead, the place still reeked of the deep desolation I felt living there.
Spent time with the redhead's family, and reminisced long about the person that was Pops. It all got a bit overwhelming for me at the memorial service because I kept thinking of FH, my ex-boss who had passed on a couple of months ago. Had to get out for some air.
Then headed back to Nanny's place where we all had a shot of Pops' prized aged brandy in his memory and much laughter ensued.
Stayed up all night and went out for breakfast at 7 am and then slept in for a bit before getting up for Sunday lunch, where old stuff was rehashed.
Dinner with the redhead, her Bf & a forgotten acquaintance later, I was ready to drop, for it was 12 am & I had an early flight out - and I mean 3 am-in-the-dark-morning early.

As I sat in generic coffee counter at the Kansas City Airport, I thought of my life here in smalltownamerica - of the friends I made, of the work I did, of the relationships established, of the deep depression I was in over so v.many things; and I was glad for it. Because it makes me truly appreciate of what it made of me, and what I have now.

And finally, a v.v.v. happy B'day to my little sister!

A sappy little post

2009-04-08T09:00:00.005-05:00

Things that make me feel oodles better:

long chat with family
revealing rants on blog & the helpful comments it generate
simple conversations/chats with different groups of friends from different time zones & different lifetimes.

I am grateful for my life.

2009-04-07T04:37:00.009-05:00

I wanted to write a grand old post of what fun this weekend of Blues Fest, Food Fest & Fleet Fest was, but instead I am morose for various reasons.

Chief of them being the sad, sad episode of House. So silly to be sad about a T.V. show but I can't abide death anymore. I wish I could get to a more peaceful place about death, like I was in college. For there, I lived every moment for what it was worth, I was truly that prepared to die young. (Gosh - how v. morbid).

There was such indescribable joy in just living and experiencing when things were bright and new, adventures were always round the corner and knowing for a certainty that it wouldn't last.
I was such a fatalist that I thought I would either die of too much joy or I would grow away.

I want to reclaim that part of me. The part of me that took such joy from living.

But

I am struggling with what I can only describe as a deviant form of survivor's guilt.
I am so thankful for the hopes that have been granted and for the joy there is in knowing that my sister is alive and well.
But I wish desperately that she was living a different life.
One that didn't involve hardships of any form, and where she could ...
I guess what I wish is that she was living my life.
Where she could have made different choices that defied pressure, where she wasn't so complacent in having others arrange her life, where she could break away from relying so much...
My v.wise friend A.D. says that what I wish for her is not so that she was living my life, but that she was me.
Or in a perverse way, that her diseases were mine.
Because, in my head, I feel that I would have been more able to deal with it, perhaps? Or that a younger sibling is still too v. young to experience such adult episodes.

The Boy says I am too greedy.
That I should be thankful for the mercies of God. That while I push for her to reclaim her life and to make inroads into her future, I forget that a couple of months ago, I was praying desperately and would have given anything to see her sit silently at home, twiddling her thumbs.

He is right. I am so thankful that she is in remission.

Now,
what I want badly to do is to somehow, physically, carry her through this.
But I can't. Because that's what happens when you are an adult - you have to let others live their lives, make their choices.
And I feel so helpless in not being able to do anything and not knowing what I can do except
'to be there for her', which is such an abstract bunch of words.
Or, at the very least, what I want is to stop pitying her so much (because that's where most of my guilt stems from - at the fact that I think my life is better than hers).

Identity

2009-04-03T07:51:00.006-06:00

During my PMS & Period week, I find myself becoming A more Definite, more Snarky ME.

Most of the time, I go around being the nicer People-Needing version of myself.

But during my PMS, that nicer Me is peeled away.

And questions like 'Remember me?' on FB garner a send (blush) 'Obviously if you had to ask that, you were never important enough to be remembered' message.
Where FB statuses like 'How many stupid quizzes can jobless people take?' get a 'Dude - get with the prog. press Ignore stories, instead of belittling others on your status msg.' reply.
Where eyebrows are in permanent raised position at the asinine questions asinine folks asininely ask.
Where emails asking us to come over and teach ethnic cooking to new acquaintances are refused because really, what the hell? We did not advertise for the role of 'token brown acquaintances'. And really, how difficult is to get a library card and check out a book, or google 'Indian cooking'.

It is lovely to realize that this really is my true identity and that the nicer version is my costume to function in this world. I know vestiges of my true identity remain all the time, but that doesn't stop me from wishing the People-Needing Me would either die or I would be more content to need just the peeps who could handle the True Snarky Me.

Pops

2009-04-01T20:32:00.004-06:00

My heart is heavy today for the redhead's granddad passed away yesterday.
I know of no one who could dance an irish jig at 85, or out drink 25 year olds at 90, or flirt with a twinkle like Pops did.
Rest well Pops, you were loved and adored and we were blessed to have been given the grand old tour of your Matchbox toy car collection, to have used your lovely wood tools (that you were glad we learnt to use properly, even if we were girls), to have eaten your famous corned beef and to have laughed and laughed with you.

2009-03-31T07:02:00.002-06:00

I just want to roll around in flanks of meat and have steak pieces slathered all over me.
THAT's how much I am craving meat right now!
Just 2 tiny almost weeks more!!!
Do come fast Easter :)

2009-03-29T16:06:00.003-06:00

Went to the carnival where we tried it all, including the batter covered fried oreos. Aesthetically speaking they were quite miserable and my heart almost stopped twice while trying to swallow the first bite. I am thinking fried chocolate might have a more interesting taste to them, with the gooey chocolate inside a fried batter.
Got to do some of the plans and some unplanned things like watching Apocalypse Now Redux, which really is a new version altogether though I couldn't figure what the new scenes brought to the old version, especially the French plantation scene. What was that about, except a diatribe in faux French accent and a chance to show some more breasts?
Had long discussions with the boy, each of which deserve a post unto itself.
And now am all set for a new week of much work.
Happy end of the month all!!!
You will not believe how excited I am for Lent to end. I have even planned out the entire Easter lunch and dinner for boy to cook; for, except for a v.traditional Mallu Easter breakfast, I shall not venture into kitchen at all :)

Two little things I am excited about:

2009-03-25T20:45:00.005-06:00

The 'Where the Wild Things Are's trailer. I don't know how they were able to make this into a movie, so am quite excited that the trailer retains some of the magic of that simple tale.
The Boy & I's weekend plans which include Vegan Food Tasting at the local organic store, checking out the water celebrations by the river and, if the weather holds up, barbecuing; with lots and lots of holding each other thrown in.

FB statuses, friendships & everything in between

2009-03-22T06:28:00.015-06:00

The thing about FB statuses are that they are just, only al-most right!
I mean, they may tell you the factual truth but carry with it none of your emotion, because you don't want to be telling the 300 or whatever 'friends' that yes, I may be going out to brunch with people who could technically be called friends, and yes, I am having 'friends' over for drinks in the evening, but the disconnection is so vast, that at the end of the day, I just feel cheap for pandering to people with whom I share nothing.

I have been reading a whole lot of bloggers lately who have been talking about the dearth of friends in their adopted countries.
After having been in this country for the past seven years, I can attest to how difficult it is to find people whose company does not make you want to gauge your eyes out.
The thing about moving to a new place (be it a new country, new state or even new town) is you go through so many trials and errors before you are reasonably comfortable in the friends dept.
When I first came here, I was not looking for friends so much as acquaintances with slight commonalities to hang out with because I was not looking to add to my deep and - abiding over the years - friendships.
But if there was going to new, deep and abiding over the year friends, I was specific about their qualifications.

They had to be like me - have had some sort of expat experience & find South Park funny.

That's all I wanted. But I might as well have asked for the moon from the Midwestern & Indian schoolmates, colleagues I came across.
Having pub hopped, unextensively, across India & Dubai, I was not as widely enamored of pubs, drinks, and making out and would only do any or all of three when the mood hit me. I liked dancing but did not feel the need to get drunk before I did. I liked hanging out with the International club because I really found it fascinating to meet a Turkish Jew (hola L!) who discussed individual vs. collective identities, a Canadian Swede who had gone ashram hopping in India, a Trinidanian basketball player who loved Indian spices, and so on and so forth.
I had fascinating international encounters and experiences, but did go through intense periods of loneliness, at the end of which I was blessed with the Redheaded white girl, who though I share no ethnic anything with, had the two things I most wanted - a world view and a love of South Park.
And of course, a short time later, the boy! (who interestingly enough didn't have the expat experience but loved South Park. I gave him a shot because he had lovely hair)

Of the true friends I have made here, are three Americans, a Bangladeshi Nigerian (who's not the boy), and an Indian and gawd, all my wonderful, brilliantly humored ex-boss and ex-colleagues, who all happen to be v.white.
The reason I am trumping out their ethnic backgrounds is because I need to remind myself that common ethnic backgrounds is not always a precursor to enjoyable friendships.

I have not met a single Malayalee here (and I am discounting the blog friends :)) who I could hang out with, or a single Indian (save for my lovely giggly friend, and again I am discounting blog friends) with whom I could carry out a conversation, and not for lack of trying.

And yet, I keep falling for 'brown = friends'
(I wish I could get something more rhyming than that. Brown is not always down with me?, Brown may not be able to clown with me"???)

Take yesterday, for example.
The brunch was a working social brunch with Indian colleague friends of boy's (who because of two year association of going to pub/club/& other general hangouts have now sort of become social buddies)
We met, we worked, and in between, get call from newly married couple friends about drinks & poker plan at our place for evening, and the boy & I say sure - everybody can come over.

Some people can be extremely relaxed about hosting, like the boy - who's a great host but really does not go overboard about pre-host planing or is not too verklempt about entertaining responsibilities. I grew up watching my perfectionist parents pre-plan, pre-clean and run dinner parties which ran well past midnight with the perfect grace, the perfect party activities, and the perfect food (all brilliantly thought out - finger food for children, diabetic appetizers for the older ones, junk looking but not nutritionally lacking food for the teenagers, sumptuous main course)
I feel, as their daughter, I would be doing them a disservice if I didn't try (just a little bit) to match their faultless hosting.
So when peeps tell you they are having a poker party at your place in 6 hours, I go into hosting mode about party food, buying drinks to suite alcoholic/non-alcoholic tastes, and out comes the cooking utensils and car (not necessarily used together).
We had the standard chips and guacamole, baked fries, and my new baking venture, single serving mini-cheese cakes.
And beer and some fake wine.
We go through our microscopic cleaning ritual (for which the boy reluctantly joins in), prepare our food, change into party dress and wait.

And wait

And wait.

And about 15 minutes after the hour when everybody is supposed to show up, we get call from Person-who-suggested-the-whole-damn-thing-A that Person-B will not be showing up because Person-B is not feeling too well (but well enough to attend working brunch) & so really, is there something else we want to be doing, like going out for dinner, or maybe postpone the whole affair for another weekend etc?

It chafes me to no end that people can be so immaturely circuitous about things.
Since this is the second time this has happened to us with these bunch of people, I wish I could send them out a memo that says:

"You do not have to say YES to every social engagement suggested by us or anybody else. But if you do say YES & change your mind at a later date, then you can just simply call up the day before and say - hey, sorry but just found out that I really can't make it.
If it is the day of the engagement, perhaps calling up about (even) 2 hrs before engagement and saying above is also perfectly acceptable.
This also works if you are the one who suggested social engagement but find out later that the group you thought were going to be present has drastically reduced in number.
But what is unacceptable is calling host and steering conversation around the lines of - "oh, well, B will not be coming, so do YOU think we should cancel, or do YOU think we should postpone for a later day?" and forcing host to abdicate you of your responsibility of saying - 'sorry I can't make it!'
It is not a popularity contest, my sadly immature friend. When you say 'I can't make it', our host hearts are not broken and since we already know you are flaky, no worries about that either."
End of memo.

The boy had picked up the phone, which is really great, because he really is the DEAD SEA. Calmness flows in and around him.
But he is also extremely manipulative. He says no to various plans suggested by flaky friend, and makes her & husband come over.

I don't know what the point of that is - for me, if somebody does not want to come over, they don't need to. For the boy, if somebody suggests a poker party at our place, makes us prepare ourselves for them (I had to take a bath is really the ultimate 'I made the effort for them' yardstick for him), and if they are too silly to say 'sorry we changed our minds' and instead do even sillier mind games with us, then they fracking better come over so we can give it to them!
And his way of giving it to them is so greatly different from mine.
No flailing over hot coals for them. Just a sardonic 'What is it, person A? You don't go anywhere without your little babysitter person B?"
& then watch them squirm out a reply, and then talk a bit, give food, ignore a lot by playing video game (the hostess inside me cringes), and generally make them feel quite bad and wish they had just never gotten out of bed in the morning.

I didn't let him carry out his routine because really I am so tired of mind games.
The boy said his sardonic statement.
The flaky girl squirmed. Her husband looked nonchalantly on.
Topic threshed out a v.tiny bit.
And drinks and food given out, and conversation abounds.

And after half an hour or so, I just felt dirty and cheap.
Because really, I should've let the boy do his thing and made them go away.

Because I hate having to talk to 28 year old recently married women:

who expounds their theory that all single girls need to hurry up and get married, especially her 27 year old girl friends because it's already too late. And because I shamefully did not state my mind but only did my eyebrow lifting thing & my 'Really?' look I will say it now -

UGH. UGH. UGH. There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting and there is no proper age for getting married, unless of course you are going the whole arranged marriage route because then you have to go by market standards, I suppose. And having gotten married at 30, and having a mother who got married, in her day and age, at 25 (as opposed to flaky girl's mother who got married at 15 - but who still has more feminist gumption than flaky girl herself and who's unafraid at being different, so much so that her gay nephew's partner is routinely asked to sit in on pujas and other social whatnots at their super conservative, almost joint-familish functions), and having a mother-in-law who didn't, in Bangladesh (which I admit, I always thought was populated by submissive women who were getting beaten up regularly) change her maiden name after marriage because she didn't feel like it, I take personal affront at her silly statement and at the fact that I didn't say - WHAT ROT!!! Get out!

who giggles hysterically and admits freely that she just is a bit on the silly trusting side and is not street savvy because in Mumbai, which apparently terrifies her Marwari roots (???!!!), she allowed a con man to dupe her out of Rs. 500 at tourist temple because he promised her a special darshan of the diety. She giggled. She lowered her eyelashes and did the 'ain't I just adorable for being such a silly girl' thing, while her husband told her she was really dumb and could not be trusted in cities.
And then turns around and asks me if going to the North of India terrifies me??

Why? Because I am a South Indian, and
oh-lordy-me-how-eveer-shall-I-fare-with-these-Hindi-wielding-strangers? Oh I do believe I am getting the vapors at the v. thought of it.

I am glad to say I didn't let that pass and tried (but failed) to be suave in my answer about the time when the redheaded white girl & I had gone to India to see the Taj and were given a detour to 'special' temple by our artful tour guide, where to enter you would have to pay Rs. 2000 and to get a darshan, you had to pay another Rs. 2000, especially if you happen to be white or an NRI. When I said no thanks, the tour guide goaded me by saying perhaps I was not Indian enough because I must be a Christian. And I gave him rather long lecture on patriotism & secularism in Hindi & told him to take us back before my police commissioner of an uncle arrests his annoying ass.

I am not advocating standing up to every conman, irrespective of the hazard.
I know that there are genuinely gullible people who have the misfortune of getting conned by tricksters. And I know of people who, because they are dreaming of v.funny, magical things at the bus stop, get their purse snatched but when they are made aware of situation, do funny things to get purse back; and when they tell you these stories make them into such adventurous and funny tales that you wish you were there.

What I dislike is silly women who giggle mercilessly at their helplessness at not being street savvy and equating that to some sort of feminine trait.
If you are unfortunate enough to be born credulous, (& boring) then, like Mr.T, I pity you. But please do not advertise this as some sort of endearing quality that makes you that much more feminine .

Long. rant. over.

We got rid of them. And the one thought in my head was how glad I was that, hopefully, she would be moving soon to New Jersey, and that any future progeny of mine would not have to go
through a cleansing lecture on how Aunty Flakey is differently abled, and so must never, ever be really listened to (by you).

2009-03-20T12:02:00.002-06:00

My dad told me once how he would always be my father and I would always be his daughter, no matter how old I was.
At 15, it sounded like such an ominous threat!
At 31, it sounds so heavenly to know that I will always be my dad's child.

I was talking to my little brother (who at 24, I should really stop calling little, but really at what age do younger siblings stop being the younger ones?) & I was telling I was a wee bit upset at how my mom makes fun of me for talking too much on the phone with her.
(My mom is like the boy - filled with distractive thoughts which will not let them focus on anything for more than 5 minutes - I refuse to acknowledge that I am boring)
And how I felt so bored at home, without the steadiness of going out to work.

A few international connections later, I get a call from my sweet old dad, who used his few snatched minutes of a layover in some foreign little city to give me a call.
I can't write down what he said for fear that I will start weeping at the thought that they are so far away, but he talked about how full of potential he knew I was, and how this period would be good for my creative side. And how I must not be down on myself for any reason.

It is amazing how I sometimes feel my parents don't know me at all and how at times, they just completely understand me!

I love you all!

2009-03-17T19:32:00.006-06:00

I seem to be on a nostalgia roll here!!!
Aw, Grover - I thought you were so annoyingly silly when I was growing up but now you make me laugh so! Oh, how I remember this song because my sibs sang it all-the-time!!!

2009-03-16T21:07:00.001-06:00

I miss the 90s.
I miss hanging out with my friends and being v. young and being the centre of attention and knowing everybody and having everybody know me, and caring enough to do both.
And doing truly creative things and getting accolades for it.
I miss the days when Juliette Lewis was everywhere being her quirky self
And Johnny Depp didn't have lines on his face
and Sean Penn was just Madonna's crazy husband and the not the ultra serious, almost smug, actor activist he is now.
When my best friends were just a local call away, or a bed (on the third floor of a rickety building) away, or a hostel (separated by wild trees) away.
And when all we had to worry about were grades, or coming first in an inter city event, or getting a mural done, or winning an election, or having the right outfit for a night out, or even getting perm for that night out.

And then I remember that the boy was an unheard thought, and random unknown bangla boy getting high and partying with his friends in the 90s, and suddenly I am not missing things too badly.

2009-03-13T09:01:00.006-06:00

It's been an unmotivated sort of week where nary a work has been done, in, around and out of the house, [Uhmm... - exception being last evening when I finally sent off some work (hoorah for the glimmer of productivity in an otherwise slothful week)]

I have just been extremely loath to work, do or even move.
I am not sure if it has anything to do with my periods.
Now that they are regulating themselves because of my PCOS medication, I am finding that my PMS & 'out of sorts' mood are finally getting themselves organized.
And yet, I am not sure if I can really blame mood on menstrual cycle.
I think this is what happens when you have a lazy & sometimes snarky personality and you are also a woman.
When is it the fault of the hormones coursing through your system and when is it just you being yOu?

PS: Childwoman asked me this and I forgot to mention it to all - my sister is doing great!!!
She had her third chemo and the results came back negative - no cancer cells, so no more chemo!
She's on medication & if this keeps up for another 5 years - it's cancer free all the way, baby :)

2009-03-10T18:33:00.008-06:00

I heard Elliott Smith after such a long while today. I had all but forgotten how much I loved his songs, all those years ago in Madras.

I can't see myself as an aging organism. When I think of me, I always picture the same inside person or soul, going from year to year, picking up experiences & life lessons.
But when I hear Elliott Smith, I remember what 19 was about, how I didn't think I would ever find anybody more cool than my friends (and I never did - M.L, A.D & R.P), how I cried when I first heard the song because I didn't think I would ever be free enough to do the things I really wanted to do, or be the person I really wanted to be.
And how now I know I already was slowly becoming me.
And I can see how desperately young I really was.

I wonder what the songs of today will remind me 10-11 years from now of the person I am today?

Funny, looking through my posts, I see I have already chosen 'my remember these days by' song.

2009-03-09T13:20:00.006-06:00

This weekend was dominated by PMS - mine. I PMSed through The Watchmen, where I was irked by this and that and everything in between, I PMSed through the poor boy's b'day lunch, which took a bit longer than I expected, and I PMSed a heck of a lot through Sunday Dinner at desi acquaintance's place, where I was served Indian veggie rice with cold cranberry and bean salad (I have never come across a more annoyingly mismatched menu) and ordinary dal (what is it with serving dal at dinner parties?), while the rest enjoyed their beef koftas and chicken curry. This inspite of informing hostess of vegetarian fast.

Ok, while I know that it takes a multi-cultural city to make a more cosmopolitan or a 'more versed in different religions and regional cultures' desi, I am constantly amazed at the desi acquaintances I am meeting here who have no clue of life outside of their own regional enclaves and/or their own religious highlights.

What kind of vacuum did they grow up in, to never have heard of Easter or Eid or Parsis or the fact that Hindus don't eat beef? Were they not taught Social Sciences? And the next time, I am served plain boiled masoor dal at a dinner party, I am leaving. Just walking out.

I am so v.glad that my periods have finally arrived !!!

2009-03-05T08:35:00.003-06:00

I love it when my house is tidy, organized, stocked with cooked food & has whiffs of sweet fragrances wafting through the rooms
Unfortunately there is such dissonance in my soul between the finished product & the process it takes to get there.
For,
I abhor house work.
Abhor, abhor, abhor it!
The only reason I am even slightly motivated about having more money is to afford a couple of housemaids.
I'd like the bed made, pillows fluffed, laundry done, ironed & folded, bathrooms cleaned, rooms vacuumed & dusted
Untill then, adios amiogos for I must trudge my way to my washing machines to do the laundry piling around me or leave more from my share of housework for the boy.

The Boy's B'day

2009-03-04T19:20:00.009-06:00

Saturday is the boy's b'day and when I asked him, many moons ago, what he wanted, he grinned & said nothing.
So that's what I thought I was going to get him.
But then I thought & thought and since I know how much he loves food, and how I haven't really cooked complete meals in forever, I thought I'd get him a v. lovely day at home with tons of good food & a play afterward.

What's on the menu:

Brunch:
Home made Muffins that we'll cook for the first time ever.

Lunch:
Mango shrimp appetizers
Borhani
Veg pulav
Bengali chicken roast
something called a Dherosh bhorta
& home made Pudding for dessert

Not sure if I am violating any Bangla rules of culinary etiquette with this recipe, but the boy got so super excited when he heard this, that I knew for sure I had hit ideal birthday gift nirvana.

And for dinner:
Lamb chops with veggies

2009-03-03T21:01:00.007-06:00

Attacked by them that’re charged to guard & defend
to watch & save
attacked at play
attacked at work
attacked at home
attacked on a bus
causes, methods, places - many
mutineers, guerillas, terrorists, rebels
no end of names, much motives, one aftermath – photograph on walls
who'll never talk, never laugh, who'll never just be.

2009-03-03T00:52:00.003-06:00

I have sort of had to modify my lent rules.
Because not having dairy prods is making me all fuzzy & weak.
So, indulging in dairy & eggs on Sunday.
So far, I am rather enjoying the whole spartan quality of my meals
Though I shouldn't take to congratulating myself too soon, it's only been a week or so :)

Feb marked the boy & I's six month wedding anniversary & Jan 26 marked our seven year anniversary.

You never know when a casual ok to being dropped to your place by a boy with shiny hair might mark the beginning of a lifetime.

2009-02-27T20:26:00.003-06:00

Things I did today

tidied up
watched while the boy made his version of avail, kitchuri and tilapia curry (surprisingly I feel no compulsion to have fish or meat ... uhmm)
played/ing scrabble
went for a walk
and are now settling in to watch T.V

ah, the joys of a quiet Friday!!!

2009-02-26T07:24:00.007-06:00

I am finally done thinking about my New Year's Resolutions and here they are:

Weight - this is two folds

By August 15, lose 30 pounds.
By December 30, lose another 20 pounds, unless external circumstance decide otherwise :)

Run a 10 K
Observe the Lent
Begin work on my food blog
By August 15, I will make head way on the rsch I was supposed to write

Head way = fleshing out the outline, deciding on the chapters, writing out half the chapters

By October, make sure our immigration stuff is taken care of

I have to recognise that 1(2) and 6 are dependent on external circumstances.
But the rest, entirely achievable.

Day 2

2009-02-26T07:08:00.004-06:00

No jolts so far
but did have a moment of soul stirring clarity when I was snuggling under the covers & the boy reached out to envelop me, when I went - Oh I love him so :)
Watched The Visitor, which I enjoyed immensely because of the quiet performances.
On to Day 2
I haven't slept well today so think am going to have a lie-in till 10, when I have a meeting.
Ugh...I do feel like a giant slug.
In the meantime, I hope all of you enjoy visiting my brand new food blog, inspired a lot by all the gorgeous food bloggers on my roll.

Day 1

2009-02-25T09:03:00.007-06:00

So far the day has started ordinarily enough.
No big revelations, no epiphanies, no sudden bolt of self-discipline jostling through my veins and no itch to wolf down meat.
We had yummy broiled fish stuffed with goodies yesterday....and I think the memory of that will sustain me through :)
Uhm...
Ok, I still need to do the major spring cleaning that I really should have done yesterday but which I didn't because I was way too preoccupied with my blogs and by this nicely done documentary 'I for India' to.
I love how the immigrant experience always seem to transcend time and place & how universal it always is. I remember my dad trying, not once but twice, to settle back in India and it turning out into a 'uhmm...maybe not this time, maybe we stay away for some more time'.

Nothing else to report except happy middle of the week, all!

Lent & all its trappings

2009-02-24T09:17:00.019-06:00

Obviously I have been lax because Eastern Lent started on Monday.
Who knew?
Not I, apparently.
A relative of sorts sent me a v.helpful rules & regulations FB message regarding Lent and all I can say is, talk about strict observance!
Another reading that I did regarding Eastern Orthodox Lent (where I conveniently skipped the part of it starting on Monday) says Lent observers should abstain from meat, dairy & dairy products, fish and Oil.!!!
Oil!!!
You could have oil (and wine :)) on the Sabbath and Sunday
but not on the third Sabbath or something of that sort.
Oi Vey!!!
It all seemed rather confusing to me, there seems to be about a trillion rules and narry an explanation of why so many.
So for my v. own edification, here are the whys, hows and whens of how I am going to go about doing the Lent thing

The Whys

I think the past year has been one of tremendous growth & upheavals (and not always the sad kind) for the family & I. And I feel the need to take a stock of my life, my growth as a human and where this life is heading.

Side Note: Indulging/Practising your faith takes on a different hue when you are in an interfaith marriage.
We are a pretty ... I don't want to say irreligious ...but sort of 'anything goes by way of religion' household?
No that's not it.
it's...
Ok,
You know how the boy has his car and I have mine (or rather his old car...sigh)
I have a crucifix in mine and he has a little gold circle pendant with words from the Quran on it.
And we interchange cars often & don't mind the presence of either's faith.
That's how we are about each other's religion.
We do read a bit (read see documentaries) about the copted origins of our Abrahamic faith just so we have a better understanding of how to present us to our kids or present our kids with a working understanding of their spiritual circumstance.
We are completely prepared for the assault of conflict when we have children (sort of a co-owned car) but here's hoping that the foundation of understanding that we've built over the past 7 years will stand us in good stead.
Uhm...where was this side note going?
uhm...
no, Ok - I completely lost my train of thought.
End side note

Back to the whys of the Lent

I'd like to spend a little time not doing the things that I always do. A retreat of sorts from my carnal instincts.

I want to spend time being grateful to God for all that has made me me - all the events, all the people. And to spend time praying for my loved ones and maybe for unloved ones. Really praying.

I yearn to get some discipline in my life. I think I live on a completely carnal, sort of by-the-flesh level.

And its not about what I eat, it's about how I think, the way I talk and bitch and gossip.
The other day A.D and I were looking through wedding photos of a less-than-loved acquaintance and bitched about her aunt who had put a safety pin outside the pleats and not under it.
That was so wrong.
I have been finding myself being covetous of those with babies...uhmm...actually just critical of those with bad taste & babies - sigh, petty much?, those whose sister did not have leukemia, those with in laws who are not going to come stay with them in July for (gasp) 2 months (Which I fully recognise is a good-get-to-know thing for I have never really spent any time with my mother-in-law, but still 2 months!!!), those whose families were closer geographically, and a whole host of other things.
And it's made me incredibly bitchy. Like 'pointing out a safety pin on the outside of a pleat on random poor aunt's sari' bitchy!
I am grateful that my sister is better and that we have the means to have another round of chemo if she does or does not require it, but the wish that it had never ever happened or that life could be wiped cleaned of any blemishes and flaws and ills is constantly with me.
And therefore, if I can't mine off my flaws, I will find them in others to bitch about.
Long and convoluted explanation of why
I want this vicious circle of bitching to end.
I want to come to a deeper understanding/a more joyful acceptance about my life

So, I am hoping this 40 day period will give me an opportunity to reflect on all of above.

The Hows
Random relative's note on the hows was quite comprehensive:

1. avoid all meat, fish, animal products, that actually includes dairy and eggs too,
Tick. Game on. But gawd, I'll miss my morning coffee ! and the meat and the FISH!!!
oH god the Fish.
The boy is making baked tilapia today and buying me the most gorgeous burger from Five Guys~ to sustain me on my non-fish, non-meat drought!
2. avoid sexual relations,
Uhmm...I am skipping this one. Because this rule seems to ignore the fact that the partner might an be unLenting 'heathen' & it seems slightly unfair on the non-lenting boy. And really, 40 days of avoiding sexual relations will be quite a hardship for the two of us :)
3. avoid lying, abusing, cursing, anger and gluttony,
And gossiping
4. giving alms n charity,
I am going to try and volunteer at a soup kitchen
5. fasting by forsaking meals (atleast 1 meal a day)
o-k (lunch it is)
6. pray all the prescribed prayers and do all kumbidals.
Uhmm...Ok - I am going pray more but not doing any prescribed ones or the kumbidals, which are a sort of prostrating prayer, I think?
7, holy confession and Qurbana
Not doing the confession bit because I don't believe in it.
The Communion - ok I think I am game for one.
I think I am going to add that I'll try and make it to church every Sunday.
Not going to be strict about which kind
8. reading bible regularly,
ok.
9, cleaning full house
Tick.
10, maintaining silence and calmness in physical and mental body
I am not really sure what this means. But I am thinking it's a way of saying what I yammered on above about finding peace.

The Whens
Since I, obviously, am a little late for the Eastern one, I am spending today cleaning the house, as per rule 9.
And tomorrow, game on Lent!!!!

2009-02-23T10:18:00.004-06:00

Ok
So I am taking the plunge. I am going to observe the Lent!
I feel I am in a place spiritually where, more than anything, I want to learn self-discipline.
I have been most inspired by Broom's coming out tale.
She made a decision to come out. Set herself a date and regardless how incredibly tough it was, she stuck by it.
And I am inspired enough by her resolute discipline to attempt to observe the Lent.
So, here goes.
The rules are freaking hard...but I am trying to see how I can go about observing the spirit of Lent.
More to come!

2009-02-22T23:01:00.005-06:00

Gawd!!!
Did I enjoy the Oscars?
Heck yeah I did!!!

Did it have anything to do with the gorgeous Hugh Jackman, who I secretly did not expect anything from (because after all, he's Wolverine, not of Billy Crystal ish calibre) but who totally brought it!!!
And he was absolutely delish when he danced! Just orgasmically so!!!

Was I excited about Slumdog Millionaire?
Not really, because I thought the movie was whattheheckisthebigdeal when compared to the other movies up there, and really my all time fav Indian film at the Oscars will always be Lagaan!

Was I excited when Pookutty won?
Frack yea!!!
He's mal for frack's sake!!!
I know .... I am shameless that way

Did i totally go wild when Rahman performed?
Yes.
Oh
Yes!!!

All in all, a better show because of the dish worthy Jackman and the whole old Hollywood style glamor the set created ... I was so taken in that I even loved the whole new movies montage they put in the end, and didn't automatically go to the cynical 'ugh - not another pleading to get us to spend money on cheap overpriced popcorn'
What can I say - I am a sucker for dancing men and Indian gyrations :)

Jumping on the babywagon

2009-02-18T22:30:00.004-06:00

The boy & I have been thinking about children.
Like, seriously.
The only problem is I have bum ovaries...well, not really bum bum, but polycystic ones, at least
So...I am on medication for it, and apparently losing weight seems to have a favorable effect on women with PCOS, so losing weight seems to have an extra value kick added to it.
The medication cycle takes about 3-4 months so... here begins our journey to start procreating :)

Sunday dinner

2009-02-14T09:44:00.006-06:00

The boy and I are having friends over for Sunday dinner and this time around, we decided to keep it real simple. We are learning that because we love cooking so much, we almost, always go overboard when we have people around. And then we hardly have any time to enjoy our guests because we are jumping around taking things out of the oven or the fridge or some other place

So this time, the menu'll just be :

Mixed greens with Papaya or a really green salad from the wonderful F&W. F&W always makes me feel so happy because I feel I reach a sort of cooking zenith when I cook through it. Most of the recipes are simple and yet, they just look so pretty.

Roast Chicken which is a combination of an F&W recipe and an Ina Garten one. We are using cornish game hens for it because they are a more manageable lot. The last time we made this, we were quite pleased with the result, though we only used one game hen. Here's hoping we don't muck up too much using two.

Roast veggies which really needs no recipes - just tons of green, yellow and red pepper, sweet potato and green beans roasted in delicious home-made chicken broth (I can't tell you how pleased I am that I have finally mastered the art of broth making :) ) and salt and pepper

& of course, our old staple, french loaf with roasted garlic butter spread on it

And for dessert,
we are just having coffee with chocolate hazelnut biscotti . Doesn't it look gorgeous?

The place setting are deep maroon and white, simply because we got the most gorgeous white dinnerware and a lovely maroon table runner for our wedding. Hoorah for wedding registries!

Edited to add:

It was a success - oh, I am so glad. We paired the chicken with a nice chardonnay and the whole thing went off so well.
The only blight in the culinary horizon were the biscottis which were quite easy to make but I baked it too long the first time around & so were a bit too hard
and the second time around were not sweet enough.
So got some ice cream and made Broken Biscotti ice cream with hot mocha from this wonderful BBC recipe and really the mocha did look as deeply dark as the pic, though mine was done with dutch cocoa pwdr & sugar.
All in all, a nice quite successful evening :)

ps: La Vida & Beks - come over anytime!!!

Our weekend

2009-02-08T19:16:00.006-06:00

Went sake tasting at a new Japanese grocery near the beach - learned little, tasted much and enjoyed the shrimp crackers a lot. We have loved it as kids & the boy seems to really enjoy the ones my dad brought us from his Japan trip
Bought tickets for the Whirling Dervishes show next week. I have high hopes for this one
Had the Nigorizake, the cloudy sake, bought from the tasting, with skinny vinegar wafer crisps, which was good but not as enjoyable as the shrimp crackers
Have been going to the farmer's market every weekend & buying fresh produce and making squash soup, stuffed acorn, crispy okra salad. I am loving the cooking time we are getting we each other and learning to photograph better
Talked to my sibs, who are doing great, especially my sis
Watched Frost/Nixon which was a tiny bit Hollywoodish for my taste, though I have to say Frank Langella was quite brilliant
Went for an tattoo exhibition, which was kind of boring because everything looked weirdly abstract, as if they were drawn after an acid trip
Made roasted eggplant dip and chicken roast
Baked fish
Went to the gym, where the cardio theatre is currently my fav

For shame!

2009-02-01T00:12:00.007-06:00

Where have our ideals gone?
Have we become so scared of criticism we target individual bloggers for telling it as they see it?

2009-01-28T18:32:00.002-06:00

I feel that life is slowly grinding back to normal.
Going to India was such a life changing experience, so much so that I stuttered when trying to explain it all to the M.L.
Living with Cancer has become such a passe thing for our family now. And my sister is the most nonchalant one of all.
When she talks about blood counts and platelets and other what nots, it's just become another item in the conversation.
I am glad that we are all, and most of all that she is in that place now, where it is something we have to deal with.
She goes for her third, & we all hope & that God wills, the final round of chemo next week.

Thank you all for the concerns and the well wishes - every word of it was appreciated.

2009-01-06T04:03:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I look at my sister & wonder is this all there is to cancer?
Because she makes taking care of her so easy. She is always so positive, when all around her are down and though, we share nothing in common, she makes me feel good about the whole situation.
I know tomorrow, when we get to the hospital for her second round of chemo, I'll get a glimpse of what there is to cancer, but for today, the three of us are watching our shows and playing our games and hanging out.

And oh

2009-01-01T22:49:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year peeps!!!
Despite my rant, I feel so hopeful because really, how much worse can it really get, right??????
:D
& really, despite the fact that the men in the family are morons-in-Kerala they are normal outside ( grateful for that!), & though we have to deal with MIKs, my sis, my mom & I still get our own way and do our own thing - so screw the other mustachioed, hairy uncles who mourn about tragic fates!!!!

Happy Glorious New Year all!
How did the sibs & I welcome the new year - with a glass of 15 year old Whiskey, which I did not mind at all, despite not liking the taste of whiskey
So here's to trying new things and taking care of the old loves:)

In Kerala

2009-01-01T22:04:00.003-06:00

Kerala #
Suffice to say I deeply resent being in it, being around it and being of it.
I used to think that ambigiouity was the main emotion I felt around Kerala - not being sure what to make of it when I am there, when I am thinking of it, when I am not there.
But no longer - I loathe the place, what it stands for, and how my family behaves when we are in the place.
I know there are people who live quite happily, & in varied states of contentment here but I don't think my family will ever be one of them. At least none of the women in my family.
I find myself nipping drinks when evening rolls around, and the women in the family gather around the box spewing idiot serialised notions of women sacrificising their tears, sweat, and histrionics to uphold the honor of their family
& when the men in the family sneak off for clandestine 'family visits' to random relatives homes to have a few 'pegs'.
I do not resent the fact that the men in the family, (which I am ashamed to say, now includes my brother - who really seems to have deteriorated into a 'first class & proud to be Mal Mallu' - complete with the shooting down on any detours from the tried and tested mal path with a 'I am not sure we can do that ... because it just is not done here' bullshit - UGH¬!)
So my gripe is I am not resenting the fact that the men in the family can go out and have fun, I resent the fact that the women in the family seem not to and seem to think they can not!!!
I resent the fact that when I reached home, my sister was dressed in a bloody dowdy housecoat with an ugly coarse BLACK scarf, never mind that it was Calvin Klein & tying under her chin like she was bloody 6 years old¬!!!!
What it is about having uncomfortable designer wear & not knowing how to use it well!
It's like on top of being sick & unable to care for herself, she was dressed in the ugliest outfit ever!
My sister has improved leaps and bounds and has taken charge of most of her functions.
She's dressing to her style & looking gorgeous - and I am not just saying that because I have to, for I have never found her attractive but suddenly her skin is glowing and her smiles are wider!
I have torn my dad and my brother a couple of new ones and for really, this whole definition of being a proud nadan as being a MAn who enjoys the machoisitc bonding of other full mustachioed hairy men, and who mournfully claim that they did not enjoy themselves for they have a sick child at home, never mind that the supposedly 'sick child' is doing everything herself, has got to STOP!
I mean, for frack's sake, have a couple of drinks and go out to Kumarokam if you want to, but do not go around answering phones with a dreary attitude and telling all and sundry that 'oh what New Year's, because of my sick child, we didn't enjoy that much'
That and this comment on my cousin's essay on the Handicapped from some half literate English Teacher at my cousin's Vidhyadi Raja High School (???).
"One of the most important thing you must remember about the handicapped is that they suffer from an inferiority complex because they can not do what we can do"
I mean, WHAT THE FRACK????
Which strange universe are these people living in?

Happy Holidays all!

2008-12-22T08:37:00.006-06:00

All you lovely peeps - Have a fantastic Christmas and a blessed New Year!!!!
I hope for everybody health, happiness and tons of joy, irrespective of circumstances.
Some pics from my daily walk :)
side note - my little sis is doing tons better!!!

2008-12-17T14:14:00.004-06:00

I am sort of panicking here.
We have to put together some visa apps for ze country to the north of us & it's kind of stressing me out - the dotting the i & the crossing the T's!

I am also having tiny crisis dreams of staying at our Kottayam place for a month
I am getting v. frustrated because there are so many things I feel we need to do to make the place comfortable and liveable for my sis but my aunt who seems to have no clue, and neither do my cousins
I am always having an existential sort of crisis when I get to Kottayam.
I feel so disconnected to everything and everybody there.
It's like they live in another planet or something.
I'd like to move the TV to Annmol's room - can you get somebody to do that
'Oh mole, there are so many wires and so many connections to move - it's so much of a hassle'
Oh for frack's sake.

Can you make sure we have internet connection so she's not too bored?
'Oh mole, these things take too long'

UGH.

I have all this barely repressed anger in me about weird things like this. It's like I keep hitting the great family wall of denial
No we can't do that.
No, that's too hard.
No, those things are too hard.
UGH.

Ok forget it all - I am losing perspective - the most important thing is - my sister is doing so much better and is out of the hospital now!!!!
Hoorah!!!!

FB status & some wise words

2008-12-15T08:17:00.004-06:00

On the sunny side of life & determined to keep it that way :D

My sis is getting discharged tomorrow morning!!!!!
Hoorah!!!
triple cartwheel hoorah :!

And really, the whole hair thing - my sister was so blase about it & just ordered two dosas instead :)

Like A.D & redhead says - small price to pay
& really the whole people staring bizz, our focus is about becoming healthier

I am so grateful to God for any and all mercies he's sending our way
for this crest we are riding
for the dear, dear, friends who get my soul & who are just a phone card ;) & phone call away.
If you don't know it already, M.L, A.D.,
Redhead, Roomie & Giggles - I am grateful for you.
And my dearest, most patient, most loving boy!!

Epiphany reinforced:
I am FULLY embracing the happy, joyous little dance worthy day that is today, for on the sad/bad days I will have no regrets that I didn't live up to full potential of this day.

PS: Please pray for my Dad, who's going through a tough time!

Here's a little song to suit my mood

2008-12-15T01:16:00.005-06:00

I fell off my 'anti-whining' wagon twice over the weekend.
First I was dancing around because I spoke to her - spoke spoke where we traded jokes and complained about sore bums and what nots
Second I started crying when my mom said her hair was falling.
I knew it was coming but I still felt bad.
But you know what? I am going to toughen up - this is what it is. It has to be endured. And we need to keep our spirits up and about it.
But my getting back on the wagon periods have become shorter.
So good!
She's doing tons and tons better, thanks all for your prayers.
I am reaching Kerala on the 26th and so if anybody wants to connect (and Hillgrandmom is definitely on my list to call), I would love to (especially those of you who have experience caring/dealing with leukemia - hint hint).
No probs if you don't.
My email id is desiinsmalltimeamerica@yahoo.com.
Again Thank you all for your kindness - spoken and unspoken. Your concern has been so heartfelt.
Random thought: I know understand why people have pet charities and pet causes. I am praying for all those who are ill.